The Unfailing Light

A few weeks later, Alix fell ill and was bedridden for several days. She lay pale and damp with sweat, clenching her bed linens in stoic suffering. She was not able to get up from her bed to go to class with us, and at night, I listened to her tossing and turning. She whimpered in her sleep as if in pain. I asked Sister Anna to check on her, but the woman would only agree to say prayers for Alix.

Those prayers were useless. I crawled out of my own bed to check on the German princess several times during the night. She always woke up before I could cross the room. Sitting straight up in bed, she whispered in alarm, "What are you doing?"

"Can I get you some water?" I asked, reaching for the pitcher at Aurora's bed stand.

"No!" Alix cried, but her voice was strange, as if she weren't even talking to me. With an anguished moan, she fell back against her pillow again. She was drifting in and out of consciousness and her fever seemed to grow worse as the nights went on. Ignoring her weak protests, I put damp washcloths on her forehead and coaxed her to take sips of water.

Her sister, Grand Duchess Ella, arrived the day of the full moon and insisted upon taking Alix away from Smolny and to her St. Petersburg palace to recuperate. At first our headmistress forbade it, but the grand duchess was adamant. Sister Anna sided with the grand duchess, suggesting that Alix would feel better in her dear sister's care.

Madame Tomilov looked very displeased that anyone, including a grand duchess, would dare oppose her, but in the end instructed me to help Alix pack her things. The German princess seemed unsteady on her feet.

"Is it time for your monthly course?" I whispered as we reached our room. I knew that would not cause her to have a fever, but it could be exacerbating her problem.

Alix blushed, but only shook her head. She pulled a small suitcase out from under her neatly made cot and laid it open on top of the blankets. The first thing she placed inside was her German Bible.

"Has the fever returned? Do you have any aches or pains?" I could not help asking.

"No. Please, Katerina. I do not wish to discuss my illness with anyone." She dropped down on her hands and knees, searching for something else under her cot. Her small, dark wooden box, which she slid out and placed in her suitcase.

"Is it your digestion?" Alix had been teased by Aurora and some of the other girls for having a weak stomach. But the food at Smolny truly left something to be desired. Especially the boiled mutton they'd served to us every night that week. "I am sure Sister Anna or I could persuade the cook to make a nice broth for you."

Grand Duchess Ella stood in the doorway and watched as Alix gathered her things. "You won't need most of those," she said impatiently. "Sunny, we really must hurry and get you home."

Alix finished packing and fastened the lid on her suitcase. She turned and glared at me, but then her face relaxed, and she was civil as she answered me. "I thank you for your concern. I hope I will be able to return to Smolny soon."

I smiled at her. It was just her extreme shyness that caused her to act so stiffly. She must have been quite a different person at home to be called Sunny by her family. "I am sure you will," I said. "Your sister will take excellent care of you."

"Yes, she worries constantly about all of her sisters," she answered as she and the grand duchess exchanged glances.

"May God bless and protect you, Katerina," Grand Duchess Ella said to me. "Thank you for looking after Alix."

I watched from the tiny window in the stairwell as Alix climbed into the imperial carriage. The carriage stopped suddenly at the archway leading from the inner courtyard, and then just as suddenly lurched forward. The horses galloped off, pulling the carriage in a hurry, as if they'd been spooked. It was almost as if the empress's spell did not want to let the German princess leave Smolny.