Through the windshield, I peer up to the third floor of the apartment at Emery’s bedroom window. I should just break down and tell her what’s really going on. Emery dislikes her father, so maybe she’d help me bring him and the man he works for down. But what if she didn’t? Even though I know her, I don’t know her, know her. Not enough to trust her with my life, anyway.

Me: I’m still working on her. In fact, I’m going to work on her now. Talk to you later.

Stale: Ryler, we’re running out of time. Things are getting dangerous. I know you’re a good guy, but it’s time to make a choice. Emery’s got to be the key to getting the location of the warehouse. I know she has to have an idea of where that warehouse is—I can feel it in my bones. Get her to trust you and open up to you. Make this happen. We no longer have Brooks anymore so this is all on you.

I blow out a stressed breath as I reread through his words. Using Emery strikes me deep inside my soul. The girl is already broken enough, especially after she thinks I betrayed her and told her father. Now I’m just supposed to what? Crack her even more? I’ve been fighting against sinking to that low, and I want to continue fighting. But a tiny part of me wants to stop fighting and do whatever I have to do to get out of this double life.

Me: Did you ever maybe consider just asking for Emery’s help? She doesn’t seem to like her father. She might be willing to give up the location without us tricking her into it.

Stale: Emery could easily be as dangerous as anyone else in Donny’s circle. You can’t trust her like that.

He’s right---I know that—but a voice fills the back of my head. The night of the concert it felt like I could trust her. That night felt… real. She felt… real. It felt like she opened up to me.

Me: Fine. I’ll keep you updated.

I shove the phone into my boot and climb out of the car. Instead of going straight up to Emery’s place, I make a quick stop at my apartment.

“You look tired,” Luke notes the moment I enter the apartment.

He’s lounging on the couch with an untouched bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and “Chloroform Perfume” by From Autumn to Ashes is playing from the stereo. Violet is tangled up in his arms, both their clothes are ruffled, and their hair is sticking up in all kinds of directions.

“Sorry,” I sign an apology. Clearly, I just interrupted a moment between the two of them.

“No worries,” Luke replies as Violet sits up, readjusting her shirt.

She combs her fingers through her red and black hair. “We were just…” She looks to Luke who shrugs.

“We were getting ready to fuck,” he tells me.

Violet swats his arm, laughing.

“TMI,” I sign to Luke, tearing myself away from my thoughts. I cross the living room, heading for my bedroom. “I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”

“You’re fine,” Violet assures me as she settles onto the couch. “We should be in the bedroom, anyway.”

“I still have to leave soon,” I sign as I walk backwards. “I’m headed up to Emery’s, anyway.”

“Everything okay?” Luke calls out before I step down the hallway. “You look upset.”

I give him an a-okay sign without turning around then slip into my bedroom. I immediately shed my clothes and put on a pair of clean jeans and a shirt. Lately, I’ve felt so disgusting whenever I come back from my night job. I’ve been changing and taking showers in an attempt to cleanse myself. It never works, though, and I always feel dirty and wrong. I doubt I’ll ever feel clean again until I get out of this world and get a fresh start. I just hope I live long enough to do so.

Chapter 9

Mad¸ Mad World

Emery

My mother used to whisper of drinking the poison.

She never stated what the poison was,

only that she craved the taste of it on her tongue.

Poison that burns the veins, she’d say.

Poison that corrupts the soul.

Poison.

Veins.

Corrupt.

Soul.

I often wonder just how corrupted her scorching soul and veins are.

Enough to drive her crazy.

Just the right dose, and she’ll go

mad.

But that’s okay.

This world is already filled with madness, anyway.

My brother Ellis, while I loved him, was part of this madness, too.

He’d drink the poison like it was water,

clear liquid he needed to purify his blood.

This is what he truly believed.

That poison would save him from the madness,

the darkness of the world.

But I’m starting to wonder if it didn’t.

Starting to wonder if maybe it darkened him more.

If he became like my mother,

filled with venom that tainted his blood.

That like my mother, he’s rotting inside.

Rotting away.

Never to be saved.

Never to be seen again.

Ellis,

where are you?

I feel like the answer is buried

deep in the unbalance part of my mind.

Once forgotten, but now surfacing

as the poison leaves my mind.

I feel like I see you because I know the truth.

Feel like maybe you’re the truth trying to get set free.

But how do I find the truth,

when it’s hidden inside me?

“Emery.”

My head whips up from my notebook, and I drop my pen on the bed. I relax when I see it’s just Ellis hovering in the doorway. Well, relax as much as I can when I’m staring at what could possibly be a hallucination.