It’s a funny thing that happens when you feel like you have nothing else to lose. Everything that you say cuts right to the chase. No more taking time to deliberate, think about how to cushion your words. Because you don’t give a flying f**k what someone thinks anymore.

Eyes locked, me and the drug dealing boss stare at each other for long minutes, neither one of us cracking, not a flinch between us. Then he stands and what looks like a real smile crosses his face and he chuckles while he shakes his head. “I really like you kid. You’re either crazier than I thought you were, or you got balls made of titanium.” He slips the sunglasses from where they are hooked on his shirt and positions them over his eyes. “Think it might be a little of both.” He pauses. “So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m not gonna kill your mother. I give you my word on that.” His smile widens. “But I’m gonna cut off a few fingers, maybe even some toes just for the fun of it. Then I’m gonna blind her. And f**k her up so badly that she’ll wish she was dead. But she won’t be. She’ll live. And the burden for taking care of the mess that remains every day for the rest of her life…that’ll be on you.”

My hands ball into fists at my sides and I watch his eyes drop to see I’m just about to blow. The taller guy stands and moves to his side, a silent declaration of support. “But like I said kid, I like you. And I don’t want that to happen. So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna place some big bets. And you’re gonna lose that fight next week.” He nods his head. “Then we’ll call it even.”

One hand on his waistband, holding what’s beneath his shirt, he walks to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “Got that?”

And then they’re gone.

Chapter 48

Liv

I don’t want to cry anymore. Sitting on the couch with Ally, I rehash everything in my head for the thousandth time, only this time I speak my thoughts aloud. Finally. Two days curled up in the fetal position alternating between crying and sleeping scared her. Scared me. I feel bad for making her worry. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought losing a man would affect me so profoundly. Although Vinny’s not any man, and the loss affects me deeply. I finally own up to why.

“I’m in love with him, Ally.” A trail of dried tears stains my face, my eyes puffy and nose Rudolph red against my pale skin. Perhaps the well has run dry, I’m ready to talk now, words without tears.

“It really took you this long to figure that out?” she questions, half joking. I guess deep down I knew it all along, only I was afraid to admit it. Afraid I would get hurt again if I gave him my heart. Irony is a funny thing.

“I’m not even sure where I went wrong. It started off innocently enough. I admit, at first the thought of trading his story for my dream job was tempting. May have even thought I could do it, I wanted the job so damn badly. But the more time I spent with him, the harder I fell. Then I talked myself into things to avoid dealing with it. For a while there, I actually had myself believing it wasn’t true. That I could be the superhero, prove the truth to the paper, kill the story, and get the guy in the end.”

I laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to even say the words aloud. “By the time I finally admitted to myself that the story was true, I couldn’t bring myself to crush him by telling him what I was assigned to do. Every day it just got harder to come clean, yet I fell deeper at the same time.”

“You need to tell him, Liv.”

I smile at my best friend. She’s always there for me, I appreciate she’s trying to help. But she didn’t see him. That ship has sailed. “I wish it was that easy, Ally.”

“So what are you going to do, sit here and let him walk out of your life? Again.”

“I don’t know, Al, I’m not sure there is anything I can do at this point to change things. You didn’t see him.”

***

After another restless night of sleep, I wake feeling like a freight train ran me over. Then backed up. And ran me over again. Physical ailing aside, at least morning brings me some semblance of clarity.

“Morning, sunshine.” Ally smiles at me as she retrieves her toast from the toaster, burning her finger in the process. Bringing her finger to her mouth, her usual first aid treatment, she asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap.”

She smiles. “You look like crap too.”

Leave it to Ally to make me laugh. “Thanks, friend.”

“No problem.” She grabs out a plate and tosses her half burnt toast in the general vicinity. “Want me to make you toast?”

“Ummm…no thanks. I’ll get something on my way.”

She arches her eyebrows in surprise. “You’re going out?”

“I’m going to see Delilah.”

“Vince’s mother?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

Pouring my morning coffee into a to go cup, I head toward the door. “I have no idea. I just need to talk to her.”

***

I manage to find my way back to Delilah’s, which is a feat, considering I’ve only been there once and my propensity for getting lost. She looks exhausted and stressed, although after hearing Vinny talk about her, I’m grateful that she seems to be sober.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course, is everything okay?” Stepping aside, Delilah looks past me, expecting someone to be with me.

“Everything’s fine. Well, no. That’s not true. Everything isn’t fine. Vinny is fine. Well, I mean he isn’t hurt or anything,” I stammer. Nice job playing it cool, Olivia, real cool. I mentally roll my eyes at myself.

“I know what you mean.” Her shoulders slump in defeat. “He was here earlier.”

Jesus, I hadn’t even thought of that. What if I’d come by and he was here, or walked in while I was sitting talking to his mother? I’m not even sure why I’ve come…there’s no way I could have explained myself to him. Surely he’d think I was working, trying to glam more for my story.

“Is he upset?”

“Angry. He’s very angry.” Tears well up in her eyes. “All I’ve ever done to that boy was let him down. I just know I’m going to lose him for what I’ve gotten him into this time.”

“I’m afraid I’ve lost him already.” I look at his frail mother. Time has not been kind. She looks older than her years, not healthy, way too thin. We come from different places, yet the two of us have a bond in the moment. Two women, loving and hurting the same man. A lone tear falls, I don’t have the energy to even try to stop it. I’m just so emotionally drained.