And the blonde from the bookstore—if she is a flavor of the week, she has stretched her flavor into months. Some may call it stalking, some might call it love, but I have continued to watch them from afar. I see her leave his building, her long legs in cutoff shorts and flip flops, her friendly smile to the valet one of familiarity as she catches the keys and slips into her expensive convertible. I’ve followed her onto the freeway, the woman driving recklessly, quickly losing me in traffic as I attempted to use a blinker, maintain a safe speed, and not nose dive beneath the tread of an eighteen-wheeler. She was gone, the white car whipping into the glare of the California sun, headed east, my sleuthing attempt a disaster. Except for her tag number. I wrote it down, with no clear idea of what to do with it.

Maybe he is happy. I hope he is. I called him this afternoon. But again, as it has been for three years, he did not answer.

LUNADA BAY, RANCHO PALOS VERDES

CRUSHER: Someone who surfs hard,

as if they have nothing to lose

and no fear inside.

MADISON

Lunada Bay is Paul’s favorite place to surf, the waves so high they take your breath away. It is also one of the most contested spots to stick your board in at. It’s located in Rancho Palos Verdes, which is pretty much where all rich white people money goes to die. Colossal mansions sit oceanfront, with manicured lawns and Mercedes that stare out onto waves that kill at least one surfer a year. The local surfers are territorial, running off tourists with sharp voices often backed up by fists, keeping the waves uncluttered and the beach sunbather free. In the ‘90s, a local television crew was attacked, broken bottles and fists causing blood and bruised egos to scamper back up the slippery slope to the road, their broadcasts interrupted by a trip to the ER. But they allow Paul. They are in awe of him, as am I—his effortless conquer of the waves, his ability, no matter how rough or dangerous a spill, to resurface in the froth. But he wasn’t always allowed. I have seen his scar. A long, thick knot of tissue where some spoiled rich kook slashed his side in an attempt to protect this jewel-encrusted strip of beach. Paul returned the next day, and battled waves while bleeding through thirty-four stitches. After that, they accepted him as their own, and, when I came into his life, welcomed me with sunburnt smiles.

Today the waves are almost twelve feet. Surfers measure from the back, so a twelve foot wave is actually, from the shore, twenty-four feet in height, a huge wall of dark water, rising like a beast before curling and crashing onto whatever surfer is foolish or unlucky enough to be in its’ grasp. I look for Paul, look for his red board, not seeing his head bobbing among the riders. My arms tighten, my eyes scanning slowly, then quickly, my mind trying to recount the last time I saw him.

Then I see his board, a quick rush of relief replaced by nerves. He is out farther, a few hundred yards behind the main peak, at a spot called Truck Drivers. My heart sinks, a heavy weight of doom pulling it down, dragging it to the bottom until it sits somewhere in my stomach, heavy as lead, my breaths coming short and fast.

“Whoa, Paul’s taking Truck Drivers?”

I don’t turn at the voice, knowing its source. Rayne. A dreadlocked Barbie who rarely lifted her head off her boyfriend’s c**k or the bong he placed before her. “Yeah.”

“He is crazy, girl.”

He is crazy. Truck Drivers is a take-off spot for waves, named by some tourist that had probably died shortly after naming it. It’s for daredevils, or anyone stupid enough to want to risk their life for a wave. And the wave that was coming? It was beautiful. Terrifyingly so.

“Uh-oh.” Rayne says softly. I don’t know whether to slap her or bury my face in her massive chest and avoid the entire thing.

But I can’t move. I’m glued to the scene, glued to his form, as he leans forward, lying flat and low on the board, and begins paddling, the wave growing larger and more deadly as it grows.

The ocean is a beast. A beast that doesn’t care if it chews you up or swallows you whole. A beast you cannot beat, you can only dance with it until the time comes when it kills you. It will never lose, and with moves like this, Paul is living on borrowed time. I watch him paddle and wonder if this is the moment when he will die.

The wall of water stands, straight up, sunlight glinting off it in a way that hurts my eyes. I stand, my eyes locked on the one small break in its awesome silhouette, the dip that is my heart, the man I love standing to his feet and disappearing into its churn as it breaks, bending down on itself, Paul’s body gone, nothing but white energy before me.

He is right now in one of two places. In the channel, hidden by the wave of water, or he’s fallen, crushed underwater by the wave.

A breaking wave can push a surfer down twenty to fifty feet, sending them into a washing-machine style spin that tumbles and breaks them apart. When they finally stop spinning, when their chest is breaking apart and fighting against the urge to inhale, they have to regain equilibrium and figure out which way is up. Some surfers swim the wrong way, traveling ten feet before their bursting lungs and their sense of direction alerts them to the deadly mistake. Lack of air is not the only danger. Water pressure at that depth will rupture an eardrum as easily as crushing a fly. Even worse is not having any depth. If the ocean floor, or a reef is present, the wave will grind you against it like a mortar to a stone. Paul needs to get to the surface before the next wave hits. The next wave will be a new downward force, a second round in the spin cycle. A second round that compounds the danger, one that his lungs will probably not survive.

Red. Breaking. Far left, shooting out of the front of the curl, Paul’s board dipping down and ahead of the break, swinging up, and then down again, his body stepping forward on the nose, arms loose and confident, his movement graceful and relaxed.

I gasp. For him, it was nothing. For me, I just died a small death. I blink back tears and sink to the sand.

“Chocka,” Rayne drawls, brushing off her arms and stepping away.

HOLLYWOOD, CA

Paul left this afternoon, headed to San Diego, where a tropical storm has created a current he wants to chase. He kissed me quickly, throwing some clothes in a bag and promising to be back tomorrow afternoon, unless the weather changes. I am used to it, his excitement over perfect conditions, the unending quest for the perfect wave. A conquer that no one will see, a personal victory only for himself. I watch him leave before dialing Stewart. He doesn’t answer, and my texts go unanswered. I mill around the house for a bit, then grab my keys and head into town.

I valet my car and take the elevator up, inserting my key and pressing the button for his suite. Chances are, at eight PM, he’ll still be at work. But I can wait, change into comfortable clothes and grab something from the fridge.

Entering the suite, I hear his voice, move down the hall to his office, and step in.

He is on the phone, his face tired, small lines outlining his handsome features. He looks up, surprised, a smile stretching over his face and he turns in his chair, away from his desk, tapping his thigh, and pulls me into his chest when I sit. I stay there for a while, his hand on my back, rubbing as he listens, stopping when he speaks, his other hand scribbling figures on a pad of paper. I can hear the voice in his ear, the phone stuck in the crook of his shoulder, a fast-paced dialogue about product placement, market awareness, and sales trends.

I bore quickly, sliding off his lap, into the opening between his legs, my hand running over his belt, my eyes moving up to catch his. He watches me wordlessly, his eyes urging me to continue, the push of bone under my wrist letting me know that he is ready.

He is always ready. His c**k seems engineered to spring into action at a moment’s notice. It is one of the things I love about him. I unbuckle his pants and stand, pulling my sundress over my head slowly, letting him see every inch of what he will soon get.

STEWART

She is beautiful. I knew that from the moment I first saw her, through snow flurries, a grin on her face like she captured the world and just threw it back. But I didn’t know how beautiful she was until I knew her. Until I saw into her soul and became lost in her goodness. The final step of my capture came when she lost her clothes. Bared her body, that body that I see in my dreams, jack off to in the morning, and worship in her presence. And now, with her pulling every inch of that yellow sundress up and off of her curves... I am lost. I am lost and she has found me. I hang up the phone mid-sentence and unplug the cord from its back.

I roll my chair forward, running my hands along the back of legs, traveling up the curves of her ass, gripping the skin there as I lean forward and kiss her skin, tasting the hint of salt that tells me she has been in the ocean. I slide my fingers under the cloth of her underwear, simple pink boyshorts that I tug down, over the tan curves of her hips, faint strips of paleness showing me her tan lines. Then it hits the floor, and she is bare before me. I start to stand, but she pushes me down, pins me to the chair as she kneels back down, a playful smile on her face, a gleam of fire in her eyes. I love her eyes. Love how I can instantly tell if she is mad, excited, or in love. Whatever the emotion, whatever her temperature that day, there is always sex in those eyes. It floats off her skin, gleams in her eyes, and is in every move of her delicious body. This woman cannot exist without sex. It is her food, her body-sustaining air. I discovered that early, knew it from the moment of our second date. She cannot contain it, does not even try. She embraces it, owns it, loves it. She does not f**k out of insecurity or to get something or someone. She f**ks because she loves it, and loves through it. It is her gift to the world and I am lucky enough to be a part of that world.

She feels the strength of my arousal, her smile brilliant in my dim office. Then she unzips me, and I am in her mouth.

Fuck. I will never be able to accurately describe her mouth. It is like a throbbing pulse of wet, hot moisture, seconded only by her body. It knows how hard to suck, how deep to go, how fast or slow to take my cock, and when to give it a moment to regroup. Her eyes flicker to mine, heat in their gaze, and I want nothing more than to pull her to her feet and bend her over my desk. I place my hand at the back of her head, watching in drugged awe as my length slides deeper into her mouth, her pink lips tight around me, the playful gleam in her eyes making my c**k harden even further.

I pull back on her hair, trying to lift her up, but she shakes her head, burying me greater, her eyes closing as she gags on my cock. She grips me tightly with her hand, sliding it up and down my shaft, squeezing it, and I feel every bit of stress in my body leave, as if she is milking it out of me. I sigh, leaning back in my chair, content to let her work.

She is beautiful when she sucks a cock. Her cheeks hollowing, the curve of her mouth when she pulls off, the mischievousness in her eyes that telegraphs how much she truly enjoys the act.

I groan, feeling the pressure of buildup. Feeling the push, I’m throbbing in her mouth, close to cl**ax, the three days without her taking their toll on my self-control.

“Fuck baby.” I lean forward, cupping the back of her neck, watching intently the movement in and out of her mouth. “Here I come.”

She takes me fully, her mouth massaging and squeezing the length of me, my head deep in her throat when I come. Wave after wave of release, my hand unintentionally tightening on her neck, my pleasure audible in the groans that I can’t contain.

She swallows it all, her face, when she finally pulls off of me, clean, a smile stretching across it. I collapse back in my seat, tugging softly on her skin, pulling her into my arms, her body curling onto my lap. “Thank you baby. I needed that.” I rest my head on hers. “I’m surprised you’re here. Thought I wouldn’t see you ‘til this weekend.”

“He had to run down to San Diego. I thought I’d stop by, give you some lovin’, stay the night. Maybe kidnap you into a breakfast date.”

I frown against her hair. “Can’t do breakfast. I have a six AM call with Helsinki.”

She tilts her head up, brushes her lips across the rough shadow on my neck. “Then how about I cook you breakfast at five?”

I wrap my arms around her, including her arms and legs in the grip. “That would be perfect. Need me to take care of you?”

She bites my neck lightly. “No baby. Get back to your work. I’ll wake you at five.” She pushes at my arms, breaking free of my grip and standing, her na**d skin glowing in the light from the lamp. I pull at her arm, bringing her closer, getting one last taste of her mouth, before plugging my phone back in and returning to the documents on my desk. As she leaves, tugging the door shut behind her, the phone rings.

ACID DROP: When you take off on a wave

and suddenly have the bottom fall out

as you free fall down the face.

DANA

It is Wednesday night; I am in PJs and socks, a face mask beginning to dry on my face, in front of the television, popcorn in the microwave. Cross-legged, my back against the edge of my way-too-expensive-but-I-love-it couch, I am flipping through channels, and trying to resist touching my face, to stick my curious fingers into the wet mask, which has not fully hardened.

Soap opera. Flip.

Infomercial. Flip.

Football. Flip.

Surfing.

I wait, my remote extended, waiting to see what the show is about, which hotspot or event is being covered. And then I see him, trudging through sand, a board tucked under his arm, that one-in-a-million smile lighting his tan face. My breath catches as I see pure, effortless happiness, no sign of the haunted Paul I remember. Then, there is a blur of blonde, a streak before the camera, a bundle of bikini and cover-up throwing herself into his arms, gripping his neck and placing a kiss on his cheek. A girl. Maybe she is the reason for his happiness, for the light that shines from his eyes. Or maybe she is a groupie, one of the hundreds of beach Barbies that follow the surfing circuit. I listen to the announcer, to his recount of Paul, of his awards and standings, watching as he swings the girl in a tight circle before setting her down. Pulls her into a full kiss before she bashfully pushes him off. She turns, and I see her face.