“Okay, do you know where we’re going?” I was trying to keep my voice calm as Cecilia started whimpering in the backseat. I should have fed her before we left, but the drive between the club and my apartment wasn’t long, and I’d thought I would have time to get her home before she started to fuss.

“I know where we’re going,” he replied. “Cameron, keep her quiet!”

I glanced back to see Cameron leaning toward Cecilia, doing something to quiet her down, but jerked my eyes toward the road again when I felt the gun push into my side.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked quietly, noting the familiar sensation of a panic attack beginning at my fingertips.

I’m okay. I’m okay. No, no, I’m not. But I can breathe. My thoughts spun as I struggled not to hyperventilate. I can breathe. This is just my body playing tricks on me. I can breathe.

“Well, Farrah, I’ll tell you why,” Tommy said seriously as he leaned against the passenger door. “Cody killed my woman and my kid, so I’m gonna take his. And then we’ll be even.”

More than one of Tommy’s kids had been killed, and his words didn’t make any sense.

“What do you mean, Tommy?” I asked meekly. “Casper didn’t have anything to do with the fire.”

“No, no, not the fire. That was Carmella,” he informed me sadly, his chin dropping to his chest. “She got greedy.”

“What?” I was so confused, I looked back again to make eye contact with Cameron, and saw the tears rolling down his face.

“Carmella?”

“Yeah, been seeing her on the side for a while, ya know?”

No, no, I hadn’t known. I don’t think anyone had.

“Visited her when I was up in Portland. Hot-as-fuck college girl—who could resist?”

Holy shit.

“Knocked her up,” he announced in the silent car. “Told her we could still be together, knew Trish’d look the other way.”

“So she lit your house on fire?” I asked for verification, bile rising in my throat.

“Didn’t do it herself, I know that. I was with her that night.”

Oh God. I looked to Cameron again, and he’d curled into himself on the seat, silently rocking back and forth.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I whispered, almost to myself.

“What was there to say? Carmella had my loyalty, just like Trish. Wasn’t going to pull the club into our business.” He reached up to scratch his head, and for just a moment, I considered running us off the road. If the kids hadn’t been in the backseat, I would have.

“I thought you loved Trisha?”

“I did love Trisha!” he yelled suddenly, digging the gun into my side again. “Loved her since the moment I laid eyes on her at fifteen years old!”

I said nothing as I continued to drive. Who knew what would set him off, and I was afraid with one wrong word he’d shoot me and we’d all be dead. He made me take an exit off the freeway an hour later, and continued to give directions as we drove over back road after back road.

Finally we stopped in the middle of a clearing at the end of a long gravel logging road.

“Bought this property a while back,” he commented, unbuckling his seat belt and rolling down his window. “Figure I’ll get some camping gear and we can camp out until the house gets built.”

“Camp out?” I asked, horror making my throat tight.

“Yeah.” He nodded as Cecilia woke back up with a scream.

“You need to feed her?” Tommy asked calmly, his eyes watching me intently.

“That’s probably what she wants,” I replied.

“Then feed the poor girl.”

Oh my God. His moods were giving me whiplash. I couldn’t figure out if he was crazy or way smarter than everyone thought.

I unbuckled my seat belt and was reaching for the door handle when he set the gun on the dash and gripped my thigh. “Cameron, hand Cecilia up here to Farrah so she don’t have to get outta the car,” he ordered.

His eyes never left mine as Cameron started fiddling with Cecilia’s buckles, finally handing her to me through the space between the two front seats. She stopped screaming as I took her in my arms, and immediately started rooting around at my halter top. Why hadn’t I brought a change of clothes to the clubhouse the night before?

“Cam, can you hand me the little pink blanket with the yellow stars, please?” I asked quietly, trying to hold my top in place as Cecilia’s little fingers grasped at it.

“No blanket,” Tommy ordered, watching Cecilia. “In fact, take that top off. It’s in her way.”

My hand shook as I started to raise one side of my halter.

“You not hear what I said to you?” he asked conversationally. “Take the whole thing off. Ain’t no one here to see you but me and Cam. Boy’s gotta learn sometime.”

I turned my head to meet Cameron’s eyes, and his face flushed in embarrassment and shame as he broke eye contact and looked at his feet. The halter tied behind my neck and back, and I used one hand to slowly reach around and pull the strings. It fell off, covering Cecilia’s face for a moment before I whisked it off of her, giving her access to the nipple near her face.

My stomach turned as I tried to wrap my arms more closely around her to hide my other breast, but it was no use. They were too big to hide with my arms, and the nipple she wasn’t connected to started to leak, dripping breast milk onto my arm.