We discover quickly that classy and wedding is a difficult combination to find in Vegas. There are a lot of dresses that make me look like a seriously well-paid hooker, or a showgirl. After three stores I’m starting to lose hope, and steam.

With the fourth one, we hit the jackpot. Daisy discovers a rack of dresses by a designer whose last name is another word for dick. Apparently she’s amazing and coming across something like this is unheard of. The dresses are gorgeous. The first one I try on is super poofy and makes it look like I’m wearing a vagina with really big, floppy lips from the waist down.

I try on a few that are super princessy, and I twirl around like an idiot, partly because it’s fun, and partly because Lily bought traveler wine and I’ve been sipping it since we left the spa. The next one I try on is this lovely flowy thing that’s gauzy with a pale purple sheen instead of being off-white.

My mom is in the dressing room with me. She takes a sip from the mini bottle of wine and passes it to me. It’s white, so it’s safe.

“This is it. This is the dress, Violet.”

“You think so?” I turn and check out the back. It’s mostly sheer, almost to my ass crack. But it’s not slutty. Not by Vegas standards anyway.

She tears up and takes my face in her palms. They’re kind of sweaty. “Look at you. You’re so beautiful. I did a pretty decent job on you, didn’t I?”

“I think so.”

“And you’re marrying this incredible man, and it has nothing to do with the fact that his dick is as big as his bank account, because he’s just so sweet.”

Leave it to my mom to turn a special moment into an inappropriate one. At least I know what my future is going to look like after Alex knocks me up.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, Violet. Let’s show the girls the dress you’re going to get married in.”

Everyone oohs and ahhs and agrees it’s the perfect dress. We find something pretty for the girls to wear so we all match for pictures, and of course Daisy and my mom need dresses, too. I’m amazed Daisy chooses one without shoulder pads.

In fact, I finally notice she’s wearing jeans from the current era, with rhinestones on her ass, and her top is definitely new. She looks fantastic. I was too hungover this morning to pay attention to those details.

Loaded with dresses, all bought on Alex’s credit card, we stop for lunch and then hit the street again. Sunny is holding up incredibly well; she seems to have an unlimited amount of energy.

“Oooh! We should go in there!” Charlene points to a sex shop.

“Let’s get Violet some fun toys for the honeymoon!” my mom shouts.

I glare at Charlene. I can handle a day of mani-pedis and dress shopping with my mom and Alex’s mom, but I do not want to go into a porn store with them to look at new lingerie. And maybe a new dildo or some edible underwear and a bra made out of candy.

My mom hooks her arm through Daisy’s, who looks shocked. I’m not sure she’s a big porn store frequenter. Usually I’m more of a Victoria’s Secret and online vibrator site shopper. I’m always at risk of saying something I shouldn’t when I’m physically in one of these stores. Which shouldn’t be surprising to anyone.

Sunny and Lily follow my mom and Daisy into the store, so I have no real option but to indulge Charlene and do the same. The bell over our heads tinkles, alerting the porn dealers to our pervery. It’s a classy shop as far as porn warehouses go.

Skinny mannequins with tiny boobs and long legs model skimpy lingerie—some are pretty and lacy, others boast black leather and chains. I’ll take a pass on those. I don’t need anything on my body that might accidentally cause damage to myself or Alex. I imagine a little outfit for the Super MC with chains on it and decide it’s the worst idea ever. I love his snuffie. I would never put it at risk. Again.

Charlene stops at the mannequin with the leather crotch strap and runs her fingers across the pearl necklace she’s taken to wearing all the time. She checks the price tag hanging out the side, then taps her lip, like she’s actually considering buying this craziness.

I mean, Alex and I have lots of sex, but it’s normal, apart from my cock-love chanting. I think, anyway. We don’t use a lot of toys, but then, we don’t need them. Alex really likes to be responsible for my orgasms, and he’s very good at making them happen.

Lily and Sunny are over at the racks of negligees, and my mom, sweet lord almighty, has dragged Daisy over to the plastic penis area. They’re each holding a fake dick, deep in discussion. I do not want to know what they’re talking about.

“Okay, so what do you need?” Charlene asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I already have Buddy, and I have plenty of lingerie.”

“It’s all vanilla lingerie, though. You need some fun stuff.”

“I have some fun stuff, like all my Chicago-inspired stuff, and my Waters’ ass panties.”

Charlene rolls her eyes. “That’s not the kind of fun I’m talking about. Violet, you’re going to be riding the same disco stick for the rest of your life. You need to keep it interesting.”

“For our honeymoon I’m making a cape out of a Fruit Roll-Up and then sucking it off Alex’s Super MC. I think I’m good at keeping things interesting.”

“I’m not talking about playing dress-up with Alex’s dick, Vi. I’m talking about stepping it up a notch.”