“You’re crazy, bud.”

“Crazy like the chicken who crossed the road because did you know the car hit it?”

I shake my head and make a tsking sound with my tongue. “What a crazy chicken.”

He laughs again, and I listen to the sound that gives me hope, gives me purpose. “Hey, buddy. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

His eyes move to mine, then to the fort door, then to the boobie light on the ceiling. “Uh oh.”

“No. It’s not bad.” At least, I hope it’s not. “I just wanted to talk to you about your mom and Justin.”

“Okay.”

“Are you excited about the wedding? You have a lot of responsibility. You’re going to be the ring bearer, and that means you have to protect their wedding rings with your life.”

“I know.” He says, moving the boobie light around in circles. “They told me already last time.”

I clear my throat and push down the ache in my chest. “Have you thought about what you’re going to call Justin once they’re married?”

Tommy stares at me, his gaze searching, before blinking once, twice, and on the third time I look away, because the question in his eyes makes me question myself.

“He’s just… Justin,” Tommy says slowly, as if I’m the child in this situation.

I’m so damn afraid, so nervous it’s making me stutter. “S-so… you’re not—not going to call him dad?” I ask, facing him again.

Tommy places the flashlight between us, the glow casting a shadow over his face. He faces me, his eyes right on mine. “I like Justin. He’s cool,” he says. “But he’s not my dad, Dad.”

I exhale, relieved. “How did you grow up so fast?”

“I’m six. I am grown up.” Tommy shrugs. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

He moves the flashlight behind him and shuffles closer until his arm is over my chest. “I like my fort. Thank you for making it for me,” he says through a yawn. “But I didn’t really need it. I just wanted you to see me.”

29

—Joshua—

The guys and I were supposed to meet up a few days before we left for Hong Kong to promote the event. We only had a day home from a trip to Mexico before heading off to tour again. It was on that one day home when I got a phone call from Chris. He groaned into the phone, his words echoing around him. “Promo trip’s cancelled,” he mumbled. Then puked into what I assume was a toilet. “We’ll meet for the flight to Hong Kong.”

“Are you good?”

“Not at all.”

Turns out that on a night I chose to stay in and spend a couple of hours video chatting/messaging with Becca while in Mexico, the guys decided to try their luck at some local food stands. Apparently, it didn’t turn out well.

For them.

For me, it was a sign.

I packed my bags, and Tommy’s, too. Then I called Mom, told her to pack hers, said goodbye to Chazarae who had no idea what day or year it was. I told her I loved her and that I’d be back soon, and a few hours later, the three of us were boarding a plane to St. Louis.

I guess I probably should’ve notified Becca at some point between Chris’s phone call and the boarding of the flight that I was coming to see her, but it was rare that I got a couple days off to do whatever I wanted, and I wanted her. Even if it were for the few hours I’d get to see her between work at her internship and shifts at Say Something. Even if it meant being her personal chauffeur to those things and kissing her goodnight at her door, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to see her. Be near her. Do bad, bad things to her.

Okay, so the whole long distance thing was starting to wear me down. There’s only so much a guy can take. Becca and I tried to make some form of contact at least once a day, but with both our schedules, it became almost impossible. I’d wait three hours for a response, only to be dragged away for a few hours, and then she’d be busy, and so it goes, on and on, until a day passes, or two. And when we finally can be at one place for more than an hour, we sit and talk and we discuss how badly it sucks that we can’t be together and we make up stupid fantasy lives where nothing and no one else exists but her and me. It’s as satisfying as it is depressing because it’s exactly what I said; a fantasy.

Then a few days ago, she randomly sent a text that read, “You should just move here. Lol.”

That stupid “lol” distracted me for way too long, and I thought way too much about it. So much so that I found myself looking up houses near her. Houses I thought she’d like. Until a single thought infiltrated my mind and I slammed my laptop shut and called myself stupid. Because Chazarae.