I turn to look at Jake, asking for permission. I know I don’t need his permission, but I still want it. Out of respect for him, and for us, or what we might be.

He stares back for a few seconds before nodding his head almost imperceptibly.

“Okay,” I say softly.

James looks up at me, then at Jake. “Thanks, man. I’ll have her back in a minute. Just one dance,” he says to Jake.

He walks ahead of me towards the dance floor. I turn back once to look at Jake and he’s glaring at us, jaw clenched, eyes narrowed.

I wait for James while he walks up to the DJ and talks in his ear. When he comes back, he stands in front of me, his hands rest lightly on my hips. I look back to Jake but he’s no longer watching us.

I rest my hands on his upper arms, making it clear this is in no way intimate.

The DJ changes songs.

“Bruno Mars?” I ask him.

“It’s kind of been my anthem for the last couple months,” he says, sighing a little.

It’s ‘When I was your man’.

It makes sense.

“How’s Megan?” I ask.

He huffs out a breath.

“I’m not sure, you’re better of asking her new boyfriend, but then you’d have to travel to L.A to do that.”

I look at him, bug eyed, waiting for an explanation.

“Yeah, she met up with whoever was going to be her roommate at UNC and she bought her brother with her. I guess they hit it off, because two days later she packed up her life and followed him,” he laughs a sad laugh. “I didn’t even know until two days after she left.”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” I say, not with malice, but more with understanding.

“Not really,” he surprises me. “I was never in love with Megan.”

Its quiet for the longest time as the song plays. His anthem.

“I really am sorry, Micky, for what it’s worth. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You were my life.”

I start to interrupt but he stops me.

“No, I mean, I know I didn’t show that to you, and I’ll forever hate myself for that. But you need to know, I loved you so fucking much. I still love you. Whenever I look at my future, it was always you,” he pauses and takes a few breaths.

I’m crying silent tears. Because I know. I know what he’s talking about, I had felt it too.

“When I thought about my life…” he continues, “You were the one walking down the aisle towards me, raising our kids. I always smiled to myself when I thought about it, that it was you that was going to be there for me every night, when I got home from work, you in your study, writing your books. A few kids, a decent house. It was perfect in my mind. You were perfect. You are perfect and I threw it all away, because I’m such a fucking asshole, and I can’t take it back.” He starts sobbing now. His head on my shoulder. “I can’t fucking take it back, and I can’t have you back, and all of this… this life I have, none of this shit is worth it, not without you. And I fucked it all up… ” he trails off.

I pull his body off me.

“I should get back, they’re probably wondering where I am.”

He nods his head once, wiping his tears away with the back of his hands.

“I’ll walk you back.”

***

When we get back to our bonfire, I sit down in my chair, a little emotionally exhausted from the whole thing. Logan takes a seat next to me. James eyes him for a second, nods his head towards Logan, “Matthews,” he greets.

“Asshole,” Logan replies.

Logan turns to face me, “I got a song for you, Micky.” He presses the remote for the speaker dock and ‘Everybody Knows’ by Dustin Tavella starts playing. I chuckle to myself, because the chorus is about your boyfriend cheating and being a douchebag.

Heidi and Lucy get up to dance and James just shakes his head.

“You’re kind of a dick, Matthews,” he grunts at Logan.

Logan sits back in his chair, adjusts his legs by putting one foot on the knee of the other, links his fingers behind his head, and, like a boss, says, “And. Not. A. Single. Fuck. Was. Given.” Causing bursts of laughter throughout. I shouldn’t laugh but it is funny.

***

After a few minutes I realize Jake isn’t here. I scan the crowd for him and see him, talking to a girl, a ridiculously beautiful girl.

My jealousy kicks in and I try not to stare but I can’t help it.

They’re standing so close to each other, without actually touching.

Slowly, he raises his hand to put a stray piece of hair behind her ear, she grabs his hand and squeezes it for a second, smiling up at him.

When she lets go of it, he puts it in his pocket.

Probably to stop himself from ripping off her clothes and having his way with her.

He sure as shit isn’t having it with me.

I close my eyes and inhale deeply. The buzz from the alcohol slowly making it’s way to my brain.

“Hey, Marisa’s here!” Creeper Derek announces. Everyone’s head whips to Jake and Marisa.

Lucy and Heidi look back to me and I just shrug. Because really? What the fuck can I do?

“Fuck, she looks more hotter now than ever,” Derek says. “If that’s even fucking possible.”

The ache in my heart tightens just a little bit.

“Who’s Marisa?” I have to know.

“His girlfriend.” Derek answers.

“I wouldn’t say she’s his girlfriend. Or was…” Cam looks at me curiously.