“I’m clean and on the pill.”  I tried to reassure him.

“I’m clean, too.”  He still seemed annoyed, though.

“It felt good, baby.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, gruffly.  “But I won’t lose control like that again, I promise.”

I grabbed his arm and pulled him to me.  “It’s okay to lose control, Donovan.  You’re wound so tight with that control.  Let it go, baby.”

He didn’t say anything, and then he left me to walk out of the room.  I watched with a heavy heart.  Something held him back, kept a part of him locked away from me, and I wanted to know what it was.

Chapter Eighteen

Blade

“Baby, stop.”

A hand landed on my arm and gently shook me awake.  I sat bolt upright, my heart beating wildly in my chest, my breathing hard to get under control.

“Donovan,” Layla’s voice penetrated my thoughts, and I turned to look at her.

“Sorry,” I murmured as I scrubbed my hand over my face.

Fuck.

“Don’t apologise.  You were having a bad dream.”

Fuck.

I pushed the bed covers off, moved off the bed and headed into the bathroom.  Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I flicked the tap on and splashed water on my face.  Jesus, I looked like shit today.  When the fuck would this madness end?

I walked back into Layla’s room and picked up my clothes.  As I began dressing, she left the bed and came to me.

“Are you leaving?”  The disappointment in her voice was unmistakable.

I kept dressing and said, “Yeah, I’ve got stuff to take care of this morning.”

“Who’s Ashley?”

I froze.

My heart thumped in my chest.

I struggled for breath.

My eyes met hers, and my focus went in and out as I struggled to see through the haze.

“Fuck.”  The word came from my mouth, but I heard it as if someone in the distance uttered it.

My past collided with my future and the torment I’d lived with for so long came rushing to the surface.

“Talk to me,” Layla whispered, and I heard the plea in her voice.

“She was my fiancé.”

Her eyes widened but she didn’t say anything.

“She died three years ago.”  I forced the words out, hating the sound of them on my lips and the feel of them on my skin.

She still didn’t say anything.  Just watched and waited.

“She was raped and murdered.”  More filthy words out of my mouth.

“You’ve been dreaming about her, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Bad dreams?”  Her voice was soft, coaxing.

“Yes.”

“Oh, baby,” she murmured as her arms came around me, and pulled me to her.

I let her hold me, but my arms stayed by my side.  I was unable to hold Layla while talking about Ashley.

Fuck.

She let me go and said, “Tell me about her.”

I stared at her.

I can’t do this.

I rubbed my hand over my face.  “I’ve gotta get to work,” I muttered, trying desperately to fight through the haze.

“Don’t do this, please, “ she begged on a whisper.

“I can’t . . . ” My voice was a strangled mess as I fought the emotions pressing against me.

Fuck.

I finished dressing and sat on the bed to put my boots on.

I didn’t look at her.

I couldn’t.

I stood, and walked to the door.  Pausing, I said, “I’ll call you.”

And then I left without waiting for her response and without a backwards glance.

***

“Onyx took care of Phil,” Merrick advised me an hour later.

I sat in my office chair, staring out the window at the river, a million thoughts racing through my mind.  Turning to him, I said, “Good.”

“Said he would have preferred for it to be more than just a chat.”

I nodded.  “Yeah, there’s no love lost between those two, but we need Phil alive so he can sort this shit out for us.”

“I’m sure we could have come up with an alternative plan.”

I threw my pen down on the desk.  “Fuck, Merrick, when does the fucking blood end?”

He stared at me in shock.  “What?”

“Do you ever get sick of the shit we do?  Of the bloody battlefield it feels like some days?”

“You know I do, Blade, but you also know as well as I do that we can’t walk away from that fucking battlefield.  We made the decision years ago to help those girls, and we’ve worked fucking hard to keep that good in the world.  There’s no turning back now, unless you’re willing to throw them to the wolves again.”

“Fuck!” I roared, and shoved my chair back.

“What the hell has gotten into you, Blade?”  Merrick stood as well, his forehead creased with worry.

“Every-fucking-thing.  I’m fucking stuck, and I don’t know how to escape it.”

He watched me silently.  “Shit.”

I clenched my fists at my side.  “Yeah.  Shit.”

“She’s gotten to you, hasn’t she?” he asked, quietly.

All the thoughts racing in my mind came to a halt.  “Yes.”

“But you’re holding back from her, aren’t you?”