“I don’t know what you were saying last night,” I tell him. “But I felt it.”

He sits me down on the edge of the tub and squats down, wrapping a new bandage around my arm.

I stare at him, the shame starting to creep in when he won’t look at me.

It didn’t feel bad last night. I didn’t feel the shame then.

Now, he’s probably wondering what schedule the slut is on. Who gets me on Thursdays? On Tuesdays? Do we meet in my bed or do I come to yours?

I try to swallow through my dry mouth, tears welling. “I felt it,” I whisper again.

I felt him and how it was perfect and how I wanted him to fold me up inside him forever. It was a perfect moment when all of me aligned for one fucking instant, and I felt full and strong. Those moments are rare.

His lips twitch, his hands slowing, but then he finds his focus again, securing the bandage around my arm.

I reach out.

Slowly, I lift my right arm, almost like I’m holding out my hand for a dog to sniff when I greet it.

I feel him still as the back of my hand glides up his face, and I hold my breath.

I just want to know it was real. I was his in those moments.

Finally, he closes his eyes, exhales, and leans into my hand, giving in.

A lump lodges in my throat, but I hold back the tears as I caress his temple.

“I don’t want to fight with you anymore,” I tell him. “I’ll leave, okay? You don’t have to fear me.”

His eyes open, his brows etched with pain, but he doesn’t look at me.

“I’ll leave. I won’t ruin this home for you. I won’t hurt you,” I whisper. “I promise I’ll leave.”

Just let us have this time.

He shakes his head, and I don’t know what he’s trying to say now, but just when I think he’s going to jump to his feet and leave, his head falls, sinking into my lap.

I still, looking down at him. His black hair that’s not really black now that I can be close enough to him to see it’s a shade above. The tattoo stretching from under his ear and going down his neck vertically, but even this close, the cursive is still too fine to read.

It doesn’t matter. Kaleb has things to say. He just doesn’t need everyone to hear.

Sitting there, I grip the edge of the tub, something in my chest feeling like it’s splintering apart as he struggles for air with his head bowed.

He blurs in front of me as my eyes fill with tears. It’s not going to be easy to leave ...them.

I swallow. A feeling, not a place.

Loving them has made something inside me wake up, and I don’t want to go back to being who I was. I might wish this change could’ve happened differently, but some of us don’t learn from the heat. We need the fire.

Reaching out, I glide my hands down his back and bend over, wrapping my arms around him.

I squeeze my eyes shut, savoring this.

But just then I hear heavy footfalls run up the stairs and a shadow falls across the bathroom.

“What the fuck happened?” someone yells.

I pop my eyes open. Jake.

I sniffle, drying my eyes as I sit up but avoid his gaze as he looms at the door. Kaleb rises and backs away from me.

What the hell is Jake doing back already? What do I tell him?

But he doesn’t seem to notice that Kaleb and I were embracing.

He rushes over. “Jesus Christ…” He takes my arm, gently lifting it up to inspect the bandage and then diving down to swipe the bloody one off the floor.

“It’s okay,” I assure him.

He shoots Kaleb a glare anyway. “I leave you alone for one night!”

Kaleb returns the look, and my stomach immediately sinks. God, they look alike when they’re angry.

But then Kaleb quirks a smile, and I’m not sure why, but it pisses Jake off more, and he jerks his head, ordering his son out.

Kaleb leaves, not sparing me another glance.

“It’s okay,” I tell him again once Kaleb is gone. “The animals are fine. I’m fine.”

Jake slams the door and comes over, kneeling down in Kaleb’s place and unwrapping the bandage to take a look. His cheeks and nose are wind-burnt, and the scruff on his jaw is a little darker than the hair on his head.

“A fire started in the middle of the night,” I tell him. “Thank goodness we woke up. We were able to extinguish it, but I got roughed up when I tried to get Shawnee out of the barn. It wasn’t the boys’ fault.”

He tosses the bandage and inspects the stitches. “Jesus Christ,” he bites out. “Goddamn them.”

“They didn’t do this,” I say. “They took care of it, though.”

He shakes his head, continuing to look at the wound. Rising up, he grabs a washcloth off the shelf and wets it, while also taking the petroleum jelly out of the medicine cabinet.

I look up at him, worry coiling its way through my stomach. “You’re back early.”

If he’d showed up ten minutes ago, he would’ve found me in Kaleb’s bed.

If he’d come back last night, he…

It’s not something I planned on hiding from him, but I don’t want him thinking we reveled in his absence either or that this was planned.

“I got turned around,” he tells me, setting the items down and spilling a couple ibuprofen into his palm and handing them to me. “The snow was just too deep and the wind too strong. I wasn’t going to make it another night out there.”

He comes down, dropping to one knee, and cleans around the stitches, adding some petroleum jelly as I swallow the pills.

I stare at him, his lips a foot away as he dresses my wound. “Something else happened last night,” I whisper.

He slows for a moment but then continues, not looking at me.

“After the fire…” I go on. “With the boys.”

I don’t blink and neither does he as he avoids my gaze. My stomach churns.

“I…”

“Both of them?” he asks, looking down to pick up some gauze he dropped on the floor.

“I…um…”

I can’t say it, though, and he doesn’t make me.

His lips tighten as he wraps my arm. “Were they good to you?”

My eyes water, and I nod. He’s not yelling. I’m not sure if I’m hurt that he’s not jealous, or thankful he’s not disgusted with me.

But he is jealous. His hard expression and clipped words tell me that.

I open my mouth to explain. I love him, but I…

I don’t know.

I drop my head. I have no idea how to explain any of this. Or what I feel with them.

It just never feels wrong. That’s all I know.

It’s felt wrong before. Not here, though. Not with them.

“I—”

“Did you finish those college applications yet?” he asks, cutting me off.

I blink, falling silent.

Huh?

College applications…

So that’s it? He’s not going to make this harder?

I search for my words, taking the easy way out he’s giving me. “What, are you trying to get rid of me?” I tease.

“Well, you’re no use as a cook anymore with one arm.”

I chuckle, relief washing over me as I shake my head.

And then I dive in, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. He freezes for a moment but then relaxes, embracing me back as he pulls us to our feet.