Sex and the Single Vampire

"Do you know that there is a Dark One upstairs lying on a really big bed?" Noelle asked as she came down Christian's front stairs. I peeled off my wet coat and sniffed. Only the faintest smell of smoke - both demon and wood - lingered.

I almost smiled, so happy was I to see Noelle. She was such a nice, normal woman in a world that seemed oddly shy of normalcy. "Yes, his name is Sebastian. I hope you didn't wake him; he's been very ill."

"I didn't go into the room, just peeked in when I was checking for imps."

Well, she was almost normal.

"Good." I set down my bag, well away from the lake of water that was forming at my feet. "I take it we're imp-free?"

She nodded, her fingers tracing the carving on the side of the banister. "Yes, but there's a very confused mouse in the pantry. It was sharing its home with an imp."

"Ah. Well, as I don't know the name of any good mice therapists, I guess it'll just have to work things out on its own. Would you mind coming into the study for a couple of minutes? I have a little proposition I'd like to make."

"Sexual or professional?"

I stopped midway up the stairs. "Do I look like I'm about to make a sexual advance?"

She let her gaze wander from my sodden feet, up to my jeans, with mud and water splashed up to my waist, up farther to my damp sweater that had been pulled out of shape when I stuffed the doll under it, finally coming to my face. I had a feeling the long hours with no sleep, not to mention the battle to save Sebastian, and the wear and tear on my nerves at seeing Christian willingly submit to Asmodeus had left my eyes a bit bloodshot. My eyes are not attractive at their best, but bloodshot and tired...

Noelle shuddered delicately.

"That bad, eh?"

She gave me a small smile. "I'm sure you've seen better days."

I turned and trudged damply up the stairs, ignoring the pain in my leg just as I always did, suddenly feeling the weight of the world bearing down on me. Life seemed so intolerable without Christian. I knew just how impossible it was going to be for me to live without him. Either we managed a life together, or...

"I'm not going down without taking a few of them with me," I said in a growl as I pushed open the door to Christian's study. Esme bustled toward me, Honoria leaping up and following quickly behind.

"Oh, Allie, I'm so relieved to see you! Poor Honoria was beside herself with worry - well, we both were, naturally, but I see you've brought a friend with you. Hello, I'm Esme Cartwright. You must be that nice Guardian who's taken care of the demon and imps. Allie, why are you so damp?"

"I didn't know we had imps," I protested as I collapsed with a wet noise into Christian's chair. "Esme, Honoria, this is Noelle. She is indeed the Guardian Christian called. I take it you finished with Sarra?"

Noelle nodded and took the seat opposite the desk, smiling at Honoria. "That's a very pretty doll. Does it have a name?"

Honoria scooted behind Esme until just the tips of her soft brown curls peeked out from behind Esme's bathrobe. "Bettina."

"That's a nice name as well. Is Allie going to Release you and Bettina?"

I sighed and slumped over the desk until my forehead was resting on my arms. Water rolled off my hair and puddled around my wrists.

"She couldn't do it," the little ghost had the nerve to snap. She came around from behind Esme and pointed at me, stomping a petulant booted foot. "She said she would, but she didn't, because she's too stupid to know how to do it properly."

"Now, Honoria, a lady never speaks to an elder that way."

I glared at Esme over the top of my arms. She hurriedly added, "Especially one who has tried so hard to help you, as Allie has."

"I don't care, I think she's stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Her little-girl voice rose up into a screech that seemed to pierce the tender flesh of my brain. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"A return to Guarda and her little games can be arranged, you know."

Honoria threw herself against Esme and bawled.

Wearily I pushed my wet hair off my face. "I suppose you should meet the whole gang. Antonio, Jem, Alis, Mr. Woogums, I Summon you."

All four popped into the room.

"Mi coraz¨®n! You 'ave Summoned me to your side again! My 'eart, it beats only for...'Ello. What so charming red curls you 'ave, my lady." Antonio made a deep court bow.

"Omh! Ah aghn ahnnh ahah ahah ahah arnuah!"

Jem was wearing a blue-and-red skintight spandex outfit, blue boots with gold flames licking up the sides, and a blue black and-red mask fitting tightly over his head.

I grimaced. "Don't tell me, you've been watching one of those wrestling shows?"

"Aaaangh."

"Tongue still missing?" I asked Antonio.

He quickly dragged his eyes from Noelle and blew me a kiss. "Alas, I fear it is so, my little water sprite. We 'ave looked 'igh and low for it, but the tongue, it is 'iding. We cannot find it. And who might this beauteous lady be?"

"Are you Mr. Woogums?" Noelle asked him.

He looked appalled. Quickly I made the necessary introductions. Noelle turned her bright, interested eyes from Antonio's leer to Esme comforting Honoria.

"I used to look like you," I told her, suddenly feeling a bit tetchy and peevish. "I used to be professional-looking, and on top of everything and with it and all that. Nothing rattled me. Well, not much. I had a plan, a life plan. I knew where I was going, and how I was going to get there. Now look what I've turned into." I sat back and the leather protested with a rude, wet sucking noise. "I fell in love. This is what happens when you fall in love. You end up wet, with a houseful of ghosts, and a man who thinks he's responsible for everyone's happiness but his own. Taking it all into consideration, I highly advise you against falling in love with anyone, mortal or not."

She grinned at me. I sighed. She was too cute; some guy was bound to snatch her up and make her wet and miserable, too. "Esme, would you show Alis to the ceramic room? Her screaming is making my head pound. Then perhaps you all could watch some TV quietly. I need to talk to Noelle about rescuing Christian."

"Rescue? Why would you wish to rescue that dead one? I for one am enjoying 'is absence."

I batted Antonio away from where he'd perched on the edge of the desk.

"Ooh, a rescue! Mr. Woogums and I dearly love a good rescue. What can we do to help?"

"Nothing," I said, too tired even to collapse and fall into a stupor. "There's nothing you can do. You're just ghosts."

"We may be ghosts, but we are extremely 'andsome and dashing ghosts," Antonio said as he strutted through the middle of the desk, twanging his codpiece suggestively at Noelle.

"That's right, I'm sure we can do something to help dear Christian." Esme nodded.

"Ahng wahaaaaaan," Jem added.

"I've never rescued a Dark One before," Noelle said slowly, a little frown appearing between her eyebrows. She even frowned cute. "I'm not absolutely certain that it's in my job description."

I stared at her.

"That was a joke."

"Oh. Ha, ha, ha."

"And I hate to contradict you, but if you're serious about rescuing this boyfriend of yours, your friends here might be very helpful indeed."

"There, you see? Even the nice Guardian says we could be of help!" Esme crowed. "I'm sure I'd have no problem overcoming a fiend or two, and Mr. Woogums would be happy to bite someone if only I can teach him how to focus his energy properly."

"I shall bring my rapier. I am most dashing with my rapier," Antonio told Noelle. He demonstrated with a few moves that would have left her without the ability to bear children had the rapier been made up of anything other than air and psychic energy.

Jem adopted a crouched wrestling pose and cracked his knuckles. "Eee oong anh."

"We shall all be able to help," Esme said with great satisfaction as she drifted toward the door. "I'll just fetch Alis back. I'm sure she'll be delighted to pretend the bad people are made of ceramic and yell at them."

I pounded my forehead gently on the desk.

"You know, they have a point. You might not think they can be of help, but just their appearance can give you a few seconds of diversion."

I stopped pounding long enough to look at Noelle. "I haven't told you what I'm up against. It's not just a few Summoners and the odd triumvirate or two. I have to get Christian away from Asmodeus, the demon lord, the demon master who I am fairly certain turned Christian's father and thus has some sort of connection to Christian."

Noelle frowned. "Oh. I'd forgotten you'd mentioned Asmodeus. That is a bit of a sticky wicket."

"How sticky a wicket is it?" I asked as Esme ushered Alis into the room, shushing her and whispering in her ear.

"Well..."

I sighed. I didn't have time or the energy to cope with much more. "Let me put it to you this way - do you know if it's possible to defeat a demon lord?"

She nodded. "You can defeat anything, if you go about it properly."

Well, that was hopeful. Kind of.

"Okay, next question: Do you know how to defeat a demon lord?"

She shook her head.

"Do you know someone who does?"

She shook her head again.

I started to get a bit desperate. I knew that because I had the overwhelming urge to giggle. I must have been more tired than I thought, because a couple of giggles slipped out as I asked, "Have you ever heard of anyone defeating a demon lord?"

She smiled as my giggling grew stronger. "No, I haven't."

I gave it up and just sat back in the chair and howled, wiping tears from my already damp face as I laughed the laugh of the mentally and physically exhausted. Esme hovered with a worried look on her face, Honoria snickered, Jem demonstrated his prowess by wrestling a chair to the ground, Alis (restrained by Esme's warning) honed her ancient-crone glare until it could split stone, and Antonio seated himself on the arm of Noelle's chair and proceeded to ask very personal questions about her preferences in men. By the time he got to whether or not her sexual partners had to be technically alive, I had managed to gather the few wits remaining to me and arranged them in a formation where I could think again.

Esme had detached herself from Honoria long enough to pat me on my right shoulder. "Overtired, poor child."

My arm went numb.

"Perhaps you'd better tell me everything from the beginning," Noelle said, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees despite the fact that Antonio was not very subtly peering down her blouse.

I thought about the strength I'd need to tell her everything, decided on an abbreviated version, and quickly hit the high points of the last few days, intimacies with Christian excluded.

She chewed on a fingernail. "Hmm. Very sticky. This triumvirate you mentioned is clearly being fed by Asmodeus. That might work to your benefit."

I rubbed my aching forehead and tried to follow her thoughts. "You mean that feeding them would weaken him? I can see that, but what good is a weakened Asmodeus going to do me when I have the triumvirate breathing down my neck? I barely managed to get Sebastian out without bringing the house down around our ears, and that, I'm positive, is only because Christian was distracting Asmodeus enough that he couldn't throw his power into the triumvirate."

She sat back, apologizing as her arm slid through Antonio's thigh. "Asmodeus is by far the more powerful of the two entities."

I nodded. "Right. So it makes sense to take him out first. I understand that, but the triumvirate - "

"Is made up of humans."

That stopped me cold. I looked at it, prodded it, and decided it was good. Then I realized what her meaning really was, and the little bit of common sense that had remained with me tossed up its hands in despair, packed an overnight case, and headed off on a long, long vacation. "You mean I call up a demon to take care of the triumvirate?"

She nodded.

"Oh, my!" Esme's eyes were round with worry. She scooped up Mr. Woogums and hugged him and Honoria against her ample breast. "Are you sure that's wise?"

"Pish." Antonio snorted, patting his chest. We all turned to look at him. I had never actually heard anyone say the word pish before. It was a bit frightening. "I will protect mi coraz¨®n from any demon. I am 'er courtier most brave."

"It's perfectly safe as long as you keep the demon under your control," Noelle said slowly, considering me with a critical eye that didn't seem to like what it saw. "I think, upon reflection, that it would be a good idea if I were to accompany you on this venture. I should hate to think what would happen if a demon you raised were to run amok through London."

"Earthquakes, mass 'ysteria," Antonio said.

I glared at him.

"Rain of locusts, the sky set afire, the oceans turned to blood," Esme added.

"Yes, thank you, I think we get the picture," I said. "What exactly would the demon - "

"Ehn wahnah ahgha mwaaaah," Jem said with a sorrowful shake of his head.

"Oh, yes, definitely a plague or two," Esme nodded. "And you're absolutely right about the rats."

I glared at them all, then turned my gaze back to Noelle. "What exactly would the demon do?"

She told me.

They had to carry me to bed after that. The exhaustion and Noelle's suggestions were just too much for my poor little brain. Fortunately, between the two of them, she and Antonio were able to get me into Christian's bedroom and onto the bed beside Sebastian without either of the Turners noticing, or Sebastian waking up.

I dreamed of Christian encased in a block of ice, standing in the corner of the bedroom, just watching me as I lay sleeping. The ice turned to glass, and I knew that if I reached out for him, if I tried to touch him, the glass would shatter and pierce his heart. I rose from the bed and stood before him, my arms empty, my heart torn apart by the need I had for him and the knowledge that in order to free him from the glass I'd have to give up everything I had fought for. I wept tears of blood and watched him until his image faded away into the dull gray of the day.

Joy and Roxy woke me up three hours later. I was disoriented at finding them in Christian's room, even more so when I realized the person lying in bed, tucked in under the covers, was Sebastian, not Christian.

"I'm sorry to wake you, Allie, but Noelle said not to let you sleep any later than noon."

"You met Noelle?" I pushed myself into a sitting position and looked down at Sebastian. His face didn't look nearly as wan and gaunt as it had earlier.

Roxy waved toward a metal apparatus standing next to him. "Noelle arranged this. It's an IV; isn't that clever of her? She even got the blood from one of the blood banks."

"We met her when we stopped by to see how you were after last night. She's taking a shower."

"Oh." I rubbed my eyes, the feel of the dream's blood tears still heavy upon my cheeks.

"You look a bit muzzy yet. Come on; we'll get you into the shower, then let you have some of the soup Mrs. Turner made. What a very odd woman she is," Joy prattled as she bustled me out of bed, out of my clothes, and into the shower even before I gathered together the thought to protest.

A half hour later I was washed, dressed, and fed. Fifteen minutes later Roxy and Joy stood at the door of Christian's house and waved us off as Noelle and I climbed into a cab. Ten seconds after that I realized I was squishing one of the bobbles and spent the rest of the cab ride frantically resuscitating a flattened yarn bobble.

An hour and seven minutes after waking up, I stood with Noelle outside the Trust's house and prepared to raise my first - and hopefully only - demon.

Three minutes after that I looked at my demon and burst into laughter.

"What?" the demon asked, turning its head 360 degrees to examine itself. "What's so funny? Why is the Summoner laughing and crying at the same time? I don't see what's so funny. I'm a demon; where's my respect? Where's the fear and cowering before me?"

"Erm..." Noelle examined it from the tips of its shiny patent leather shoes to the top of its big pink bow. "Demon, what is your name?"

"Oh, right, like I look like I fell off the stupid truck?" it asked, its pudgy little hands on its flat hips. "You can't ask me that, Guardian. Go read the rule book. Sheesh. Amateurs."

I wiped my eyes and hiccupped a couple of times, blowing my nose on the tissue I stuffed away in my bobble-free pocket. "Okay, I think I'm better." I looked at the demon and felt my lips twitch. I couldn't help it; the sight of it was too much for my fragile nerves. "What is your name?"

"Tirana."

"Who do you serve?"

"Oriens. Now would one of you mind telling me why neither of you is averting your eyes from my dreadful presence, so monstrous that my very being is unbearable to humankind?"

Noelle snickered, quickly converting it into a cough.

"Well, possibly," I said, feeling my lips twitch again. "But maybe first you would tell us why you chose to manifest yourself in the form of Shirley Temple as last seen on the 'Good Ship Lollipop'?"

The demon twirled around, its big pink sash fluttering as it smoothed down its dress and frilly little petticoat. "My grotesque form isn't making you sick with fright?"

We both shook our heads, Noelle with a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "Shirley Temple at her pinnacle was frightening," I finally told it, "but not in the sense I think you mean."

The demon's little golden curls bobbed as it stamped its foot. "It's that Morilen! He told me that this form would strike terror in the hearts of humans! Well, he'd just better hide behind the legion of Paymon, because when I get back to hell - "

It's never pretty when a demon swears, but it's positively ludicrous when the demon in question is an exact duplicate of America's little sweetheart.

"Have you heard of Tirana?" I asked Noelle while the little demon was stamping around cursing its companion.

"No, but Oriens is the weakest of all the demon lords. I would say," - she paused a moment to watch the demon jump up and down on a late-blooming flower - "that you have raised one of the lesser demons. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's the bottom of the barrel, demonically speaking."

My shoulders sagged for a minute. I couldn't even raise a proper demon; I had to get the runt of the litter. How could I possibly save Christian with a demon that wore lacy ankle socks and a big pink sash? It just wasn't possible.

"I think it says a lot about the purity of your spirit that the worst type of demon you can raise is... well... Tirana."

I took a little comfort in that fact until the cold, watchful gaze from the house had me straightening my shoulders, the knowledge that somewhere within the house the man I loved was being held strengthening my resolve.

"Right. I can do this. Tirana, stop trying to squash the flower; you'll get your nice shoes dirty. We have work to do. I command thee to my will."

"Command, schommand," it groused, obediently following me.

Noelle touched my arm gently as I started up the walk to the front door. She pulled an amulet off over her head and slipped the chain over mine, then traced a symbol on my forehead.

"For luck," she said with a half smile.

I fingered the amulet. It was warm and gave me a sense of serenity that was greatly lacking in my present state. "Thanks."

"You remember what I told you?"

I hoped so. I was busy almost the whole of the cab ride trying to desquish one of the ghosts' bobbles, but I felt pretty confident that I had remembered her instructions.

"I wish I could go in with you."

I gave her a little smile that I hoped looked more sincere than it felt. "I know, and I appreciate all the help you've given me. You'll wait here?"

She nodded.

I turned and faced the house again. I could feel Asmodeus inside, gathering his power. My hand closed around the bobbles as I cleared my mind and gathered my own power. The amulet seemed to hold the power, magnifying it slightly. I raised my chin, held up my hand, and commanded the door to open, then marched into the dark, gaping maw of the house armed with a borrowed amulet, a demon that looked like it should be dancing with Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, five helpful ghosts and one petulant one, and a heck of a lot of determination.

The doors to the library had been thrown open. Guarda, Phillippa, and Eduardo stood in the middle of the room in a triangle, not yet a triumvirate, but capable of forming one with just a touch of Eduardo's fingers to the women's necks. Asmodeus stood to the left of them, Christian to their right.

I smiled at them all. "I hope it's no bother, but I've changed my mind. I'd like Christian back, please."

The front door slammed shut behind me.