“I’ll be right back,” I tell him. Then, seeing the look on Rebecca’s face, I say it to her, too. “Really. I’ll be right back.”

It’s not hard to find him. I can actually see the glow of his cigarette across the street in the water supply area. It figures he’d head straight to the NO TRESPASSING signs.

I let him take a few drags before I get there.

“I’m coming in,” I warn. Then I skirt around a tree, and end up right in front of him.

I can’t help it. The first thing out of my mouth is, “You look like shit.”

Which means the first thing out of his mouth is, “Well, you made me feel like shit, so that kinda makes sense.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

“Go ahead. Get it out of your system.”

“Why, Rhiannon? Why?”

This is worse than the Fuck you. Much worse.

Because now his body is transparent. I see right inside, right to who he is. And he is so upset. So wronged. So surprised.

All along, I’ve wanted to see how much he cared. And now I get to see it. Now, when it’s over.

“How long, Rhiannon? How long were you screwing some other guy? How long were you lying to me?”

“I never screwed him.”

“Oh, that makes me feel so much better. The best kind of slut is one who won’t put out!”

I’ve humiliated him. I’ve been so busy being humiliated that I haven’t realized how badly I’ve humiliated him.

“I am so, so sorry,” I say.

I should be crying. But what I feel is different from sorrow. It’s horror.

“It’s okay if you hate me,” I say.

He laughs. “I don’t need your permission to hate you. Jesus! Listen to yourself!”

I wish I could blame A. I wish I could say it’s A’s fault. But all A did was show me who Justin wasn’t. And instead of dealing with that, I ran away. I pretended. And then I was caught.

“I don’t just hate you, Rhiannon,” Justin says. “I hate you more than I ever thought it was possible to hate anyone. Do you know what’s worse than being destroyed? It’s being destroyed by someone who was never worth it. If you want me to let you off the hook—if you want me to tell you that I’m okay with everything—well, all I have to say to that is that I hope you stay on this hook for as long as you fucking live. I hope you feel it every time you kiss that guy. I hope you feel it every time you think about kissing anyone. I hope it keeps you awake at night. I hope you never sleep again. I hate you that much. So go back to that lame-ass party and drink soda and get out of my face.”

“No,” I say, faltering. “No—we need to talk. I need to tell you—”

“Fine. New plan. I am going to go back there, get Steve and my keys, and drive the hell away. You can stay here. I hereby give you custody of this shitty reservation. Do not follow me, and please do not talk to me ever again.”

He flicks his cigarette to the ground and walks away. I jump forward—not to follow him, but to make sure the cigarette doesn’t set everything on fire.

What have I done what have I done what have I done?

Even as I’m thinking this on repeat, I’m also thinking it’s a little too late to be asking this question.

I want to wake up tomorrow in another body, another life. But I don’t really want that. What I’m realizing is that for all the time I’ve spent with A, for all the time I’ve thought about A and A’s life, I missed the most important part: Do no damage. Somehow A can manage it in the course of a day, but I couldn’t manage that in the course of a real, continuous life.

I can’t go back to the house, but I also can’t just stand here, waiting to see Justin and Steve leave. So I walk deeper into the woods, trespass more definitively. Once I’m out of the streetlamp range and the neighborhood glow, it’s completely dark. As I walk among the trees, I realize this is as close to bodiless as I’m going to get. Just a mind walking through the night. Unseen. Unfelt. Unreal.

Justin was careless with me. That’s undeniable. But it doesn’t excuse me from being so careless with him. It explains it, but it doesn’t excuse it.

I lose all sense of time until I hear my name being called. More frantic with each repetition. Rebecca’s voice. Preston’s. Ben’s. Stephanie’s. Will’s.

“I’m here!” I shout, then keep shouting it until they find me.

Chapter Thirty

I call my parents.

I tell them I’m sleeping over at Rebecca’s.

Then I sleep over at Rebecca’s.

The next morning, Will invites us back to his house for a picnic.

“Are you sure he’s not just inviting Preston?” I ask. It’s eleven in the morning and I’m not out of bed yet.

“Nope,” Rebecca says. She’s been up for at least an hour, I’m sure. “All of us. Me and Ben. Steve and Stephanie. Will and Preston. And…you. Do you want to ask your Mystery Man?”

“I can’t,” I say.

“Come on. Isn’t it time we met him?”

“I just can’t.”

“What? Are you ashamed of us?” She’s teasing, but I can tell there’s a worry that it’s true.

“No,” I say. Because the truth is that I’m sure A would love nothing better than a picnic with me and my friends. A would fit in perfectly. It hurts me to know this.

“Then why not?”

“Because I don’t think it’s going to work out,” I say. “With him and me. I just don’t think—”

I can’t finish the sentence, because it feels so strange to say it out loud.

Rebecca sits down on the bed next to me and gives me a hug. “Oh, Rhiannon,” she says. “It’s alright.”

I don’t know why she’s treating me this way, but I guess I’m crying or something. I want to tell her they’re tears of confusion, not sadness. Was all of this for nothing? I think of Justin last night. I think of A out there somewhere. And I think, No, this wasn’t for nothing. Even if I’m not going to be with A, I needed to stop letting Justin determine my life. I needed to find my own life. A, in a way, got me there. And it wasn’t for nothing. A and I still have something, even if it’s not the kind of something where he can come to a picnic with my friends.