I scoff at that last part. He has no idea what kind of repercussions I’ve faced as a result—or the strain it’s put on my relationship with my parents. If I thought they were protective before I went to Alaska, they were a million times worse when I came back.

“There had to have been a time in your life where you rebelled. Haven’t you ever gone through a wild phase, Lainey?”

“Yes. You were my wild phase, and clearly that was a terrible mistake,” I snap.

RJ pushes out of his chair and tries to corral me, but I slip between the chairs, out of reach once again.

“You said you planned to tell me the truth once you got to LA and we got in touch, but how was that ever going to work? I’d see all the same things, and I would’ve been on the other side of the country. How would you explain it then? How would you have been able to make me see whatever truth you want to feed me?” I move toward the house. “I tried to find you—I called every single alpaca farm in New York looking for you, but no one knew who you were, which makes sense, since I was asking for someone they’d never heard of.”

RJ’s expression is pained. “My mom sold the farm right after Max was born—to an investor. She wanted to be in LA with my sister and brother.”

I shake my head, not wanting to hear how we missed each other by weeks. “I tried to find you, but how hard did you try to find me, RJ? Really and truly?” I remember how devastated I was when I couldn’t find him and how, recently, I began to wonder if it hadn’t been a karmic blessing. “I need to go.”

RJ’s shoulders cave. “Please, Lainey.”

“I can’t be here right now. This is too much.” I move toward the sliding door, needing to get away from him and all the memories and the conflict I’m feeling over him and everything I know now.

“Can’t you give me a chance to prove you already know the real me?”

I can’t look at him and see that his expression matches the sadness in his voice. I want to give him that chance, but I don’t want to set myself up for more disappointment. “And put my heart on the line for you again? How will I trust you?”

He steps in front of the door before I can reach it. I stumble back, and he grips my biceps to keep me from falling—or maybe to keep me from running away. I long for the feel of his arms around me again. I want to sink into his warmth and the comfort I remember so vividly still.

“I was falling for you. I was halfway in l—”

“Don’t!” I all but shout. “Don’t play with my emotions. It’s unfair.”

“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m trying to be honest.”

“You had plenty of chances to be honest. Just let me go, Rook.” I say his name like a curse.

“I already let you go once, Lainey, and it gutted me—I don’t know if I can do it again.”

“Well, you can’t hold me captive, can you?”

“No. I can’t.” He releases me, and I spin around, yank the door open, and pad across the hardwood to the front entrance. Stupid, rogue tears start to fall as I shove my feet into my flats. I don’t know how to reconcile the version of him I thought I knew with the one who lives in an almost mansion and has a reputation for being a colossal playboy.

I struggle to open the door, unable to figure out how the locks work with how blurry my vision is. I realize I’m on the verge of a full-blown panic attack—all of this is too much to handle. I struggle to breathe, to think. My vision swims with dots, and suddenly I find myself pulled into his solid embrace.

His lips find my temple. “Breathe, Lainey—just breathe.”

I cling to his shirt, trying to force myself to let go when all I want to do is hold on tighter. He rubs soothing circles on my back, murmuring for me to breathe over and over, telling me he’s sorry, that he never wanted to hurt me.

I count all the things I can feel, see, hear, taste, and smell. Eventually I calm down enough that I’m able to pry my fingers from his shirt. I press my palms against his chest, his heart beating hard under them.

He brushes away my tears. “I’m so sorry, Lainey. This wasn’t what I wanted. I thought your silence was your way of telling me my feelings were one-sided.”

“I have to go.” It’s nothing but a broken whisper.

He cups my face in his palms. “Please look at me.”

I slowly lift my eyes, taking in his devastatingly handsome face.

“I messed this up once, Lainey, and I understand that I’ve blindsided you with all of this, but I promise I’m the man you met a year ago, and I’m going to do everything in my power to prove that to you.” For a moment I think he’s going to kiss me.

And he does—on the cheek.

My skin burns. My heart stutters.

I should tell him my own truth.

But for now we’re tied: a lie for a lie.

CHAPTER 15

BACK IN THE GAME

Rook

Lainey asked for space, but considering how upset she was yesterday when she left my place—and how poorly I slept—I call her first thing the next morning and leave a voice mail asking how she’s doing and letting her know I’m thinking about her before I hit the gym.

I still haven’t heard from Lainey by the time I’m finished with my workout, so I fire off a message with basically the same content as the voice mail and then proceed to order her a bouquet of flowers. I’m just about to head home when my phone lights up. I check the screen, elated as fuck when I see Lainey’s name pop up.

“Hey, hi. How are you?”

“Uh, hi. Is this RJ?” It’s a female voice, but it’s not Lainey.

“It is.” I check the screen. It’s definitely Lainey’s number, which I memorized the night I acquired it. “Who is this?”

“Uh, it’s Eden. I’m a friend of Lainey’s, and I’m sort of staging an intervention.”

“An intervention? Is Lainey in some sort of trouble?” I consider the dark circles under her eyes and her anxiety—which I was familiar with in Alaska, but it was always something she seemed to manage okay when she was comfortable and felt safe—but maybe I’m missing something.

“Not like an intervention intervention—more like I’m trying to give her a friendly nudge in the right direction. So I’m probably going to get myself in some trouble for telling you this, but she hasn’t ever really gotten over you. I mean, she’s been dealing with a lot of stuff, and she’s only recently tried to start dating.”

“She’s dating someone?” This is not what I want to hear.

“Not really. I mean, they’ve gone on a couple of dates, and she thinks he’s nice and stable or whatever, but she’s not really into him.”

“So it’s not serious?”

“No. Not yet, anyway. Like I said, just a couple of dates, but I think he really likes her—and he lives in her building, so that’s not ideal for you.”

“Shit. No, it’s not.” I really need to step up my game.

“It’s just that Lainey has a lot on her plate, most of which I’m pretty sure she hasn’t mentioned to you but definitely should.”