Not when I have eighteen messages waiting for me.

Not when I want to get in my car and drive all night to get to her.

Not when I’m thinking I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

I toss the remote onto the coffee table and drop my head into my hands. Max nudges me with his wet nose, sniffing behind my ear.

“I’m gonna listen to one. Just one.” I raise my head and he gets up on all fours on the cushion, his tail wagging excitedly behind him. “You want to listen to one too, don’t you? You miss her? You miss Tessa?”

He reacts exactly how I’d react if someone asked me the same thing right now. By jumping around like a fucking lunatic, knocking shit off the coffee table. His head nudges the back of my legs as I move down the hallway, urging me faster. I rip the cord out of the bottom of my cell phone and sit on the edge of the bed with it.

I dial my voicemail, ignoring the way my heart pounds, the heavy pulse of it surging back to life. I hit the speaker-phone button as Max settles next to me on the bed, dropping his head into my lap. After skipping seven messages, ’cause I figure after a week of me being gone, she’s probably more likely to cuss me out then cry, I wait for the eighth message to begin playing.

“Hey, it’s me,” she whispers, and I raise the phone up to my ear, keeping it on speaker. “I have to be really quiet. Nolan fell asleep on me.” I count her breaths, six full inhales and exhales, and fuck, just hearing her living does something to me. I breathe faster, heavier, matching her rhythm. I think maybe she’s fallen asleep until I hear a soft sigh. “I’m pretending you’re here with me, and I don’t have to say anything. We’re just together. Just you and me, and it’s…” Her voice breaks into a whimper, and she shudders an exhale before continuing. “It’s so perfect, Luke. Do you remember? I’m not crazy, right? It was kinda perfect, what we had.

“I wasn’t—I know I wasn’t perfect for you. I’m stubborn. I yell, and I like to push you, and we argue about the dumbest shit, but you’re the only person I want to sit on a couch and do absolutely nothing with. You are what makes it perfect. And I miss it. I miss just being with you, so I’m going to sit here, and pretend that’s what I’m doing.”

I wipe my hand down my face and shift Max off me so I can lie down, dropping the phone on my chest. Max settles at my feet, resting his chin on my leg while I stare at the phone. The soft sounds of her pain fade out, and it’s just her breathing, filling my ears, my bedroom, and my soul. I watch the seconds tick away on the screen, and when it reaches ten minutes, the message abruptly cuts out. I cue it up again, letting my eyes fall closed so I can picture her with me.

I miss you, and it was perfect.

I was planning on listening to a few of her messages tonight, but this one, this is the only one I want to hear.

It kills me; her, thinking she’s not enough. That she wasn’t exactly what I needed, all the time.

I’m halfway through my fifth listen, when a beep cuts into the message, breaking apart one of the best sounds I’ve ever heard. I tilt my phone to see the screen, and the name I read has me sitting up and kicking Max off my legs.

Mia: Hey, Luke. Nolan wanted to send you a text. I’m handing him the phone now.

I smile, watching the bubbles float as he types. I’m not sure what to expect. He’s four, so I think he should be able to spell out some words.

Mia: Nolan Nolan Nolan dragon jfksnen kskeiju qio l :) jfks hi :) Unkle Luke hi

I get a good laugh out of that, reading it several times to try and figure out if the random letters are meant to say something. My phone beeps again, and I’m expecting more smiley faces and names.

Mia: Hey, it’s me. Sorry. He’s been asking me every day if he can call you, and I didn’t want him telling Tessa he talked to you. I can’t imagine how sad that would make her.

My fingers begin moving at their own volition. Thank fuck for spell check picking up what I’m meaning to get across instead of the nonsense I type out.

Me: How is she?

Mia: She’s sad, Luke. She’s really sad. You destroyed my best friend, and your dumbass is the only one who can fix it, so I need you to get back here. Now. I don’t know how much more of this she can take. I’ve never seen her like this.

Sweat builds on my palm as I grip the phone, staring, re-reading the words again, and again. I’ve destroyed her. I need to fix it.

Mia: I’m going behind Ben’s back to talk to you right now. I hope you know how shitty I feel doing this, but I don’t think you made the right choice. I did at first. I understood why you left when Ben told me, and I wanted to hug you for choosing Tessa’s feelings over your own.

Mia: I know you love her even if you’ve never said it, and I know you’ve never said it, because Tessa would’ve told me. But you screwed up. It’s not supposed to be like this. Every couple has shit they have to go through. But you work it out. Together.

Mia: I swear to God. Sometimes you men are complete idiots. We love you, and you just screw everything up.

Mia: I’m getting worked up, so I’m going to go fold something. I love you and I miss you, but I will straight up nut punch you if you don’t fix this.

Nut punch me? What the fuck?

I toss the phone on the bed next to me and lie back. My head feels heavier when it hits the pillow, my indecision weighing on my mind.

What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

If I go back, I’ll have to let Tessa in. She knows some shit, but she doesn’t know all of it. Not the stuff that pulls me out of bed at night. The ugliness I’ve kept her away from.