I open my mouth to argue, but I’m cut off by a shrill, angry cry.
CHAPTER 18
MINE
Lainey
I scoop Kody up and cradle him to my chest. My heart is pounding; anxiety makes my mouth dry and my hands sweaty. “Shhh.” I bounce him gently and pat his bottom while he continues to wail.
“You need to leave,” I tell RJ.
“Come on, Lainey. You can’t keep me out of his life.” I can both see and hear his panic.
It’s echoed in me, likely for very different reasons. “And you can’t come barreling back into mine and think you can take over. That’s not how this works.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not trying to take over. I just want to be part of his life and yours, if you’ll let me.”
The screaming ratchets up a couple more notches, and I worry I won’t be able to get him to settle—and then it’ll be another night of too little sleep. “Can’t you see you’re making us both upset? Please, just go.”
“We need to talk about this. You can’t tell me I’m a father, let me see my son once, and then ask me to walk away.”
He’s right, but I also don’t know how to deal with everything that’s been thrown at me since RJ came slamming back into my universe. He has fame and money—lots of money. Enough that he could fight for Kody. Anxious tears slide down my cheeks, and Kody’s cries get even louder. “Please, you’re only making it worse.” I turn my back on him and shush Kody, whispering brokenly that it’s going to be okay. “Mommy’s right here. I’m right here, shhhh. I’m not going anywhere.” I take deep breaths, willing myself to calm down, to find some perspective.
I should be glad he wants to be part of Kody’s life, but all I have is fear—because I’m struggling in this tiny apartment, and he has a huge house and all kinds of resources that I don’t. I don’t really know him, and he doesn’t know me. We only have six weeks in a bubble, which is nothing like real life. Especially not one filled with diapers and baby vomit and sleepless nights.
Kody’s cries quiet down, and he bumps his nose along my collarbone. I stroke his silky black hair as he hiccups and whimpers. I turn to face RJ, but he’s gone.
At midnight I wake up in Kody’s room. I’m sitting in the glider, one boob hanging out, Kody nestled in my arms. I slowly, carefully adjust my hold on him. My arms have fallen asleep, so I have to wait several minutes before I can transfer him back to the crib.
I tuck his blankets around him, make sure his teddy bear is close, and tiptoe out of the room. I breathe a sigh of relief when he doesn’t wake up. I use the bathroom, pour myself a glass of water, and make sure all the lights are turned off before I head for my bedroom. I pause and root around in my purse for my phone. I could hear it buzzing from Kody’s room when I was feeding him—and apparently fell asleep.
I touch the screen and see I have messages from Eden, Walter, and of course RJ. Eden’s message came through at nine, asking for an update on how things went with the daddy-and-son meet and greet. Walter wants to talk, and RJ . . . well, he’s sent a slew of messages, all of them asking if we’re okay, if Kody has stopped crying, if I have, if I’m ignoring him, and to please, for the love of God, answer this message before he goes insane. That one was sent less than ten minutes ago.
I start and stop composing a message about twenty times. I’m in the middle of typing that we’re both fine and that Kody is asleep when another message pops up from RJ.
RJ: I’ve been watching the little dots for 15 min. RU ok?
Lainey: Yes. Kody is asleep.
RJ: I didn’t mean to upset you.
I stare at the message for a minute before I finally compose a response.
Lainey: I’m just overwhelmed.
RJ: Me too, but we’ll figure it out.
I don’t know how to interpret that, so I end the conversation with good night.
Setting an alarm has become a pointless practice, since Kody wakes up every morning at five fifteen to let me know he’s hungry.
I roll out of bed, more exhausted than I was yesterday, if that’s even possible, and stumble down the hall to his room. “Morning, little man. I have breakfast right here for you.” I already have my boob out and ready to go.
His little fists wave in the air, his mouth opening and closing as I bring him to my breast and settle in the glider. I fall back asleep for as long as he feeds on the right breast. He squawks when he’s ready for the other side. I burp him first, then set the left boob free. I’m already leaking, so he splutters when he first latches, the milk coming too fast.
Once the initial gush and rush slows, he settles in, punctuating sucks with happy grunts. I stroke his hair, and he looks up at me, his blue eyes locked on my face. “Oh, sweet boy, what am I going to do? All these months I’ve been wishing I had some help, and now I’m afraid I have to share you.”
He pops off my breast and makes a loud gurgling sound before he latches back on. I fall asleep again for another fifteen minutes before he lets me know he’s done with breakfast and needs his diaper changed.
The wonderful thing about working at the aquarium is that they help subsidize the cost of day care, and there’s one right inside my building. I’m extra quiet as I leave my apartment, not in the mood to deal with Walter yet, mostly because I have no idea what to say to him.
He’s a good friend, and he’s been so supportive since I moved into the building, but the progression from friends to dating hasn’t been natural. I like him, he’s nice and pleasant to be around, but I don’t crave his affection.
RJ, on the other hand . . . I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to just be held by him. Which is yet another complication. And another reason why he’s right that we need to talk. Maybe he wanted to relive our time together in Alaska when he first ran into me, but now . . . Kody changes everything, for both of us.
I drop Kody off at his day care and head to work. Today is a research day with no interruptions, which I’m grateful for since I don’t have the energy required to deal with the general public.
I head to the lab and find Eden already set up at her computer. Like me, part of her job is to research and help manage the animals, so we often work together. She pushes a take-out cup in my direction and gives me a raised eyebrow. “Can I be optimistic and assume that the bags under your eyes are because you and the hockey hottie spent the night getting biblical with each other?”
“You’re welcome to be optimistic, even if it also makes you very wrong.”
“Uh-oh. What happened?”
I drop down in the chair beside her. “He wants to be involved in Kody’s life.”
Eden pushes her glasses up her nose. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s just . . . what if he wants partial custody? He has bags of money. He can hire a nanny, have someone take care of everything for him if he wants to, and what do I have? This job and a tiny apartment. I’m just . . . scared.”
“But isn’t he, like, still way into you? And you’ve been pining for him for the past year. I mean, you named your son Kodiak, Lainey. I think that pretty much tells everyone where you’re at with this guy.”