“I want a boyfriend, not a babysitter.”

The circumstances had changed, but the sentiment hadn’t. “You don’t have to be here,” I said. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I want to be here.”

“Why?”

“I can’t let anything happen to you.”

I closed my eyes in frustration. Either Noah didn’t understand what I was trying to say, or he was ignoring it. “Should I go?” I asked.

His hand was still on my face, and his touch was impossibly soft. “You should.”

I wasn’t about to beg. I broke away from him and reached for the door.

“But don’t,” he said, right when I touched it.

I faced him and stepped back into the room. He pushed the door closed behind me. My back was against the wood and Noah was almost against me.

I went in search of Noah with every intention of just sleeping when I found him. But now the beat of my blood, of my wanting, transformed the air around us.

I was consumed by the slow lift of the corner of his mouth and the need to taste his smile. I wanted to dip my fingers under the hem of his shirt and explore the soft line of hair that disappeared into his jeans. To feel his skin under my teeth, his shadowed jaw on my neck.

But here, now, with him only inches from me, and nothing to stop us, I didn’t move.

“I want to kiss you,” I whispered instead.

He angled his face closer, lower down to mine. But not to my mouth. To my ear. “I’ll allow it.”

His lips brushed my skin and suddenly it was too much. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him against me as close as I could but he was still not close enough. My hands were trapped between the hard ridges of his stomach and my softness and I was almost breathless with wanting, trembling with it.

But Noah was still.

Until his name fell from my lips in a soft, desperate groan. And then his hands were on my h*ps and his mouth was on my skin and he lifted me and I wrapped myself around him. I was backed against the door and the copper buttons on Noah’s jeans pressed against me and the ache was delicious and not enough, not at all. His rough cheek electrified the curve between my neck and shoulder and I leaned back, completely senseless. He gripped my waist and he shifted me up and then his lips brushed against mine. Soft. Tentative. Waiting for me to kiss them.

A memory flickered of us together in his bed, a tangle of limbs and tongues and hair. Noah wrapped around me as he unwrapped me with his mouth. Our mouths were fluent in the language of each other and we moved with one mind and shared the same breath. Until Noah stopped breathing. Until he almost died.

Like Jude should have.

Like I wished he had.

I shuddered against Noah’s mouth and my heart thundered against his chest. I did not imagine him almost dying. I remembered it. And I was afraid it would happen again.

Noah slid me down.

I was breathless and unsteady on my feet. “What?”

“You’re not ready,” he said as he backed away.

I swallowed. “I was thinking about it. But then you just—stopped.”

“Your heartbeat was out of control.”

“Maybe because I liked it.”

“Maybe because you’re not ready,” Noah said. “And I’m not going to push you.”

After a minute passed in silence, I finally said, “I’m scared.”

Noah was quiet.

“I’m scared to kiss you.” I’m scared I’ll hurt you.

Noah gently smoothed my hair from my face. “Then you don’t have to.”

“But I want to.” It had never been more true.

His eyes were soft. “Do you want to tell me what you’re afraid of?”

My voice was clear. “That I’ll hurt you. Kill you.”

“If you kiss me.”

“Yes.”

“Because of that dream.”

I closed my eyes. “It wasn’t a dream,” I said.

I felt Noah’s fingers on my waist. “If it wasn’t a dream, then what do you think happened?”

“I told you already.”

“How would that work?”

I studied his face, searching for any trace of amusement. I didn’t find it. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s part of . . . me,” I said, and I knew that he knew what I meant.

“Just kissing?”

I shrugged.

“Not sex?”

“I’ve never had sex.”

“I’m aware. But if I recall correctly, you didn’t seem to be worried about it that night in my room.” The tiniest hint of a smile lifted the corner of his mouth.

I knew exactly which night he meant. It was the night he finally realized what I could do, when I killed every living thing in the insect house at the zoo, everything but us.

I thought I should leave him then, to keep him safe. I thought I should leave everyone I loved. But Noah wouldn’t let me and I was grateful because I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted him close, as close as he could possibly get. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t thinking much at all.

“I don’t know,” I said, backing down onto the bed. “How am I supposed to know?”

Noah followed my steps and unfurled on the mattress, drawing me down with him. My spine was pressed up against his chest; the silver pendant he always wore was cold against my skin, exposed in my tank top. The beat of his heart steadied mine.

Noah traced the length of my arm and held my hand. “We don’t have to do anything, Mara,” he said softly as my eyes began to close. I wanted to curl up in his voice and live there. “This truly is enough.”

I had one final thought before I slipped into sleep.

Not for me.

24

BEFORE

India. Unknown Province.

THE MAN IN BLUE LOOKED DOWN AT ME AS THE horses drew the carriage away, kicking up dust. “What is your name?”

I stared at him.

“Do you understand me?”

I nodded.

“I do not know what your guardian has told you, but you are in my care for now. We will have to give you a name.”

I was silent.

He let out a small sigh. “We have a journey ahead of us. Are you feeling well?”

I nodded again, and our journey began.

I was sad to leave the ships. We traveled by foot and by elephant back into the forest and still it was nearly sunset when we reached the village. The earth beneath my feet was dry and the air was quiet and still. I smelled smoke; there were many small huts that stretched out over the land, but there were no people.

“Come inside,” the Man in Blue said, and waved me into one of the huts. My eyes wrestled with the dark.

Something moved near me; a figure emerged out of the dimness. I could see only smooth, brown, flawless skin attached to a slight slip of a girl. She was taller than I, but I could not see her face. Ribbons of black hair fell limply below her shoulders.

“Daughter,” the Man in Blue said to the girl. “We have a guest.”

The girl stepped into the light, and I could finally see her. She was plain, but there was a kindness, a warmth in her clean face that made her pretty. She smiled at me.

I smiled back.

The Man in Blue rested his hand on the girl’s shoulder then. “Where is Mother?”

“A woman went into labor.”

The Man in Blue looked confused. “Who?”

The girl shook her head. “Not from here. A stranger, the husband, came for Mother. She said she would return as soon as she was able.”

The Man in Blue’s eyes tightened. “I must speak with you,” he said to her. Then he turned to me. “Wait here. Do not go outside. Do you understand?”

I nodded. He drew the girl away, out of the hut. I heard whispers but I could not understand the words. Moments later, the girl entered again. Alone.

She did not speak to me. Not at first. She took a step toward me, then turned up her palms. I did not move. She took another step, close enough now for me to catch her scent, earthy and intense. I liked it and I liked her warmth. She extended her arm then, and I let her touch me. She crouched in a corner and sat me down next to her. The girl drew me against her clean shift with the familiarity of someone who knew just the way I would fit. I wriggled, trying to get comfortable.

“You must not go out there,” she said, misunderstanding my movement.

I stilled. “Why?”

“So you can speak,” the girl said with a tiny smile. “It is not safe,” she added.

“It is too quiet.”

“People are sick. The noise hurts them.”

I did not understand. “Why?”

“Haven’t you ever been sick?”

I shook my head.

She smiled and shot me a sly look. “Everyone gets sick. You are full of mischief.”

I did not understand her meaning, so I asked, “The Man in Blue, he is your father?”

“The Man in Blue?” she asked, her eyes glittering. “That is what you call him?”

I said nothing.

The girl nodded. “Yes, he is. But you may call him Uncle and my mother Aunt, when she returns.” She paused. “And you may call me Sister, if you like.”

“Did my father and mother get sick?” I asked, even though I did not remember my father or mother. I did not remember having either.

“Perhaps,” the girl said quietly, and pulled me back against her. “But you are with us now.”

“Why?”

“Because we will take care of you.”

Her voice was gentle and soft, and suddenly I was frightened for her. “Are you sick?”

“Not yet,” she said, then stood.

I followed quickly. She was not like the others. I wanted her to stay.

She glanced back. “I was not leaving,” she assured me.

“I know,” I said, but followed her anyway.

We did not go far. We simply turned into another small room, this one with several mats on the caked straw floor. The girl ducked down behind one and held a bundle of fabric in her hand, as well as a needle and thread. She removed a jar full of something dark and withdrew a puff of it in her fist. She folded the cloth around the fluff and hummed a simple song—it consisted of only a few notes—as she began to sew.

I was hypnotized by her hands. “What is that?”

“A present. Something for you to play with, so you will never feel alone.”

I felt something like fear. “I want to play with you.”

She smiled, warm and bright. “We can all play together.”

This made me happy and I settled down on the mat, lulled by the melody and the rhythm of her fingers. Soon, the shapeless form in her hands became something else; I found a head early on, then two arms and legs. It grew eyes and eyelashes and a thin black smile, then rows of stitches of black hair. Then the older girl made a shift for it, and slipped it on over its stuffed head.

When she finished, I settled back into the crook of her arm.

“Do you like your doll?” She held it up to a shaft of light. There was a spot of red on the underside of its arm, where she held it. Where its wrist would have been.

I did not answer her. “What is that red?” I asked instead.

“Oh.” She handed me the doll and examined her finger. “I pricked myself.” She drew her finger to her mouth and sucked.

I was afraid for her. “Are you hurt?”

“No, do not worry.”

I held the doll close.

“What is her name?” the girl asked me gently.

I was silent for a moment. Then said, “You made it. You choose.”

“Her,” she corrected me. “I cannot choose that for you.”

“Why?”

“Because she belongs to you. There is power in a name. Perhaps once you know her better, you will be able to decide?”

I nodded, and the older girl stood, lifting me with her. My stomach made a noise.

“You are hungry.”

I nodded.

She caressed the crown of my head, smoothing my thick, dark hair. “We are all hungry,” she said quietly. “I can add more water to the soup. Would you like some before supper?”

“Yes.”

She nodded and considered me. “Are you strong enough to fetch water from a well?”

“I am very strong.”

“The handle is very heavy.”

“Not for me.”

“It is a very deep well. . . .”

“I can do it.” I wanted to show her, but I wanted to be outside as well. The close air of the hut was pressing in, and my skin felt tight.

“Then I will tell you the secret to get there, but you must promise not to go any farther into the trees.”

“I promise.”

“And if you see someone, you must promise not to tell them where it is.”

“I promise.”

The girl smiled, and nudged the doll back into my hand. “Take her with you, wherever you go.”

I clutched the doll tightly and brought her to my chest before the girl showed me out. Her eyes followed me as I ran into the fading sunlight. The scent of charred flesh singed my nostrils, but the smell was not unpleasant. A thick haze of smoke hung in the air and stung my eyes even as it rose among the trees.

I followed the path I was told. The well was quite far, and nearly hidden by thick brush. It was large, too; I had to stand on my toes to peer down into it. It was dark. Bottomless. I had an urge to throw the doll in.

I did not. I set it down beside the worn stone and my thin arms began the work of drawing up the water when I heard a cough.

Close.

I was so startled I dropped the handle. I picked up the doll and gripped it tightly as I crept to the other side of the well.