* * *
Zach: Goaty is MINE.
* * *
Me: I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen. You named your goat GOATY? That’s dumb. We’re changing that.
* * *
Zach: Can you come up with something better?
* * *
Me: Literally anything is better than Goaty.
* * *
Me: Casper?
* * *
Me: Nah. Vanilla Swirl.
* * *
Me: NO WAIT! MARSHMALLOW!
* * *
Zach: Are you hungry?
* * *
Me: Starving. I’m about to cook breakfast.
* * *
Zach: Explains the food-themed names. Though I do like Marshmallow…hmm…
* * *
Me: It’s the PERFECT name. We can even buy a dark brown one and a tan one and name them Graham Cracker and Milk Chocolate.
* * *
Zach: Did you just create a s’more out of my future goats?
* * *
Me: …maybe.
* * *
Zach: Is this indicative of how hungry you are? You’re thinking about s’mores at six AM? When’s the last time you ate?
* * *
Me: For your information, it is ALWAYS okay to be thinking about s’mores. They’re fucking delicious.
* * *
Me: Also, I’m not sure. I think I had popcorn at like six last night? I missed dinner and I’ve been busy catching up on stuff since I got home from work.
* * *
Zach: YOU’VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT?
* * *
Me: No. Well, sort of. I took a two-hour nap.
* * *
Zach: Go nap, Delia! I mean, eat first, but then go nap.
* * *
Me: I’m going, I’m going…
* * *
Zach: One last thing…
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: MARSHMALLOW IS EATING A MARSHMALLOW
* * *
Me: P.S. Cute chick slippers.
* * *
Zach: Excuse me, Wonder Woman is the shit.
* * *
Zach: Now hush and go sleep.
Me: I have napped and refreshed myself. What’s good?
* * *
Zach: I’m currently on an adventure with my roommate. We’re getting toys, food, and supplies for Marshmallow.
* * *
Me: Did you even check to see if you’re allowed to have him as a pet?
* * *
Zach: Pfft. I’m the master of research. *runs off to Google*
* * *
Me: Tsk, tsk.
* * *
Me: WAIT! What if you’re not allowed to have him? What will you do with him then?!
* * *
Zach: Excellent news! Since I technically live outside city limits, I can keep him! We’re going to have the best of times.
* * *
Me: I want to pet him. Is he with you now?
* * *
Zach: Yeah, he’s in the car with my roomie while I grab his essentials.
* * *
Zach: Ugh. I’ll have to build him stuff. I hate building things.
* * *
Me: He needs places to play!
* * *
Zach: I know, I know. I’m on it.
* * *
Me: Make sure you build it big. For his brothers…
* * *
Zach: So the S’mores clan can have a big place to play?
* * *
Me: Does this mean you’re on board with it?
* * *
Zach: The idea is growing on me…
* * *
Me: Told you I’d win. ;-)
* * *
Zach: Yeah, yeah. Hush.
Zach: This baby goat will not stop shitting.
* * *
Me: Yeah…goats do that.
* * *
Zach: He also keeps trying to eat my pants.
* * *
Me: Take them off.
* * *
Me: WAIT. That was pervy.
* * *
Zach: Are we FINALLY going to sext?
* * *
Me: Yes. But first, send me a picture of Marshmallow. I miss him.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: Is that…your face?
* * *
Zach: Um…one-fourth of it.
* * *
Zach: Holy shit. I just realized we have never seen one another. Like, at all.
* * *
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: There, we’re even.
* * *
Zach: Wow. Your brow is so sexy. Also, are those freckles I see?
* * *
Me: Yes…and that proves how hard you studied the photo. Creep.
* * *
Zach: What did you notice on mine? Don’t lie.
* * *
Me: You have bushy eyebrows.
* * *
Me: Which I find sexy.
* * *
Me: OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE I SENT THAT!
* * *
Zach: I think your freckles are sexy.
* * *
Me: You’re only saying that because I said your eyebrows are sexy. Don’t be that guy.
* * *
Zach: The guy who gives out genuine compliments?
* * *
Me: No, the guy who says polite things when he doesn’t mean them. Like when an old lady is all, “Oh wow, I love your smile.” And you’re like, “Thanks, I love your perfume.” And then you’ve just lied because literally nobody likes the smell of old lady perfume.
* * *
Zach: I bet if you were an old lady, I’d like your perfume.
* * *
Me: Stop. It.
* * *
Me: But yeah, I bet you would. ;-)
* * *
Zach: You are so incredibly full of yourself. Well, except for when I genuinely try to compliment you on your freckles. Then you’re just a complete shithead.
* * *
Me: Did you just call me a shithead?
* * *
Zach: Yes. Shithead.
* * *
Me: That’s it, you owe me another picture of Marshmallow.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: OMG!!!!! He’s wearing a diaper! It’s so cute. I’m crying. *sobs*
* * *
Zach: I’ve never been proud of making a girl cry before. *sobs*
Six
Me: Save me. I’m bored.
* * *
Zach: I’m not sending you dirty texts, Delia.
* * *
Me: I DID NOT SAY THAT.
* * *
Zach: Oh, please. This entire thing was a cry for dirty pictures.
* * *
Me: You are such a damn liar. You wish I wanted pictures from you.
* * *
Zach. I’m sending you one. BRB.
* * *
Me: Wow. The anticipation is killing me.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: You took a bathroom selfie with Marshmallow?!
* * *
Zach: His first. I’m so proud of him. Hope I got his best angle.
* * *
Me: He looks great, and I love how you still don’t show your entire face.
* * *
Zach: That’ll just ruin the surprise for when you give in and finally agree to meet up with me.
* * *
Zach: I’m way cute, by the way.
* * *
Me: Bushy eyebrows and all, huh?
* * *
Zach: Is that a sexual thing you’re into? Bushy brows? HOLD ON. Did you save my picture for your spank bank?
* * *
Me: OF YOUR EYEBROWS?! No, you freak!!!
* * *
Zach: I bet you’re into weird sexual shit.
* * *
Me: Am not. I’m vanilla.
* * *
Me: Shit, that’s the last thing I should admit to a guy. I’m a horrible flirt.
* * *
Zach: Wait, we’re flirting? Shit. I would have sent you a pic of my six-pack if I had known. Hang on.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: Okay, I was expecting beer because you’re lame like that, and a VERY small part of me was hoping for a picture of your actual abs, but this? Yeah…I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t even know people still owned those fake abs shirts.
* * *
Zach: In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a bit of a nerd. P.S. How’d you like those muscles?
* * *
Me: Oh. Hmm…I didn’t even see. Let me zoom in real quick.
* * *
Me: That right arm appears to be a little bigger than the left. Hmm… *taps chin*
* * *
Zach: That’s my gaming mouse arm.
* * *
Me: And the nerd hits keep on coming.
* * *
Zach: How about this…you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.
* * *
Me: My what?
* * *
Zach: I don’t know. Anything.
* * *
Zach: Come on, Delia. Let’s get textual.
* * *
Me: Did you just…
* * *
Me: I can’t right now. CANNOT EVEN.
* * *
Zach: You love that I supply you with endless witty banter and say stupid shit. Come on, admit it—you like it.
* * *
Me: I do not!
* * *
Me: *whispers* I really do.
* * *
Zach: BUSTED!
* * *
Zach: Now, you going to send a pic or what?
* * *
Me: No faces, right?
* * *
Zach: No, because we’re not ruining the surprise.
* * *
Me: Fine. One moment.
* * *
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Zach: YOUR FEET?!
* * *
Me: Is that not what you wanted? Oh, my bad. I assumed that was what one did while sexting.
* * *
Zach: Some people are super into it, and whatever, that’s their thing, but no. GOOD LORD, NO.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: Omg. Who painted your toenails?!
* * *
Zach: My roommate has a son who is super into nail polish right now, so I let him paint my toes for me.
* * *
Me: I have tears in my eyes. You’re amazing.
* * *
Me: Does the kiddo spend a lot of time there?
* * *
Zach: Every other weekend. He’s conked out in my bed with Marshmallow right now. They’re best friends.
* * *
Zach: How did we go from talking about sexting to talking about kids? I feel ripped off.