“No,” we both said.
Ian carried me and my polka-dot parasol down to the water’s edge, and then I waited on the grass while he moved the painted canoe into the water. Then he lifted me again and sloshed into the lake, jeans and all, and set me carefully in the boat.
The canoe wobbled as Ian climbed in, and I felt a little jolt of fear. I hadn’t worn a life vest in this thing since I was a little kid, and this was the kind that wrapped around your neck like an airplane pillow. Of course, I couldn’t put anything around my neck—I was still wearing all my shirts with the shoulder cut out—so I just wrapped it awkwardly under my arms and snapped it tight.
“I look ridiculous,” I said.
Ian shook his head. “You look—” He stopped himself for a few attention-grabbing seconds before continuing on. “Resourceful.”
“I get that all the time,” I said, putting on my sunglasses, wondering what he’d been about to say.
It wasn’t the busy season yet at the lake. It felt like we had it all to ourselves.
“Where to?” Ian asked, and I pointed to the far side.
I was totally okay not talking. The paddle lapped the water, the canoe sloshed and slapped, the wind whispered. I remembered this place so well—it was so much a part of the fabric of who I was—that I could almost put myself here without being here.
But actually being here, out on the water, alive like this—just the fact of it was breathtaking.
I directed Ian to paddle past a hundred-year-old house, the first one built here, and I told him every ghost story I’d ever heard about it. Next, we passed the decade-old unfinished mansion that some hedge fund guy had started and then abandoned. “That one’s haunted, too,” I said. Later, we passed the spot where the sailboat races happened every July, and then the giant floating trampoline all the kids liked to row out to, and the little hamburger joint that had no parking at all for cars—only docks for boats.
I leaned closer to the water and let my fingers dangle in. I’d dangled my fingers in this very water in this very boat in weather just like this a thousand times. The houses were the same, the clouds were the same, and even the beach where I’d been supposed to get married was the same.
Through it all, Ian paddled a steady pace, and I let myself feel just exactly as happy as I was sad.
I marveled at the feeling, because it really wasn’t either-or. It was both, equally strong at the exact same time.
If you’d asked me before the crash, I’d have told you that feelings were like blocks of primary colors: You felt blue for a while, then yellow, then red. But now I saw the emotional landscape quite differently—more like the pointillism of a Seurat painting: each color made up of many other colors. Look closely, and it’s dots. Stand back, and it’s an afternoon on the lake—all the colors relying on each other for texture and meaning.
Maybe that would turn out to be an upside, I found myself thinking. Maybe I’d see the world like an artist now.
I could have just closed my eyes and given in to the drift. But I had a question for Ian that had been nagging me, and now that I had him alone, I had to ask.
“Tell me something,” I said, keeping my voice casual.
“Okay,” Ian said, still rowing.
“Why did your business fail?”
I could sense him tensing up at the words.
But I was already in, so I kept going, keeping my eyes out on the water. “What happened?”
Ian didn’t answer. Just kept rowing.
“I mean, it was such a brilliant idea.”
Ian was quiet for so long, I finally turned to look at him.
“I didn’t manage things very well,” he said at last. “I neglected it too much.”
I shrugged, like, Okay. Like that was all the answer I’d wanted.
But, of course, his answer just created more questions. Why would a guy with such a great idea go to all the trouble of setting up a business—inventing an entirely new business!—and then neglect it?
I could tell just from the angle of his posture that he didn’t want to talk about it.
I let it go.
We weren’t here to be unhappy.
We were here to try, at least for a little while, to be the opposite.
*
BY THE TIME we got back, the sun was going down, and Fat Benjamin, who was far more “tubby” than fat, with a plump body like a dumpling and a bushy hipster beard, had arrived. He and Kit were building the bonfire. Ian piggybacked me over to the fire and got me settled in a chair, and I watched Kit and Benjamin flirt. He couldn’t seem to stop his hands from touching her—and she didn’t seem to mind.
Kit made us a vegetable stew in a pot on a grate over the fire. (“He’s a vegan,” she apologized, when the guys went to get more wood.) As the sun went down, the air cooled, and Ian went in for blankets. When he came back out with a stack, he also had something else under his arm.
A ukulele.
“You are musical!” Kit said when she saw it.
Ian shook his head. “I haven’t played in years. But I can play ‘Happy Birthday.’”
So he did. Serenaded me with it, really. I wrapped my blanket around everything but my burned neck, and after that, we all sat around the fire while Ian played requests and let us sing along. He messed up over and over, but nobody cared but him.
“Don’t apologize,” I said. “You are the best ukulele player I’ve ever met.”
Ian gave me a half-smile. “Am I the only ukulele player you’ve ever met?”
“You bet.”
He knew a little Bob Dylan, a little James Taylor, one Van Morrison, and a whole lotta Beatles.
That’s how my birthday bonfire turned into a nonstop Beatles birthday luau. We sang and sang and sang. And ate vegan stew. And then, for a birthday cake, made cast-iron skillet brownies with melted marshmallows over the fire.
“I thought we were making s’mores,” I said.
“We’ve made a million s’mores,” Kit said. “Time for something new.”
I’d cooked many meals in this fire pit before, and I’d celebrated many birthdays here, but I confess, as familiar as it all was, I’d never done it quite like this. Everything felt a little bit new.
I found myself wanting to stay and stay—or, at least, not wanting to go inside.
Ian kept checking with me to see if I was ready, and I kept shaking my head. I got cold, in my sundress, but I still didn’t want to leave the fire. Kit and Benjamin cleaned up the stew, and took the pots and pans inside to wash, and then disappeared to get up to who-knows-what kind of mischief, but I didn’t care. I loved looking at the fire. I loved feeling cold. I loved being out in the world. I loved calling out songs for Ian to play. He sang, and I sang, and I loved listening to our voices twist and wind around each other.
Tomorrow, it would all be over. We’d wake up and drive back to real life in an ugly hospital with fluorescent lights and mauve curtains. The sooner I fell asleep, the sooner this would all be gone. And I just didn’t want to let that happen.
Finally, Ian said, “You’ve got to be cold. I’m freezing my arse off.”
“I don’t care.”
He peered in. “Your lips look a little blue.”
He set down his uke and came closer, and when he took my hands, he said, “Good God, Maggie. You’re frozen solid.”
In one swoop, he picked me up—this time, not piggyback, but cradling me in his arms. He tucked my good side against his chest, and I did my best to be easy to carry by hooking my arm around his shoulder and resting my head down against the crook of his neck. That intoxicating Ian smell. I let myself breathe it in and savor it. Then I wondered if I could just brush my lips across the nape without him noticing.
He marched us across the yard and then into the warm, bright house, through the kitchen, and up the stairs.
Inside was quiet, like it was empty, and I wondered if Kit and Benjamin had gone for a walk. Ian nudged lights on as he went. At the top of the stairs, he hesitated. I could feel the pulse in his neck beating.
“Which room?” he asked.
“At the end of the hall,” I said.
Ian felt around for the hall light with his elbow, but he didn’t find it, so he just moved on ahead through the dark. It wasn’t impossible to see. There were shadows and outlines. He stepped carefully, but without too much hesitation. The door to my room was open, and the bed was just beyond it. It was lit by blue moonlight reflected off the lake.
He moved toward it, stepped through the doorway—and then he tripped on a little rag rug at the threshold.
He pitched forward, and then dropped to his knees. He clutched me tight to him as it happened, and then, intent on not falling forward and landing on top of me, he managed to fall backward.
Which meant I landed on top of him.
Fully on top. Smack-dab on top, you could even say.
At first, after impact, we were all about figuring out if anyone was injured. Had he hit his head or twisted anything? No. Was my graft okay? Yes. My back? All fine. Was anybody in any pain? Apparently not.