“We started it when I was about 5 and we used to make Emily’s until she was about that age too.” Tears are running down her face and I wipe them away with my fingers. I try to breath through the lump in my throat because I don’t want her to see me crying. I don’t want her to know how much my heart is breaking right now. How much I wish that I could fix this, this pain she has to carry everywhere, every day.

“Every year on our birthdays we could open it and read the notes. It was like a years worth of surprises and memories at once. We always opened them at dinner on our birthdays and we would go through them one by one. It didn’t matter if it went for hours. We laughed and cried through every single note.” She’s quiet again as she remembers.

“It sounds like an amazing tradition,” I say, squeezing her tighter.

“It was only for Dad, Emily and I. Mom didn’t get one,” she continues.

I have to clear my throat. “Why not?”

“Because, Dad said, every day, we should treat Mom like it was her birthday. That she meant, and was, and did, so much for the family, that we should appreciate her every second of everyday. Dad made her a special box, made of plastic. And we’d write notes for it, but there was so many she got to read them once a week. A lot were from dad, just reminding her of how much he loved and appreciated her. Some were from me and Emily. We used to write stupid things, but we’d always mean them. Like, thank you for washing my baseball gear, or dance gear, or thank you for encouraging me, or helping with my homework. She was an amazing woman, and Dad was right. She did so much for us. I’m glad she got to know once a week how we felt.”

We’re both crying now, not looking at each other, looking past each other. Me, trying to imagine her life. Her, remembering it.

“We kept the old ones from previous years in the garage. The fire took them all. That son of a bitch took away so many years of love, and memories, and laughter.” She sobs now as the anger consumes her. “I fucking hate him, Jake. I hate him so much. And I don’t fucking understand why? Why he couldn’t just let them go. My parents wouldn’t have done anything if he’d just let them go. It’s not like…” She sniffs and has to take a few deep breaths, and I sit here and let her feel, because she’s never spoken like this before. She’s been sad, and hurt, but she’s never been angry. “It’s not like he turned around and they were there and he just started shooting. It was one shot each, straight to the head. He must have known what he was doing.”

She’s crying into me now. The tears soaking through my sweater and I hold her. Because it’s all I can do. Until both our tears have stopped and I pull away so I can look at her.

Big brown Bambi eyes look back at me.

“What can I do to help?” I ask her.

She sniffs once and hands me a bunch of magazines, “Go through these and cut out anything you think a 10 year old girl would like, I’m going to make some tea.”

*Mikayla*

When I bring the tea back to the table, Jake isn’t there.

“Where are you?” I yell into the rest of the house.

“Hang on, I’ll be there in a sec.”

I sit down and wait for him.

“How about this, can we stick this on?” He hands me a photo of me and our friends at my graduation. Me, in the middle and him and Logan on either side, the others around them. Jake has his arms around my waist and Logan has his around my neck. Everyone is making stupid faces, cross eyes, tongues out, rabbit ears, Cam pretending to hump Lucy. Jake and I, we’re just looking at each other, into each others eyes with huge goofy grins.

“I thought… never mind, it was a stupid idea,” he says, starting back down the hall.

I stop him by grabbing his arm. “Jake, it’s a beautiful idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I take the photo from his hands.

“Think she woulda liked us?”

I think about this for a while.

“No, Jake, she would’ve liked them. You, though, she would’ve loved you.” Just like I do.

***

*Jake*

There’s a knocking on the door.

We’re in my bed and Kayla is wrapped around me.

It’s perfect.

There’s more knocking on the door.

Kayla moans and holds on to me tighter, so I let her, and hold her back. She’s so warm.

More knocking.

Fuck. I may have said that part out loud.

I jump out of bed and pull on sweats and a hoodie, and walk out of the bedroom, leaving Kayla to sleep the morning away before we go to the cemetery.

More knocking.

“I’m coming!” shit.

It’s asshole James. At my front door.

What the fuck?

“Hey.” He’s looking behind me.

“She’s asleep, asshole. What do you want?”

He rubs his hand down the side of his face. He raises some flowers he has in his hand. “Here,” he says to me.

“Um… thanks?” I respond, taking them.

“Shit.” His hands go in his front pockets. “This is so fucking awkward.”

“No shit,” I deadpan.

He huffs out a big breath, causing his cheeks to puff out. It’s cold out and I really don’t know what the fuck he’s doing here so I start to close the door.

“Wait,” he says.

So I do.

“I know it’s Emily’s birthday today. Her dad… every year for their birthdays he’d buy them flowers. Tulips to be exact. Emily got pink, Micky got yellow and Denise got red.” He’s looking down and shaking his head.