“Why are you so distant?” She countered and I held my breath as all the reasons flashed across my mind.

“That has nothing to do with you, Emma.” She kept her eyes locked on mine. Her hand slowly lifted and she gently touched her fingertips to my chest. I fought the urge to pull away. I took my hand from her face and placed it on top of hers, and held it firm against me. My pulse quickened.

“You are the only person who has ever made my heart race like this.” I didn’t look away. I needed her to know that. It was probably the most honest words I had ever spoken. I took my other hand and tucked her chestnut hair behind her ear. I swallowed hard at the next words I had to say. “You have to go. It’s not up for debate.” I kept my tone low and commanding. I couldn’t stand if she pushed any further. I wouldn’t be able to make her go.

Chapter Seventeen

Emma called one of her friends and left a message letting them know that she wanted to hang out. I made quick work of fixing us something to eat. I made spaghetti as she watched me, not saying a word. We ate together in silence for what felt like an eternity. The thought of her leaving weighed heavy on my heart. Emma was the first to break the silence.

“This is amazing.” She said as she slurped up a long noodle. I couldn’t help but laugh. I took the pad of my thumb and whipped away some sauce that had collected at the corner of her mouth. Without thinking I licked my finger. A surprisingly intimate act. She stared at me and I felt myself go weak under her gaze.

“Eat” I said with a smile, letting my mind forget about everything else. Her phone rang breaking me from my daydream. She reached for it, tearing her gaze from mine.

“It’s Becka” She said before answering it. I grabbed our plates and took them over to the sink, cursing myself for letting someone in.

“My Aunt and I had a fight. I just…can’t go back there for a while.” My heart sank as I listened to her words. I knew that she was lying about her reason but there was truth in what she was saying as well. “Thanks Becka, I really appreciate it.” She sat her phone back on the counter while I finished rinsing off our plates. “She said I could stay.” Her words cut through me. I didn’t want her to go but I knew she needed to be as far away from me as possible. I was no good for her, no good for anybody. I shut off the water and turned to face her. I grabbed her purse from the counter and opened the door, waiting for her to follow.

“You can call me if you need anything.” I said as we made our way to my car. I wanted her to call me. I wanted to hear her voice again, but this was starting to feel like goodbye. I opened her door for her and waited for her to slip in. To my surprise, she kissed me gently on the cheek, letting her mouth linger. She should hate me. I was the reason she may be hurt. I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to feel her. I turned my head and captured her mouth with mine. Her body relaxed against mine, fitting perfectly against me. I pulled back, cursing myself as I did.

“We have to go.” She leaned towards me again but stopped herself. Good. She finally understood that I was the cause of all of this. “I will fix this.” I didn’t say all of the other things that I wanted to. That fixing this meant I probably would never see her again. She nodded and lowered herself into the seat. I sighed and closed her door.

We rode quietly to her friend’s house. The GPS gave directions over the low muffed sounds of Kings of Leon on the radio. We pulled over just down the street from her friend’s house. “I’ll come for you as soon as I can.” I said, not sure if she heard my voice waver. She had no idea how hard I would struggle to stay away from her. I smiled weakly at her, trying to reassure her.

“I know” She said quietly as she got out of the car. A lump had formed in my throat and I was unable to say anything else. She stood there, watching me. I fixed my eyes on the road and left, staring at her through the rearview mirror until I couldn’t see her any longer.

I ran my hand through my hair and hit the steering wheel, causing the car to swerve slightly into the other lane. “Fuck!” I had lost control. I was dangerously close to folding like a house of cards perched precariously on the ledge of cliff. Brought down by an innocent. I laughed at the irony of it all. I had messed around with some of the most conniving and manipulating women on the planet but Emma brought me to my knees. What does she get in return? I put her life in danger. I went to the one place I knew could give me comfort. A place that I could torture myself without being judged. A place that I could be tortured by others.

I turned on the next road and sped across town to the rundown and seemingly abandoned strip mall. I stopped first at a gas station along the way and bought a large bottle of bourbon. As I pulled into the parking lot and made my way to the back of the building I had thoughts of her. She would be laughing and having fun with her friend. She would be thinking of me, of us. I opened the bottle and took a long swig. I stared at the back of the building trying to think of anything else, anyone else. I took another long drink. My veins began to warm as the alcohol swam through me. I grabbed my phone and began typing. I wanted her to push me over the ledge already, get it over with.

Do you have any idea what I want to do to you right now?

I sent the text and took another long drink from the bottle. A few seconds later, my phone vibrated.

Who is this? It is so hard to keep my admirers straight.

My eyes narrowed at the phone. I knew she was joking, but she had no idea how those words ripped through me. That was it, that was the push I needed.

Not funny. I can think of a few ways to punish you later.

I hit send and tossed the phone on the seat next to me. I drank again and closed the bottle before getting out of my car.

The building was quiet and no one from the outside knew what went on behind these walls. A place like this required an invitation. I had found it after I met a woman at a bar not far from here. She made me realize what I needed.

I stepped into the dark building, eying the women who sat on their knees waiting for someone to come and sweep them off their feet. My gaze fell on J, the receptionist who always greeted me with a warm smile. It was a small crime, and I had no excuse.

“Good evening, Sir.” She chimed like a bell. I gave her a quick smile, not wanting to make small talk. The alcohol was possessing me now and I just wanted to be numb. “The usual?” Her lips curved into a wicked grin. I nodded, and turned to make my way back the narrow hall. “Sir?” She called after me. I paused, turning back to face her. “If you’re up for something different..” Her voice trailed off. She motioned to the girls who sat waiting, patiently. “Or perhaps” She bit her lip as she traced the line of her cle**age with her finger, dipping below the neckline of her already low cut blouse. I turned away and continued down the hall. I placed my hand on the doorknob of room three and took a minute to steady myself. I had drunk more than I realized and it was hitting me harder than expected. I stepped inside and removed my shirt, kicking off my shoes at the same time. I stumbled but managed to keep my balance as I finished getting ready. The door creaked and I sunk to my knees. The weight of the world holding me down. The sound of high heels clicked across the hard floor.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon.” She said as she walked around me. I didn’t look up. All I could see was her feet in impossibly high heels and her black stockings. “Needing another lesson?” There was amusement in her voice and it irritated the f**k out of me. She bent closer to me from behind, her hot breath on my ear.

Maybe today I teach you some discipline.” She purred. My lip twitched. Her hand pulled lazily over my shoulder as she rounded in front of me. “Maybe today I teach you pain.” Her finger tips on my chin, angling me up to look at her. My hand shot out and grabbed her wrist before I could think about what I was doing.

“I have more pain than you could give.” I said through gritted teeth. Her eyes held wide in shock as I forced her to look deep into mine. I held her tight as I rose to my feet. She sunk lower until her knees touched the floor, rocking back until she rested on her heels. I stood over her, her wrist tight in my grip. After a moment of silence she spoke.

“Yes, Master” The words sent a chill through my body. I released her and grabbed my clothes, shrugging them on quickly.

I made my way out of the building, not making eye contact with anyone as I went. I doubled over, resting my hands on my knees as I reached the cold nights air. I wanted to vomit; I was so disgusted with myself. I staggered back to my car and slipped inside, grabbing the bottle of alcohol. I took a long swig and waited for the burning to pass before picking up my phone.

Looking forward to it.

The text I had not waited to see from Emma flashed on the screen. She deserved better. I took another drink before typing out my reply.

You will be sorry you said that.

I knew she wouldn’t take it as the warning I had intended. I wasn’t strong enough to push her away. I took another drink, glancing at the half-filled bottle. I let my head fall back on the seat as I cranked the engine and let myself get lost in the music.

“I want to take my love and hate you till the end” rang through the speakers. I closed my eyes, slipping deeper into my sadness. My phone beeped and I was almost afraid to pick it up.

I miss you.

I repeated the words over and over again in my head. What would she think of me now? I was sick.

Emma, don’t

I hit send and hoped that she would be mad. I couldn’t stand her feeling anything like that but she needed to. She needed to hate me.

Chapter Nineteen

I sat alone, bottle in hand, as I listened to one depressing song after another. The walls I had built to keep everyone out were crumbling around me. I could no longer numb the pain I felt with alcohol or a one-night stand. I had no choice but to face it head on.

As I sat, lost in my self-induced pain my phone glowed to life. I had enabled the tracking on Emma’s phone, purely for her safety. At least, that is the lie I told myself. Regardless of my excuses, she was leaving the safety of her friend’s home and making her way to the busier side of town. I growled as my anger began to boil over. I had sent her away for her own safety and she is already putting herself in more danger. Does she have no sense of self-preservation at all?

I pulled out of the parking lot and followed the small glowing dot. She was unknowingly moving closer to me. It only took me a moment to spot small cherry red convertible. I slipped inside the club and made my way to the far side of the bar. It took every ounce of my will power not to go to her side. She was surrounded by men and with the clothes that she was wearing, it wasn’t a surprise. I watched her, trying to convince myself that she wasn’t mine to worry about but the note had made that decision for me. She was in danger, and whether she took that seriously or not, I had to. I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.

“Bad girl” I said as I heard her breathe heavily into the phone.

“We just went out for a few drinks. How did you…” Her voice trailed off. She nervously bit down on her bottom.

“Stop biting your lip before I bend you over the bar and punish you right here.” I couldn’t help but laugh at my own twisted thoughts. I lie to myself about protecting her, and all the while, I want to torture her. I stared past the pretty little blonde who had perched herself between us. I waited. Emma’s gaze scanned the bar until it finally fell on me. Her cheeks burnt with anger. I knew she would be upset that I was here. I didn’t care.

“How did you know?” Her face looking like she was trying to solve a problem in her head. I smiled.

“I activated the GPS on your phone.” I motioned for the bartender to fill my drink, knowing I was going to need it.

“You what?” She was angry. Over her shoulder, Becka had noticed me and I heard her say my name in the receiver. I turned quickly, trying to make it less obvious whom I was staring at.

“We are leaving now” I wanted to take her back to my place. It would be safer than this club.

“I’ll be out for a few more hours.” She replied and the phone went dead. How could she not understand that I was trying to protect her? I glared down the bar at her. Becka was hugging her and over the music, I could hear her ordering another round of drinks. I clenched my jaw as I resisted the urge to grab her and carry her out of this place. I sent her a quick message before ordering another drink.

Last chance

I watched her look down at the phone and shrug before turning away. My stomach knotted. A man came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. I nearly broke the glass in my hand. His name was Jeff and he was in one of my classes. She looked over her shoulder, smiling. Pain ripped through me as I watched her exchange pleasantries with him. His hands lingered on her body. I typed out a quick warning, hoping she would end this little game.

I will f**king kill him if he puts his hands on you again.

I didn’t know how seriously she would take my threat, but I meant every word. She didn’t look my way. Hand in hand her and her new friend walked out into the dance floor and began to move against one another. His hands moved possessively over her body. I felt the heat in my body rise as I thought how I would make him pay.

“You wanna dance?” The pretty little blonde was leaning closer and I finally allowed myself to look at her. She smiled and ran her fingers down my chest. I grabbed her wrist and pulled it back from my body. She looked rejected. I pulled her towards me so her face was inches from mine. I wonder what Emma will think. I wonder if she would feel the way I feel with someone else touching her. The blonde stepped closer, filling the void between us.

“You seem like a man who knows what he wants.” She whispered in my ear. Emma had turned around and our eyes met for a brief moment.