A smart retort started to bubble in my brain, but I let it fade away and continued sitting there with my head hanging. Yes, I had hurt them, I knew that. Kiera put a hand on my arm and I looked up at her. “There’s still hope here, don’t give up.”

Shaking my head, I indicated my grimy exterior, the run-down diner that was the best I could afford. “Look at me, Kiera. I lost everything I owned, I’m living with my parents, I’m so deep in debt that even my piss is red, I’m doing a job I hate just to get by, and…I lost my wife, my best friends, and my children. What hope? How can I possibly fix all of that?”

Her face was firm but sympathetic. “That’s why I’m here. Things have been really hard on the D-Bags since you left. Denny told me he mentioned some of it, but probably not all of it. Have you been following the news?”

With a sigh, I shook my head again. “No, once the TV show fizzled, I tuned out. Even before that actually. Once I left the band…I didn’t want to hear about them. It kind of hurt, you know?” I felt weird admitting something so personal to Kiera, but she only nodded.

“Yeah, I know. Kellan and the guys kind of felt the same way about you. But they had to move on to keep the group going.” She let out a long exhale. “And it hasn’t been easy. There was a huge backlash when you left. Fans were hurt, confused…angry.”

Remembering some of them heckling me at Pete’s, I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

Kiera shook her head. “No, I don’t think you do. A lot of people were mad at you for leaving, but there’s this group of Griffin hardcores…and they’re making life hell for the rest of the guys.”

That shocked the hell out of me. “I have hardcores?”

Grimacing, Kiera nodded. “Yes. And they’re very vocal and very loyal. They started harassing the guys for pushing you away.” She closed her eyes for a second as she shook her head. “It got so bad with some of them, Kellan, Evan, and Matt had to get restraining orders.” She couldn’t have surprised me more if she’d said my TV show had been resurrected from the dead.

“Restraining orders? They…they okay?”

Her eyes opened slowly, like she was dead tired. “They’re fine. It was just pretty intense for a while. But this group, they’ve spread, and now every event the guys play at has protesters. Protesting what the band did to you. There were even some at the VMAs.”

I tried to think back to the night, if I recalled anything weird, but I’d been pretty wasted when I’d arrived, so I couldn’t remember seeing anything like that. “Wow” was all I could say.

Kiera gave me a half smile. “Yeah. And when the band finally did find someone to replace you, the protestors gave the new guy such a hard time…he quit.” With a sigh, she shrugged. “Thanks to your fanatics, every single person the band has hired to replace you has quit. The band can’t move forward. They can’t tour, can’t record another album…it’s been hell.”

I stared into my coffee cup as guilt churned inside me. “I had no idea they were struggling.” Why hadn’t they called me? I knew the answer to that the instant after I thought it. Because they didn’t want to admit defeat either. We were all drowning in our fucking pride.

Kiera sighed and I looked up at her. “Sales have dropped across the board, the band is floundering. Kellan has even mentioned disbanding…everyone going their separate ways…”

My eyes grew so wide my face started hurting. No, this wasn’t what I wanted. “They’re disbanding? Kellan can probably go solo, but Matt…Evan…what are they gonna do?” I was so worried for them, my heart started pounding harder.

Kiera’s peaceful smile made me feel a little better. So did her next words. “Denny convinced Kellan to try one more thing to replace you, so the band isn’t disbanding yet.”

Her words were bittersweet. I didn’t want the band to break apart, I really didn’t, but I wasn’t thrilled that their mission was to replace me. Feeling sullen, I asked her, “Yeah? And what’s that one thing Denny dreamed up?”

Surprising me, she laughed a little. “Ironically enough, it’s a TV show. Or a TV special, I guess I should say.” My expression must have been complete confusion, because she kept explaining. “Denny thinks that if we have a televised contest to replace you, where the fans get to vote, get to have a say, then your hardcores will be more accepting of the new person.”

My brain felt like Jell-O as I processed this new development. They were going to replace me on national TV. Kind of fitting, since that was how they lost me…

While I processed the information, Kiera softly said, “They’ve been having auditions all over the country…I’m a little surprised you haven’t heard about it.”

With a sniff, I told her, “I’ve been preoccupied.” Yeah, trying to keep my head above water was a full-time job on its own.

Kiera gave me a sympathetic smile. “Their last stop is here in Los Angeles…two weeks from now.” With a raised eyebrow, she added, “Tryouts are open to anyone. All a person has to do is show up and they’ll be given a chance.”

By the look on her face, it was clear she meant me. I could show up. I could audition. I could face the guys as a contestant looking for a job. I could start over. If I was brave enough. A conversation with my sister flashed through my tired brain.