“She was a girl I knew from school. She is going through some rough times right now.”

“I had to do an estimate at someone’s house. So what that I’m a couple hours late. Do I have to check in with you every ten minutes?”

I sighed loudly. “I thought Lauren has a boyfriend? Why wasn’t he tending to her?” I asked.

“Because he’s on location in New Zealand, Taryn,” Ryan returned sharply. “Her boyfriend, Lucas Banks, is also filming.” His tone made me feel like an idiot, like I should’ve known that.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized instinctively. My old habits of being insecure kept resurfacing. Thomas always had a knack of turning each argument around, blaming my lack of trust and neurosis for being the cause of our fights.

“I just wanted to know what the circumstances were, that’s all,” I conceded.

“You have no reason to be suspicious, Honey. It’s just like the pictures of you holding onto Cory out on the icy sidewalk. I recall seeing your hand in his in those pictures. Just remember how quickly an innocent gesture gets taken out of context.”

“You’re right, but…” I whispered. “I just don’t want you to give Lauren the wrong impression either, Ryan.”

“Are you going to be like this forever, Tar? Accusing me whenever I touch another human being?” Ryan snarled.

“No. But I will be like this when you’re holding hands with someone you’ve already had sex with!”

I tried to maintain my temper, and although I was unsure if he had sex with Lauren or not when they supposedly dated, the fact that he didn’t try to deny it was confirmation enough.

“And I know you well enough to know that if you saw pictures of me holding hands with some exboyfriend that I…” I took a breath, pausing to check the direction of my accusations. “With someone you didn’t know or trust, smiling and canoodling around some over the top party with him, you’d flip out on me,” I groaned.

“Yeah, you’re right. I would,” Ryan willingly admitted.

“And why would you have that reaction, Ryan? Would it be because you don’t trust me or because you don’t want the entire world to have that impression of our relationship?”

“I trust you,” he whispered.

“It’s embarrassing and disheartening, seeing your boyfriend being affectionate with his ex-girlfriend off set,” I said softly. “When you’re filming, it’s another thing…”

“If you would have just come out to L.A. like I asked you to we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I was afraid of this… afraid of what the distance would truly do to us,” Ryan uttered into the phone.

“Ryan, it’s not the distance! I know you and Lauren hooked up last year and you dated her. She’s familiar territory. I’m like this because I’m in love with you and I don’t want to lose you to someone else.” The thought of him slipping out of my hands and into Lauren’s stabbed me in the heart.

“I figured you knew. No wonder…” he sighed. “I guess I messed up again. I should have told you.”

“Well, put it this way, you just confirmed what I thought I knew,” I whispered. “I wish you would’ve just been honest about what happened between you two. I’m just left here to speculate.”

“What do you want to know?” he scoffed. “I’m sorry. We should’ve talked about this, but I didn’t think it was a big deal, so either you trust me or you don’t.”

“Ryan, I trust you!” I said, hoping he’d believe me. “But how could you think it wasn’t a big deal for me when you know you’re working on a romantic movie with some actress you screwed before? You never even told me about her,” I reminded him.

He tried to interrupt but I spoke over him. I needed to get this all off my chest.

“You have to realize, all of these little, undisclosed secrets are what tears trust apart! Give me reasons to trust you, not reasons to distrust you, Ryan.”

“Taryn, I said I’m sorry. I should’ve been honest about it, but I was afraid you would be angry and I didn’t want to fight about it, so I didn’t say anything. Now I’ve just made it worse.”

I didn’t want to push the issue any further. I hoped he got my point about honesty.

“Do you love me?” I asked.

Ryan sighed. “With all my heart.”

“Then I trust you,” I vowed.

“Do you really?” he questioned harshly. “Then can you explain to me why Kyle is in Miami?”

I was momentarily stunned from hearing Kyle’s name come out of his mouth again.

“What do you mean Kyle is in Miami?” I retorted. “When did you see him?”

“He was on location with us this morning, Tar,” Ryan growled. “Why is he here?”

“I have no idea why he’s there,” I defended, trying to decipher Ryan’s line of questioning.

“You better not be lying to me, Taryn!” he stated forcefully.

“Ryan, I swear – I’m not lying! I have no idea why he’s there.”

“When was the last time you saw him?” he asked.

I thought about it for a moment. “When he came to give me that mace and stuff a week ago, and I told you about that. I’ve told you every time he’s ever come around here. I’m not the one keeping secrets.”

“Swear to me that you didn’t know about him coming down here,” Ryan breathed desperately.

“Ryan, I swear on my life that I have no idea why he is there.”

“He irks the shit out of me. I don’t know why he’s here, but I’m going to find out,” he said authoritatively.

There was a long pause until Ryan broke the silence.

“Taryn, I don’t want to fight with you. I am just frustrated about…” It was silent again and I didn’t know if I should say anything or let him talk.

A million thoughts rushed through my mind. He is frustrated with me and my insecurities. He is frustrated that I didn’t come to the Oscars. He is frustrated that I lost his unborn baby.

I mindlessly let the next thought slip out of my mouth to kill the silence.

“You’re frustrated with me,” I stated it, not questioned.

“I’m frustrated with everything, Taryn.”

One single tear dripped down my cheek.

Chapter 33 - Crushed