“Ralf and I started fighting and the whole time my mom just sat there, watching with her glassy eyes, like she wasn’t even f**king aware of what was going on,” he ranted. “Sophie got in the way, she was trying to stop us fighting I think. He…. he grabbed her and he slammed her head against the wall.” His voice broke as he spoke. His fingers dug into my forearm unconsciously as he squeezed his eyes shut. “I can still see it, Ellie. When I close my eyes I can see it clear as day. I can still hear the crack that her skull made as he smashed against the plaster. I can still picture the smear that the blood made on the wall as she crumpled to the floor.”

I whimpered as I wrapped my arms around his neck, probably squeezing too tight to be comforting, as I tried to save him from the memory of it. I prayed with every bone in my body that I could erase it, that I could somehow make it better or take it away. But there was nothing I could do.

“I shoved him off me and he crashed into the sideboard and was drunkenly trying to get himself up from the floor. I ran to Sophie, screaming at my mom to call for help, but she just sat there. She just f**king sat there, Ellie!” he cried, wrapping his arm around me tightly. “I tried to help her but it was no good. There was blood everywhere, the smell of it made me gag. Sophie was so still, so still….”

I gulped, desperately trying not to picture it because I was trying to be strong but my mind was wandering there, grieving for the little girl I’d never met, the little girl in the yellow dress from the photo. I pictured a young Jamie, holding her in his arms, screaming at his spaced out, drugged up mother for help that never came.

“When she stopped breathing, I just lost it. I totally lost it. My reason for living was gone, and it was all his fault. I…. I killed him with my bare hands but I just couldn’t stop. I have no idea how long I was hitting him for, but apparently one of the neighbours heard screaming and shouting and called the police. They busted the door down and dragged me off. I was arrested for murder but I didn’t care. All I could think about was that there was no point to my life anymore, the entire reason for me being alive was to be a big brother and he took that away from me.” His voice was breaking through emotion as he buried his face into the side of my neck, his body trembling against mine.

I tightened my arms when I felt his warm tears wetting my shoulder. I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I stroked his back soothingly while he cried on my shoulder. I don’t think he’d ever had a proper release before and it was pouring out of him now. My chest was tight with unshed tears and grief, my stomach churning and twisting because the love of my life was in pieces in my arms and I had no idea how to help him or even if I could.

Chapter 24

“It’s okay, everything’s okay,” I whispered, stroking the back of his head. He’d been crying for a couple of minutes, finally letting the grief and guilt out of his system. He’d been carrying it around for so long, I had a feeling that he’d never really dealt with it properly before. He was so young to cope with something like that, and he had no one to help him before - but he did now. He had me and he always would.

He’d stilled now, his body no longer shaking but he was still clinging to me as if he was frightened to let go. “It was my fault. She was killed because of me,” he mumbled, holding me tighter.

“No!” I said fiercely, pulling back so that I could look at him. “No, Jamie. It wasn’t your fault; none of it was your fault.”

He nodded, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “Yeah, if I hadn’t spent too long at the warehouse drooling over that f**king car, if I had just told a teacher or someone what was happening, or maybe if we’d left earlier instead of me stupidly deciding to wait until I was sixteen.

She would have been here now. She didn’t deserve that, Ellie, she didn’t deserve to die,” he said softly, looking at his hands in his lap, a heartbroken expression on his face.

“Jamie, you’re not to blame. She was lucky to have a brother like you who looked out for her all the time. You can’t blame yourself for something that someone else did, it wasn’t your fault,” I countered, shaking my head as I stroked the side of his face, wiping one of the tears away. That was the thing that affected me the most, that he was always so strong but right now he looked so broken that it actually hurt to look at him.

“My mom blames me,” he whispered.

If I didn’t hate her before, I certainly hated her in that moment. What the hell kind of person wrongly blames a child for the death of their sister like that? It was sick! “Why?” I asked disbelievingly.

He licked his lips and gulped. “She said that I started the fight, that Sophie got in the middle of something that I started and that’s why she got killed.”

My teeth ground together and I fought the urge to go and find this woman that I’d never met, and smack her in her sorry face for putting Jamie through that guilt. “Jamie, she sat there and let him hurt her, yet blames you for killing her? She’s the one that did wrong! She’s the one that didn’t protect either of her children from a sicko! She’s the one that deserved to go to jail, not you!” I ranted angrily.

Jamie smiled weakly. “She didn’t kill anyone though, I did.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Anger was still surging through my system making my hands shake as my jaw started to ache where I was clenching my teeth together so tightly. “You went to jail for killing Ralf?” I clarified. Jamie nodded. “But why though? If he killed your sister then surely it was self-defence,” I countered, confused.