Nightmare count: 16

On the upside, every day I'm here, I feel like I'm doing something good for the world. If I were to die today, people would say, 'Hey, that Loma asshole was saving the world one cholera vaccine at a time. Also, he missed the shit out of his girl.'

Amanda.

Fuck.

Whose stupid idea was it to write a journal? This shit doesn't help. Stupid Manny.

*

Seven weeks post Amanda.

Today, this kid called me Sir. And then he kicked me in the shin. The kid next to him laughed. Their laughs were so contagious I found myself smiling. It kind of hurt. I imagine it's what old leather feels like when it has to form to a different shape.

A new guy started today. Jason Malone. We call him Jamal. Doesn't suit him at all but now it's stuck, and he has to deal with it.

We're still going strong with the vaccines.

I'm still missing the shit out of her.

Last night I dreamt about her. It felt so real, that when I woke up I actually walked around our camp looking for her. I even whispered her name a few times, thinking she might really be here.

Maybe I've gone crazy.

Legit, certifiable-type crazy.

Jamal asked if I had a girl back home.

I told him I didn't want to talk about it.

He said 'Pic or I call bullshit.'

It made me think of the picture back home on my desk. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it. There was no problem seeing it in my mind.

Then Jamal called me out, asked me if I was about to cry.

Fucking Jamal.

Nightmare count: 20

*

Ten weeks post Amanda.

I'm crying.

A woman just brought her baby in. She was crying hysterically. I took one quick look at her child, and knew whatever it was she needed us to do it was too damn late.

I turned away and puked.

Manny told me to go back to our tent.

So that's where I am.

In the tent, crying my ass off, and questioning how the fuck I'm going to be a doctor one day.

Diary, if I ever complain about my life, tell me to buck the fuck up and get over it. Shit could be a hell of a lot worse.

*

Ten and a half weeks post Amanda.

A little girl came in today. She was holding her brother's hand. They could've been twins. She told me her name Amuhda. Definitely the highlight of my day.

Nightmare count: 21

*

Fourteen weeks post Amanda.

I laughed today. You'd think I'd be happy about it, but I feel like shit. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she ever laughs. I fucking hope so. Otherwise, all of this would have been for nothing.

We were moved from the field to more admin-type roles for the time being. They do that. Change things up. I'm not complaining. Even though it's still kind of a campsite, this one has actual roofs, walls, and showers.

Last night, Jamal's girlfriend called him. He wasn't around to answer, so Manny did it for him. Manny—being Manny—told his girlfriend that he'd been sick the last three days with the worst case of diarrhea he'd ever seen. Which is pretty bad, considering one of our main goals here is to treat the disease. Apparently, it was so bad he had to wear adult diapers and was in quarantine. He even referred to him as Jamal. I don't know what his girlfriend was thinking.

So, of course Jamal gets up in my shit to help him find a way to pay him back.

We waited until he was in the shower—one of those open shower stalls, like they have at public pools. Anyway, Manny faced the back of the stall where the shower head was, washing his face, shaking his ass and singing ‘Wrecking Ball’ by Miley Cyrus. I had Jamal's cell phone in hand, filming. Jamal was standing behind him with a full bottle of shampoo . . . We waited for him to start washing his hair, then when he was under the spray washing it out, Jamal squirted more shampoo in there. After a couple of minutes, Manny started getting pissed because he couldn't fucking get rid of the suds. In fact, it was getting worse. His eyes were closed the entire time while Jamal and I tried to contain our laughter. Fuck, we're assholes. Manny was cussing and spinning around in circles, blind as shit because the excessive shampoo was getting in his eyes. After a good five minutes of me filming and Manny losing his shit, Jamal finally spoke up, only he yelled, scaring the shit out of the still-blind Manny. Jamal went right up to Manny's ear, who was of course, clueless, and at the top of his lungs, yelled I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAALLLLLL!!!

So fucking funny.

Manny eyes snapped open and he started chasing Jamal around the campsite, barefoot, bare-ass naked. Dick swinging from side to side. He didn't even hear me laughing, or see me filming it all. Once they were out of filming view, I uploaded the video to YouTube and Jamal's Facebook and tagged Manny in it.

Manny had no idea until his mom called him.

Good fucking times.

I wish I could call Amanda and tell her the story. She would've loved it. I could imagine her face as I told her. That slow smile build-up. The low laugh that turns to something so much bigger. I can imagine her head thrown back, her hand on her stomach. She used to do that when I made her laugh too much. Then, when it was over, she'd sigh, almost like she was thankful for that moment.

Fuck, I miss her. So damn bad.

*

September 24th.

Today has a date. Today deserves a date.

Amanda turns twenty-one today.

I’d planned to take her and Ethan to Vegas. I wonder what they're doing.

She's probably moved on. Has a boyfriend or whatever. He probably thinks he loves her more than anyone's ever loved her. He's fucking wrong. No one could love her as much as I do.