“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that sometimes I think you wished you never found out that I was faking it.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Dammit, Gavin. Be honest with me!”

Gavin clenched his fists. “You want honesty? Fine. Yes, goddammit. I wish I’d never found out that my wife had treated our entire marriage like one long pity fuck!”

Oh, you coddle-woppled worm fart. That was too far, mate. I can’t save you on that one.

“Pity fuck?” Thea reared back as if he’d slapped her. “I don’t know who that’s more insulting to, Gavin, you or me, but my body is not a charity. I don’t fuck anyone unless I want to. Even my husband.”

Regret was a sour taste in his mouth. “That’s not—that’s not what I meant, Thea.”

Thea shook her head and spoke with a sadness that gutted him. “You broke my heart, Gavin.”

Gavin’s chest caved in on itself. He crossed the room and gripped her shoulders. “Let me fix it.”

“I can’t go back to where we were, Gavin. To who I was. I can’t.”

“I don’t w-w-want that, either. I want to move forward.”

She hugged herself. “I don’t know if I believe you.”

Gavin spun and stormed to the console table by the door. He grabbed his keys and his wallet and then shoved his feet into his shoes.

“Where are you going?” Thea asked breathlessly.

“I need to clear my head.”

“You’re leaving?”

He threw open the door and stomped out.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Gavin drove straight to the community rec field. He was going to break into the goddamn park and hit some balls until his hands bled and the pain of the cuts overpowered the bleeding, gaping wound in his chest.

He pointed his car to the batting cage at the front of the diamond and left his headlights on. From his trunk, he pulled out his duffel bag with his bat and the dozen or so baseballs that were always rattling around in there.

With a strong toss, he heaved the duffel bag over the top of the fence. Then, with a running start, he made easy work of climbing the fence until he dropped to the other side. If he got caught, fuck it. What were they going to do? Write him a ticket? Arrest him? Jail would be a blessing.

Gavin dug out the first ball and his bat. He tossed the ball in the air and swung. The bat connected with a satisfying whack and sent the ball flying into the net at the other end.

Another followed. And then a third. Gavin shoved up his sleeves. You broke my heart, Gavin. A fourth ball joined its brothers at the end of the batting cage.

I don’t know if I believe you. He hit the fifth ball so hard that it bounced back immediately and nearly took out his kneecap. Just to get back at it, he hit it again and told it to fuck off.

That felt so good that he did it again with ball number six. By ball seven, he stopped cursing and started talking directly to Thea.

“You broke my heart too,” he grumbled. Then whack. The ball flew into the net. “You’re not the only one.”

Ball eight went flying. “You threw me out!”

Ball nine hit the net. “Do you know how that feels?”

Ball ten nearly broke at the seams. “What the hell was I supposed to do?”

A pompous British accent answered in the dark. You were supposed to fight for her.

Ball eleven nearly punched a hole in the cage. “She asked me to leave!”

She was testing you.

“That’s bullshit.” Ball twelve damn near broke his bat.

Why did you move into the guest room?

Gavin stomped to the net and started throwing balls back.

Avoiding the question, I see.

“I don’t answer to you, Lord Chest Hair.” He picked up his bat again.

You wanted to punish her.

“She lied to me for three years,” Gavin growled, whacking another ball.

But that’s not what you were punishing her for.

Whack. Another ball.

You blamed her for ripping the rosy veil off your marriage.

“Bullshit.”

For forcing you to deal with something you didn’t want to deal with.

“Fuck off.”

Because you were afraid of the truth.

“Fuck. YOU.”

Gavin abandoned the bat and began whipping balls to the other end of the cage until there were none left to throw, nothing left to hit. Panting, sweating, he bent and braced his hands on his knees.

Thea was right. Lord Tight Pants was right. The entire fucking book club was right.

He was faking it. He’d been faking it for months before that night. Pretending everything was okay between them when it clearly wasn’t because it was easier than facing the truth—that they were growing apart, that he was losing her. And he was still pretending, thinking he could win her back with a book and a romantic kiss and date nights, that he could fix things without actually addressing what was broken, because that was easy.

Because that required nothing of him.

No soul searching. No examinations of his own behavior. No bloody inconvenient epiphanies like the one that was making his stomach churn right now.

She’s starting school again, and she doesn’t need you. Not unless you give her a reason to trust . . .

Gavin grabbed the balls and stuffed them back in his bag. He was covered in dirt and sweat, and there was a rip in one elbow of his shirt. His tires spun in the gravel parking lot as he peeled out. The house was dark when he pulled back into the driveway. No porch light. No blue glow from the TV. No yellow warmth illuminating the bedroom curtain. Gavin leapt over the stairs onto the porch with a loud thud and threw open the door.

Gavin took the stairs two at a time. Her door was shut. If it was locked, he’d know he was truly fucked. He grasped the handle. Leaned his forehead against the wood.

Please don’t be locked.

The knob turned beneath his fingers.

Thank fucking God.

The room was pitch black, but he could make out two forms on the bed. One had a giant, fluffy tail and was way too comfortable on Gavin’s side of the bed. The other, hidden beneath the thick comforter, rolled over quickly at the intrusion.

“I—I’m home,” he said dumbly.

“Fine,” was her quiet response.

Gavin snapped his fingers at Butter, who moved to the foot of the bed with a put-upon sigh. Yeah, yeah. You at least get to sleep in the same bed with her. Thea sat up straight, a protest ready on her lips.

“I want to tell you something,” he said, cutting her off.

“Gavin, I’m tired of this. I can’t do this.”

He rounded the bed to her side and lowered to his knees. “Wh-when I was in high school, I had a crush on this girl. She w-was pretty and popular. I finally got the courage to ask her out, and she laughed at me. Made fun of my stutter right to my face.”

“Gavin, I’m sorry, but—”

“It gets worse. About a w-w-week later, a list started going around school. Top Ten Guys Most in Need of a . . .” He stopped to swallow against the bile of remembered humiliation. “A pity fuck. I was listed number one. She was the girl behind it.”

Thea rubbed her temples.

“Thea, I’ve never been confident about sex. I was . . . I was a late bloomer. I didn’t lose my virginity until college. And there’s always been—” He sucked in a shaky breath. “I’ve always had a fear that I was the one who was most in love in this marriage.”

“Gavin,” she breathed, eyes softening.

“I’ve always feared that you wouldn’t have married me, that I wouldn’t have been able to keep you, if you hadn’t gotten pregnant.”

Her hands fisted in his shirt. “How can you think that?”

“So, yes, there is a part of me that w-wishes I didn’t know you’d been faking it with me, because then I could keep pretending we were fine. That I wasn’t losing you.”

A tear leaked down her cheek.

“I was pretending that we could just move forward like nothing happened, but that’s not fair to you. Or to me, either, I guess.”

Thea swung her legs off the bed and tugged him closer. Which was as good an encouragement as any. He was officially going for broke. Gavin dropped his forehead to her knees. “I’m at your mercy, Thea. From the moment I first saw you, I have been half a man, because you’ve always held the other half of me.”

“Gavin . . .” His name came out scratchy, as if she was suddenly finding it as difficult to breathe as he was.

Gavin raised his gaze to hers. “End my agony, Thea. I beg you.”

His heart bounced like a grounder at second base as he waited for her to move. Indecision and longing ebbed and flowed between them with each mingled pant of their breaths. Inch by aching inch, she lowered her mouth toward his. Her breathing became erratic as her fingers encircled his straining biceps.

Gavin rose and pushed her gently onto the bed. Thea sank into her pillow, opened her mouth wide, and something released in his chest. A rush of oxygen and elation flooded his veins, a heady cocktail of relief and lust.

He hadn’t kissed his wife like this in so long, and he wasn’t talking about the passionate kisses he planted on her the past couple of weeks. He hadn’t kissed her this way in longer than he could remember. It was lazy and hot, with the comfort of familiarity but the thrill of newness. Her hands were in his hair. Her leg on his hip. Her breasts pressed against his chest. Even their wild kisses earlier tonight hadn’t come close to this simple intimacy. He poured apology and promises into every nudge and dip of his mouth, and he tasted the first hint of acceptance in return.

His body burned to shed their clothes and bury himself deep inside her. But he knew neither of them were ready. Their marriage wasn’t ready. They were on the verge of something new between them. Something better than before. He wasn’t going to risk it just to serve the needs of his body.

Especially since he still wasn’t sure he could serve the needs of hers. And any failure now would set them back to a place he never wanted to return. Not when he knew there were moments like this ahead of them.