“Well, it should be. That’s the first thing I give myself in the morning, and the last thing I take care of at night. They’re essential. Orgasms are like breathing.” I’m panicking. I know this. I’m also sharing a lot of information I probably shouldn’t—not that this whole conversation hasn’t been an epic overshare. We should be drunk so we can forget all the crap we’ve just told each other.

“Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. You’ve been slutting it up for a long time, but in real relationships that don’t involve bunnies, it’s about a lot more than the number of orgasms you can provide. Sex is awesome. Orgasms are awesome. Someone else providing those orgasms is the best thing ever, but that’s not the only thing that matters.”

The panic turns into full-blown hysteria. Okay. No, it doesn’t, but I’m kinda freaked out. In reality I already know this—it’s why Sunny and I hadn’t gotten past finger-fucking until this weekend. We talk a lot, about real stuff and not just hockey. But I put a lot of eggs in the orgasm basket, hoping it was going to take us to another level of seriousness.

“I put all this energy into making Sunny feel good this weekend. No one has ever given her what I have. That has to mean something.”

“I’m sure it does, Buck. But you also have to remember that for the past three months she’s been seeing pictures of you with hockey hookers all over social media. One weekend without media coverage doesn’t negate that. I’m sure there was more to it than a fuck-a-thon. At least I’m hoping there was. Did you act like an asshole when she left with veggie man?”

“No.” I reconsider my answer. I might have been a bit dickish with him; only because he was being that way with me. “Maybe a little. But mostly no.”

“Care to elaborate?”

I explain what happened with Kale and try not to leave out details or paint myself in a more favorable light. It’s hard. I feel like shit. Sunny still hasn’t responded to my text.

When I’m done, Vi exhales into the receiver. “You haven’t done anything wrong. He provoked you, and you responded. I’ll ask Charlene and maybe one of the girls at work for their opinions, because I’ll be honest, I think it’s hot when Alex gets all possessive over me. Remember that guy in my building, Melvin? The one who smells like dick cheese and two-year-old socks?”

Vi is notorious for going on tangents. “I remember him, yeah.” I have no idea what this has to do with me and Sunny and her being with her ex-boyfriend who she happened to date for four years, a detail she conveniently left out. It seems like a significant one. I kind of want to be mad at her.

“He used to ask me to hang out all the time. Even though he wasn’t a threat, Alex always wanted to get it on in the living room when he came to my place. I think it was so Melvin could hear my MC love professions.”

“MC?”

“Monster cock.”

“For Christ’s sake, Vi. I have to play hockey with this guy. How am I supposed to be able to look at him, let alone talk to him, when you tell me shit like this?”

“I’m making a point. And you guys walk around naked in front of each other all the time, so you know what Alex’s junk looks like. It’s homoerotic, if you think about it. Anyway, I like that Alex is on the club-over-the-head, barbaric side. It’s hot. I don’t know that Sunny feels the same way I do.”

“So you’re saying I might have fucked things up again?” I can’t win at all.

“I don’t think you fucked up. All women are different. Sunny’s not a bunny, so the whole orgasm-a-thon, while awesome, isn’t what it’s about between you and her.”

“This dating crap is hard.”

Violet laughs. “It sure is. Relationships aren’t a game. No one wants to get screwed around, except maybe people who like a lot of drama and want to end up on those terrible reality dating shows.”

“I’m not playing Sunny, but now I have to wonder if she’s playing me.”

“Because of this camping trip with the ex.” It’s not a question.

“And she left out how long they dated. When we were talking, she made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal, but obviously it is. I want to be pissed, but I don’t know if I have the right to be.”

“Honestly, if you weren’t pissed, I’d be concerned. If it was another girl I’d say she was playing mind games on you, but Sunny’s . . . well . . . Sunny. It’s hard to know what her motivation for leaving that out is unless you talk to her.”

“I guarantee most of this is Lily and probably Waters.”

Vi sighs. “Maybe, but Sunny’s her own person. She can make her own choices. She has to know you’ll find out eventually, which could be the point. You need to consider that you’ve spent your entire dating life playing girls, so Sunny’s going to be wary.”

“I never played anyone.”

“Maybe you didn’t string the bunnies along with false promises, but you’ve perfected the art of smooth talking. You can say almost anything to a girl, and she’s going to drop her pants for you, which is honestly amazing. Your body hair is like its own ecosystem. It’s a wonder you’ve never lost anyone in there.”

“I don’t get your obsession with my body hair.”

“I don’t get why we have body hair in the first place. On our heads I can understand, but the rest of it seems so unnecessary.”