“We thought it would be fun. Most of you guys had already lost your virginity at that point. She had no interest in anyone and didn’t see it happening anytime soon, and I... was a guy.” He shrugs. “I wanted to learn what to do so I’d be ready when it happened with someone else. We were pushed together so much by our moms that we trusted each other, so we drank a little to calm our nerves and then... yeah. It was really that fucking insignificant, man. Shirts were left on and all.”
“And you thought that’s what she deserved? Something purely fuckin’ meaningless?”
Trent looks away, wincing slightly. “It’s shitty, but uh, I didn’t even consider it, not once until the night I took Krista’s virginity. I wish I could say I regretted it before then because of you, but I didn’t until I realized what it meant to sleep with someone you love for the first time. I gave that memory to Krista and took it away from Dem.”
I sit there a minute, unsure of what to say to him.
“I’m sorry, Nic. I knew you crushed on her back then, and that should have been enough for me to tell her no. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you after it happened, but honest to fucking god I didn’t think you’d care or... fuck.” He drops forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I guess I didn’t think at all. The minute I realized, though, I should have been honest. I know it only makes it seem worse, but at that point, it felt like we were in too deep.” He sighs. “I was afraid, plain and simple.”
“It’s never too late to be honest, but there is being honest too late.”
He nods, looking to his clasped hands.
I glare at his form a minute, then I lick my lips and say, “Luckily I’ve made some fucked up choices, told some big lies and lost a lot along the way.”
Trent’s head pops up and I lean forward.
“I’m not looking to lose my best friend, and sure as fuck not right now when I’ve got a lot of fuckin’ nothin’.”
I reach out with my fist and he pushes his knuckles into mine.
He knows I’m feeling cross, and that this will take time. We’ve got a fuckin’ field to walk, but I’m more than willing to spare the tread on my cleats to get us back. He’s family in every way that counts.
“I’m sorry, Nic,” he says, his eyes earnest.
“I know, man.” I nod, a deep sigh leaving me as I kick the ball at my feet across the concrete and into the pool. “So, you were at Krista’s?” I move the conversation, my eyes sliding to his while my head remains forward. “You guys are good?”
His brows knit, but he nods. “She wouldn’t even hear me out at first, but after a solid eight of begging and crying like a bitch outside her house that night, she finally took pity on me, let me in and listened to what I had to say.”
“But she knew about it already.”
“She’s known since the day we got home from camp. Dem...” He looks away. “She told all the girls.”
I scoff, looking off.
“When we argued the other night, it sounded bad. All that shit, anything I’ve said or done, Nic, it wasn’t about protecting Demi. It was about trying to save you from getting hurt in the end.”
“I didn’t need you to do that, Trent. I don’t get in your relationship, why would you get into mine?”
“Because I saw it, the second she agreed, I knew how bad you would want it to be real, and I didn’t want you to fall if she...”
“If she wasn’t?”
He nods.
“Why wouldn’t she?” I look to him.
He lifts his hands, holding them up a moment before letting them drop. “You guys weren’t friends, you never talked, and she thought you hated her even though I told her several times you didn’t.”
“You saw how we were together, man,” I say, shaking my head. “You’re the one that said it seemed too much too fast.”
“I know you, Nic, and I saw how much deeper it was getting for you, but I couldn’t tell if she was acting. I didn’t realize she was into it until I witnessed her jealousy over Miranda.”
I look away.
“You need to go over there. I’m sure she’s home by now. Explain better. Fix this, Nic.”
“No reason, I’m nothin’ but a liar to her now.” I look his way. “She wanted me for a minute, at least I got that much, right?”
“Wrong, she’s fucked up.”
My ribs begin to ache. “She’ll be good.”
“Yeah?” Trent looks up at my mom’s bedroom window, dark as always, and back to me. “And what about you, man, will you be good?”
“I am good.” Done talking, I push to my feet and hold my hand out.
He eyes me, clapping his into mine as he stands.
“You’ll be at the game tomorrow?” he asks as he walks toward the gate.
“Not sure yet.”
“You know Coach will let you play, get you excused for the days you missed.”
I look away and he walks out.
When he’s gone, I drop back in the chair and look up at the sky.
And they say senior year is supposed to be your best year yet.
Yeah fuckin’ right.
We’re only months in and everything fucking sucks.
The knock at my door has my stomach jumping into my throat, but I don’t have it in me to ignore the possibility of who might be on the other side or what they’ll have to say.
As quietly and gently as possible, I place my palms on the door and lean forward to look into the peephole.
Trent?
I take my hands off the door, sneaking a single step back before his voice floats from the other side.
“I know you’re there, Dem. Come on. Please.”
A frown takes over, but I give in and pull it open.
One side of his mouth tips up in what’s supposed to be a smile, but it’s not hard to tell he’s got a lot on his mind and happy-go-lucky is the furthest thing from how he’s feeling.
“Your mom home?”
“No, she’s” —a sad scoff leaves me— “it’s just me.”
He tilts his head.
“Why are you here?” I ask him.
“Think I could come in?”
I eye him a moment, smashing my lips together as I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I shift against the frame, putting my hands in the pocket of my hoodie. “Trent, I don’t think we should be talking, especially if you haven’t worked out everything with Nico yet. I can’t and won’t get in the middle of your friendship any more than I unknowingly already did. He not only deserves you, but needs you.”
Trent’s eyes grow clear with understanding, only for a heavy sense of guilt to wash over him seconds after, his chin falling to his chest on a long exhale.
He didn’t believe in us.
Or more, he didn’t believe in me.
He looks up, but only with his eyes. “You love him.”
It’s not a question.
This isn’t why he’s here.
He knows everything, other than maybe before Nico and I fell apart again, we had taken the first step to moving past my sleeping with the guy standing in front of me.