Oh shit. “Oh God, help us!” I screamed. DJ’s door opened. His eyes settled on the fire first; I saw panic flash across his face. “Baby, it’s okay. Just stay right there, I’m coming!” I instructed. “Grab a T-shirt or something and cover your mouth with it.”

I inched my feet to the right, planning to go around the burning rubble.

“Momma!” DJ screamed, holding out his arms for me.

Hysteria was building up inside me. I was literally terrified. DJ was the only thing that mattered to me. From the first time I felt him move in my stomach I knew that his life was the most important thing in the world. Now that most important thing in the world was standing about eight feet from me, crying his heart out, and a pile of burning wood and plaster separated us. I had never been more scared in my life.

“Shh, get something to cover your mouth, Baby. Don’t breathe the smoke,” I ordered, putting my hand over my mouth, trying to filter the air I was breathing too. The room was getting hotter. I could feel my skin starting to scorch as I forced myself closer to the fire so I could get past and get to my crying baby. It seemed to take forever to work my way from my room, around the fire, and into the hallway so I was closer to DJ’s bedroom. Time was standing still as I felt my way along the wall, coughing, trying to avoid the flames that were rising higher and higher. It was spreading rapidly. The floorboards creaked under my feet as I stumbled along.

There was a gap about ten feet in front of me. The flames were lower there, I would be able to jump them, pick up DJ and then jump back to the other side. DJ’s bedroom was at the end of the apartment. All I would have to do was jump over, grab him and then we could get the hell out. I smiled at DJ, pretending that everything was fine, when, in reality, I could barely move because my legs were shaking with fear.

“It’s okay, Baby. Momma’s coming. Just stay there for me,” I shouted, taking another tentative step forwards again. Looking up, I could see the enormous holes in the ceiling where the upper floor had fallen through to mine. The soles of my bare feet were burning, but I couldn’t feel the pain; it was like I was numb. All I could focus on was the sound of DJ’s sobs; everything else was secondary to that.

When I was about four foot from the gap that I was planning on jumping, the burning bookcase that was next to DJ’s door, cracked loudly, then crumbled in on itself, falling over. DJ jumped back into his room as the bookcase fell across the gap, blocking my only path to him. Coughs racked my body as the black smoke burnt my lungs. Burning ashes floated up into my face where the bookcase fell into the fire, stirring it up. I batted them away quickly when they started to sting my skin.

We were going to die; I could feel it deep inside. People were screaming within the building, sirens wailed outside, the buildings alarms were ringing loudly in the hallways.

I looked around desperately for a way to get to DJ. There had to be some other way. That couldn’t be it. He was trapped on the other side of the pile to me. The room was so bright that I had to squint as I looked at him helplessly. He was standing in the middle of his room, hugging his Woody doll. He had a T-shirt pressed against his mouth and nose as he cried hysterically. I could hear the muffled sound of him calling me. My heart broke at the sight of it. It was useless. There was no way I could get to him without going through the fire.

Making up my mind about what needed to be done, I took a couple of breaths and prepared myself to just run through the flames to him. I knew I would get burnt, but I just didn’t care. I had to get to him. Just as I was preparing myself to run, the front door burst open behind me, and two firemen ran in.

Relief made me whimper. Oh, thank you, God!

“Ma’am, you need to get outside. The stairs are clear, come with us,” one of them said quickly, grabbing my arm and pulling me backwards, away from the flames.

I shook my head and pointed across the room, still coughing on the smoke.

“My son. Please? Please get him! Please?” I choked out, breaking down into sobs.

“We’ll get him, ma’am,” the other fireman assured me, nodding. He stepped forward, looking around as the other one pulled me back a little more. I shook my head and dug my feet into the floor as I realised he was trying to get me out of the front door. I wasn’t leaving without DJ in my arms.

I watched in horror as the fireman stepped forward towards the flames. I could hear him shouting to DJ to get down onto the floor to avoid the smoke. I could barely see through my tears. I watched, horrified, as the fireman tried again and again to get through to DJ, but each time he was beaten back by the flames.

“Ted, we need to get out, the building’s unstable!” the fireman holding my arms shouted.

My lip trembled, shaking my head in horror as the guy ignored his teammate, trying again to get through the flames to my trapped son. When he stumbled and fell against the burning wall, he jumped back, and I saw his shoulders slump as he turned to look at me. Even through the thick mask he was wearing, I could see the sadness and sorrow his eyes. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces as I understood his apologetic expression. He was silently telling me he couldn’t rescue my baby.

“NO! DJ!” I screamed, trying to wrench my arm out of the other guy’s grasp. There was no way I was leaving my child in there, fire or not, I was getting to him.

“Momma!” DJ wailed. Through the haze and the smoke, his red rimmed eyes met mine, and I knew I would never get that look of sheer and utter horror out of my brain. I moved to run towards him, not caring that the flames were everywhere in the room, that even the walls were on fire. I just needed my baby safe.

I made it only three steps before I was literally body slammed to the ground. I screamed in frustration and thrashed, trying to get up.

“Get off me, I can get him! Let go!” I screamed, kicking and punching at the firefighter that held me.

He shook his head. “Ma’am, we need to get out. The building isn’t safe, the floor could give at any second,” he said, looking at me desperately as he pinned my arms at my waist, crushing my body in a kind of bear hug.

I couldn’t breathe; my whole body was going into a state of panic. “Then you get out! Let go of me and I’ll get him!” I shouted, begging him with my eyes. The emotional pain was unbearable as I flicked my eyes to DJ again. He was sitting on the floor of his room as the flames engulfed our home. Behind me, people were running in the hallway, a piercing scream sounded as someone ran past with their arm on fire, waving it franticly as it burnt them alive. The firemen exchanged a look and the one that had tried so hard to save DJ, ran into the hallway after them, shouting for them to drop and roll.

“Please, save him!” I begged, my voice barely above a whisper as the pain of the situation took over. I was dying inside. I couldn’t stand it. It was like I was slowly being suffocated; my body was going into shutdown mode. I couldn’t cope with losing my baby; I would rather die than be without him. No mother should have to go through that.

“I can’t get to him, ma’am. We need to get out, now!” he rasped. “Maybe we can get the fire under control; once the other team get here we’ll have more manpower and hoses.” His voice wasn’t hopeful; I knew he was trying to placate me. It was hopeless, he just didn’t want to say the words. His arms tightened on me and then I was moving out of the door. He was dragging me, literally kicking and screaming as I fought to get free so I could go and be with my baby. I wasn’t leaving him there alone. If I could just get to him, even if I couldn’t get back, I just needed to get to him. DJ screaming “Momma” over and over was all I could concentrate on as my struggles failed. The guy was too strong for me, it was no use.

The noise was getting louder as he dragged me to the top of the stairs. People were panicking, firemen were shouting orders to each other, I could hear the blast of water in all directions. I felt numb. My legs gave out on me. I couldn’t stop screaming DJ’s name as reality of what was happening washed over me. My baby was going to burn to death, trapped in his room, alone, and I was going to have to live with that knowledge. I didn’t think I could. All I wanted was to be with him.

Cool, fresh air hit my lungs, but I couldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that my baby was trapped. People were running around the street, panicking, shouting for loved ones, crying. Fire engine lights were flashing in the dark of the night, casting eerie shadows everywhere. The guy passed me to a paramedic when I was a safe distance away.

I looked back at the building in horror, watching as flames licked at the roof and glass fell from some of the windows as the heat became too much for it to stay intact. All of the rooms were brightly lit; you could see the shadows dancing inside as the flames consumed everyone’s lives that they’d built inside. I couldn’t speak. I could hear the paramedic talking to me as he pinned me against the ambulance. He was telling me that he needed to treat me, that I needed to calm down and stop screaming so I could breathe. But I couldn’t calm down; I’d never be able to calm down. This horror was my life now, and I didn’t want it. I couldn’t live like this. This life was a waking nightmare, and I couldn’t cope with it.

There was pressure on my shoulders; I could feel myself being shaken. I closed my eyes as my head rolled lifelessly on neck. All I could think about was DJ, my baby, my adorable little angel.

“ROSE!”

DJ was dead. My life was over. Part of me had died.

“ROSE!”

I tried to focus on the pressure that was squeezing my shoulders as I looked at the person standing in front of me.

My knees gave out when my eyes met Nate’s. His hold on me tightened as he pulled me into a hug.

“One of my friends is a fire-fighter; he called me and said your building was on fire. Oh God, I’m so glad you’re okay. Shit, I was so scared. So, so scared,” he mumbled against the side of my head as he hugged me way too tight. His body was shaking against mine; unless maybe that was my body, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel. The pain was everywhere and all I wanted to be dead so I didn’t feel it any more. “Rose, where’s DJ?”

I squeezed my eyes shut at the mention of his name as I burst into hysterical sobs again.

“Rose? Where… where is he?” Nate repeated. His voice shook and sounded so desperate that it was almost as if it belonged to someone else. I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t even think the words.

“He’s not…” he trailed off, his fingers biting into my upper arms, his nails probably cutting into my skin but that was nothing compared to the emotional agony I was drowning in right now.

“Her son, where is her son?” Nate shouted, pulling me to his chest. I could hear his heart crashing loudly as he practically dragged me forward a step closer to the paramedic. “She has a four-year-old son. Where is he?” His voice rang with authority as he spoke.

“They said they couldn’t get him.”

The words sounded so far away. It was like I was fading off, like I was listening to everything from underwater. I clung to Nate, squeezing my arms around him tightly as if he could somehow save me from this pain that was slowly ripping my heart out.

“Fuck!” Nate cried. I was jostled; his body left mine as his hands cupped my face. His expression was pure agony as his blue eyes locked on mine. “Where is he? Which room?” he asked, his jaw tightening.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My chin trembled as the tears just continued to fall.

“Was he in his bedroom, Rose?” Nate repeated, shaking me again like a ragdoll. I nodded quickly, my mind picturing DJ hugging his Woody doll, screaming my name. I’d left him. I’d left him there on his own. I hated myself. I hated the firemen. I hated the building for being on fire. I just hated everything. Nate kissed my forehead quickly before pulling back and taking off his hoodie that he was wearing. “I’ll get him,” he stated before he turned and ran off.

I’ll get him.

I couldn’t understand the words that he’d said. How? How could he get him? He couldn’t. He was gone. My dazed eyes followed Nate as he ran towards one of the firemen at the front line. He seemed to run in front of the spray of the hose, the pressure of it almost knocking him off his feet. I gulped; my tired and frazzled brain just couldn’t work it out as he thrust his hoodie into the jet of water too. The firemen were shouting at him to get out of the way, that he was stopping them from doing their jobs. Nate was literally dripping with water as he put his hoodie back on, pulling the hood up over his head, the material stuck to his body.

“Nate?” I whispered, not understanding what was happening. Someone tackled him to the ground, but he threw them off him easily and jumped to his feet.

He didn’t look back at me as he ran into the burning building.

My mouth dropped open as I figured it all out. The pain somehow doubled as I watched him disappear into the flames. The firemen started shouting, screaming to keep the stairs clear, they were shouting him to come back out that it wasn’t safe, that the roof was going to collapse any second.

I dropped to my knees and sobbed harder as I realised that I was going to lose Nate too. He was going to die as well. I had now lost the two most important things to me. Nate was going to die in vain, he wouldn’t be able to save DJ and he was going to be trapped in there too. My heart broke all over again at the thought of being without him too. They always said that you didn’t know what you had until it was gone, well, that saying couldn’t have been more accurate than in that second.

I loved Nate. I knew I loved him because he was killing me right now, and now it was too late. I would never be able to say those words to him.