Chapter 7 - Jacob

I was beginning to lose my mind. I was stretched out on my bed as I bounced a tennis ball off the wall.

My stomach growled, but I refused to leave my room until he left. I didn’t need another lecture about how I was an embarrassment. Smoking a little weed wasn’t that big of a deal. All he had to do was flash his stupid tin badge, and all of my problems disappeared. It made me hate him even more. Just sweep everything under the rug, and no one bats an eye. I threw the ball with a little more force, and it bounced off to the other side of my room, hitting my dresser before rolling under my bed. I couldn’t wait to get out of this f**king hellhole.

“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath as I groaned and sat up, my hands gripping the edge of the mattress. I looked over at the full-length mirror across the room. My skin was pale from barely leaving the house for the last few months. Without my shirt I was still muscular and lean, but I no longer looked as healthy. Dark circles marred the underside of my bloodshot eyes. I pulled down my maroon starter cap low on my head to hide them.

I glanced past my own reflection to the corner of the window that was visible behind me. I could see the trees off in the distance. I shook my head and ran the heels of my hands over my face.

“Smokey the bear,” I chuckled to myself as I dug into my jean pocket and pulled out a bowl that was already packed full of weed. I pushed from the bed and crossed my room quietly, listening for signs of movement. The house was silent. I slipped on my sneakers but didn’t bother with a shirt. It had been humid for days, and I could use a little bit of sun. I shoved the bowl back in my pocket, feeling around for my lighter and cigarettes before heading down the steps and out onto the back porch. I stretched my arms over my head, gripping the porch roof with my fingertips.

I twisted to my left at the sound of a female voice and grinned as I caught Natalie stepping off her porch, her cell phone to her ear.

“Nat,” I called over to her. My voice was deep, and the sound carried. She stopped, startled, but shook her head as she said something into her phone. I couldn’t help but grin. She had a crush on me but pretended she hated me. That is until we were alone. Then she couldn’t keep her hands off me.

“What do you want, J?” she asked as she walked closer, her arms folded over her chest and her face screwed up in anger.

“Where you flying around to now, little Nat?” I pulled the cigarettes from my pocket, knocking the pack against the heel of my hand to knock one loose. I stuck it between my lips and squinted into the sun as I dug for my lighter.

“Stop calling me that. If I bug you so much, why did you call me over?” She tossed her long brown hair over her shoulder as she glared up at me from the steps below.

I took a deep drag as I stuck the lighter back in my pocket, slowly breathing out a cloud of smoke toward her. She waved it away dramatically as she coughed. While she was distracted, I took the time to look over her long tan legs.

“I didn’t, sweetheart.” I flicked my ashes and adjusted my hat.

“Whatever. You’re dumb.” She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight from foot to foot like she was going to walk away. I knew she was waiting for me to stop her or apologize, but I loved frustrating her. She looked so damn cute with her cheeks flushed pink and her nose wrinkled up in disgust.

My stomach rumbled, and I ran my hand over it, wondering what Dad had inside to eat. I watched Nat’s eyes follow my fingers as I moved lower, stopping at the waistband of my boxers. I paused my hand, watching her. After a moment she realized she was staring, and her eyes snapped up to mine, wide with embarrassment. I couldn’t help but laugh at the look on her face when she realized she had been caught.

“Why don’t you put some clothes on?” Her head tilted to the side as she pushed her hip out. I loved how thick her country accent grew the madder she became. Nat had only lived next door for a few weeks. After her dad was laid off from some factory back in Arkansas, her whole family had moved in with her aunt, making my less-than-legal habits harder to conceal.

“Who would you drool over if I did that?” I winked at her as I pulled another drag from my smoke.

“You going to the Blakely party on Wednesday?”

“What party?”

She shrugged. “Annabel Blakely’s birthday. It’s going to be huge. I might stop in. You should come with me.”

“You want to hang out with those pretentious ass**les?”

“Her brother is hot,” she said with a smirk, and I rolled my eyes. Nat thought everyone was f**king hot. “You shouldn’t smoke.”

“Why is that?” I cleared my throat as I gazed over her head to the wheat field, trying to imagine what Annie was doing right now and why I was the last person to know about her party. It had been three days since I’d seen her, and I was getting worried. We never went more than a day or two without seeing each other. Maybe we weren’t as close as I thought.

“It will kill you.” Her voice cut off my thoughts, and I clenched my jaw to fight off an ignorant retort. Nat’s grandpa had died from lung cancer a few months back. Not even I was cruel enough to open that old wound. I flicked the cigarette by her onto the old dirt road that was now covered with fresh gravel.

“Well this has been fun…and slightly depressing. I gotta run.” I walked down the steps, intentionally bumping my shoulder against hers as I passed.

“Where are you going?” she called after me as I stepped into the field. I didn’t bother turning around as I put a hand in the air to wave.

“Hunting a bear.” I smiled to myself as I pictured her rolling her eyes and shaking her head in frustration.

I could have invited her along. It would have been nice to have some company, but it felt wrong to bring strangers there. This place was a secret, a promise I was going to keep for Annie.

Sweat covered my body instantly under the overbearing summer sun. My heart began to race the closer I got to the tree line. I needed to see her today.

I walked the worn path to our tree; with a missing branch and bulbous trunk, it resembled a bear sitting up. I sat down in the grass, leaning against the trunk and letting the bark dig into my back. I pulled my bowl from my pocket and took a hit. The smoke filled my lungs, and I let my eyes close as I held it in until my chest burned from the lack of oxygen. I coughed, forcing myself to pant for air, escalating my high. I dumped the ashes into the grass as my eyes went unfocused, and I pictured Annie climbing through the fence in one of her short dresses.

I drummed my fingers on my leg as a song I couldn’t name played in my head, and I waited. I fought the urge to smoke a cigarette, knowing Annie hated the smell, but soon my impatience won over, and I pulled the pack out of my pocket. Why wouldn’t she invite me to her party? Why was she so damn adamant about keeping me from meeting her family? I always thought she was ashamed to be seen with me, but now the nagging feeling that she was seeing someone else crept into the back of my mind. It had been months. How long would it take before she realized I wasn’t going anywhere?

I lit the cigarette and was only able to take a single drag before the fence board ahead moved. I pushed to my feet, stumbling slightly, and held the cigarette with my lips. I grabbed the board and set it to the side. Annie smiled, and I grabbed her hand to help her step through the hole. Her hair was blonder than usual due to the summer sun. She wore it braided to the side, and it lay over her shoulder. I dropped my cigarette and stepped on it quickly so I could pull her into my arms, not caring if I caused her designer clothes to be soiled by the smell.

“I was worried.” I squeezed her tightly, and her arms wrapped around my neck.

“I told you I wouldn’t be able to see you for a few days, and you know I had church this morning.” She pulled back to look me over, and her eyes narrowed as they landed on mine, which were no doubt bloodshot.

“I forgot.” I laughed as I picked up her braid and tugged on it. She took a step back and folded her arms over her chest as her eyebrow rose.

“You forgot about me?”

“Not you. Never you.” I smiled crookedly, and she struggled not to smile back. “You know you’re my favorite person.”

“Well, maybe if you put God first you wouldn’t be such a heathen,” she teased.

“One imaginary friend at a time. I’m still not entirely sure you’re real.” I winked, and her cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment.

“I don’t understand you sometimes.” She shook her head, causing some hair to fall loose from her braid, framing her face.

I tried not to frown at her statement. “You’re the only person who understands me, Annie.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Now I’m dramatic?” I put my hand over my heart, stumbling to the side. “I’ve waited days to see you. Right here.” I pointed to the tree that looked like an old grizzly. “I’ve sat in the lap of a bear.”

She giggled as she cocked her head to the side. “Liar.”

“OK. I waited for you here.” I patted my chest over my heart. “Forever.”

Her blush deepened as she tucked the loose hair behind her ear, her gaze dropping to the ground between us.

“But I’m always going to have to wait, aren’t I?” I took step closer to her, closing the gap between us. She sucked in a quick breath as her eyes met mine.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Her eyes narrowed.

I stepped forward as she shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me about your party?”

“I didn’t know about it.”

“You sure you just didn’t want me there to embarrass you?”

“Where is this coming from? I’m not like you. I don’t know how this is supposed to work.”

Her words cut through me, and if it were possible, my heart would have crumbled inside my chest, reducing me to nothing. That would have been more kind than having to look her in the eye and try to mask the pain she had just inflicted.

“You’re right.” I laughed sardonically and took a step back. “You’re absolutely right.”

“Jacob, please don’t be upset with me. That’s not what I meant.”

“Explain it to me, Annie.” My voice rose as I let the anger that haunted me like a shadow creep back in. Growing so comfortable with Annie had left her to take the brunt of my anger. I had no one else.

“My life is very different from yours.” Her voice was so quiet I barely heard her words.

“Yeah, no shit. Why do you hang around with someone like me anyway? You want to save me?” I don’t remember my feet moving, but I was in her face, looking down at her as her eyes filled with tears. “You pray for me? Is that it? Am I your good deed to get into heaven?”

“Please don’t make fun of me.” She swiped her fingers over her cheek to wipe away a tear that had fallen.

“Don’t make it so easy,” I snapped back between clenched teeth, the brim of my hat nearly touching her forehead.

I turned around and began walking through the trees, needing to distance myself from the one person who could make the pain go away.

“Jacob,” she called after me. My feet were moving, but my heart had stopped. “Please don’t leave this way.”

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the pain laced in her words. It killed me that I was hurting her, but my pride wouldn’t let it go. “There are plenty of girls who wouldn’t mind holding my hand in town.”

“Is that what you want? You want to be my boyfriend?”

“No. It’s not.” I was being cruel, but I was pissed off at my father, and Annie was the only other person I had, so naturally she bore the brunt of my anger. The thought of someone so special to me being too embarrassed to be seen with me killed me inside. “This is the only way it can be.” I didn’t turn around because I knew if I saw her face I’d never be able to walk away. “Have a nice life.” I began walking, blocking out everything as I made my way out of the trees and across the field. I pulled a cigarette from my pack and lit it. I wasn’t being fair. I couldn’t expect her to understand where I was coming from. But that was part of the problem. Her life was so easy.

As I reached the dirt road, I noticed Nat sitting on the steps of her porch, her long tan legs stretched before her in shorts that shouldn’t be legal.

“Do I even want to know what you were doing out there?” she called out playfully.

I glanced over my shoulder at the trees and began walking toward her porch. “You really don’t.”

Her tongue ran out over her lower lip, causing it to glisten in the sunlight. My body reacted, and for the first time it wasn’t accompanied by guilt. I always knew Annie was too good for me, but knowing it and hearing it were too different things.

“You want to hang out?” I asked, pretending I didn’t notice her eyes widen. She was the polar opposite of Annie. I wanted to prove to her that I was good enough for someone, or at least prove it to myself.

“My place?” I motioned with my chin toward my house, and she smiled before pushing up from the porch and dusting off her ass with her hands.

“Your dad home?” She gazed up at me through her long lashes with a smirk. I leaned closer to whisper in her ear.

“Just you and me, sweetheart.” I winked as I took another drag from my cigarette, watching her teeth dig into her bottom lip.

I couldn’t keep my eyes from the tree line as I walked back to my house. I didn’t know if Annie was still there, lurking in the shadows, or if she had gone back to her perfect world where she could be sheltered from people like me. I flicked my butt onto the road and placed my hand on the small of Nat’s back as we climbed the stairs to my house. If she was watching, I wanted her to know that not everyone felt like I was beneath them.