“I love you, Thea. I’ve tried to find other w-ways to tell you because you didn’t want to hear the exact words, but maybe the problem is you just don’t want to hear them at all.”

A breathlessness took hold of her voice. Her thinking. “You’re trying to confuse things, equate things that aren’t connected. I am not going to have that conversation right now.”

“That conversation is everything!” Gavin gripped her shoulders. “Tell me you love me.”

A sob choked her throat.

“Why can’t you say it, Thea? After everything we’ve been through. Do you love me or not?”

“I . . . I don’t trust you.”

Gavin made a garbled noise and grabbed his hair as he turned away from her. After a moment, he faced her again, a resigned slump to his shoulders. “What do you want, Thea?”

“I want honesty.”

“You lied to me for three years. Don’t talk to me about honesty.”

“That’s not fair.” It was a weak response. A desperate response. An I have no other defense response.

“Maybe it’s time you started being honest with yourself.”

“I have been honest with myself. That’s why I finally asked you to leave! Why I’m going back to school.”

“That’s surface-level bullshit, Thea.” He laughed, shook his head, and pointed. “And those are not my words. It’s what Del said to me when I refused to do what needed to be done. But I have now. I’ve done everything I can. But I can’t be the only one doing the work.”

He sidestepped her and walked out. His soft footsteps faded down the hallway toward their bedroom.

Fear and pettiness rose and grabbed the mic. Thea stomped after him. “You’re going to walk away from this? Why am I not surprised?”

She stopped and caught her breath when she saw him toss his suitcase on the bed.

“You already packed,” she said.

“For New York.”

“What are you doing?” she whispered.

“The one thing that scares me the most,” he said, walking to his dresser. “The thing I swore I’d never be able to do, w-which means it’s the thing I absolutely have to do.”

He pulled a stack of clothes from the top drawer and carried them back to the bed. “I’m leaving you.”

“Of course you are,” Thea snapped, but the venom of her voice was just a cover for the way her heart was breaking. “Because that’s what you do. You leave.”

Gavin didn’t take the bait. He calmly zipped his suitcase and hefted it off the bed. “No, I don’t. That’s your father. And I am not your father.”

“Gavin . . .” The beseeching tone was hers now.

He paused in the doorway but wouldn’t look at her. “Backstory is everything, Thea. Dig into yours. Maybe then we’ll have a chance.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

A half hour after Gavin left, Thea returned to her old lying ways. She told the girls that Daddy had to go to New York for a photo shoot and would be back in time for Christmas.

Then she brewed a cup of coffee she didn’t want, pushed down the emotions she didn’t want to feel, and pretended everything was fine.

It all went to shit when she heard a key in the door. Heart racing, Thea leapt from the couch and raced into the hallway. “Gavin—”

Liv stood in the entryway. “It’s me.”

The girls, who’d been coloring on the floor in the living room, raced toward her like they always did. The raw sting of betrayal, guilt, and old-fashioned heartbreak brought a sharp whip to Thea’s voice. “Did you forget something?”

Liv extracted herself from the girls. “No.”

“So, you’re here to rub it in? Say I told you so?”

“No. I’m here because Gavin texted me and said you might need me.”

Thea’s entire body jolted. She squashed the reaction and turned toward the kitchen. “I don’t.”

“Thea, I’m sorry,” Liv said, following.

“For what?” Thea mindlessly walked to the coffeepot just to have something to do.

“This is my fault.”

“Nope. Not your fault.”

“Look,” Liv said, moving forward. “Maybe I was wrong. Texting me was a pretty decent thing to do.”

Thea scoffed. “Now you think he’s decent? You’ve spent the past two months convincing me he was an irredeemable asshole.”

“I’m sorry.” Liv’s voice and expression were sincere, and they had the effect of dousing the petty rage controlling Thea’s words. “Is he coming back?”

“I-I don’t know.”

Liv rushed forward. “I’m sorry, Thea. I was just so afraid of, of losing you the way I lose everyone else. I’m sorry, Thea. I’m so sorry.”

Thea hugged her sister. “It’s not your fault.”

Liv slung an arm around Thea’s shoulders, and Thea let her. “Want to eat ice cream and watch Golden Girls?”

No, not really, but Thea said yes anyway. Because the thing she wanted to do even less was sit alone and listen for the sound of his car returning and realize that she finally understood another one of Gran Gran’s sayings.

A lonely marriage is the worst kind of lonely there is.

Thea felt as alone now as she’d ever felt in her life.

* * *

• • •

 Gavin spent a long, dark night on one of the couches in Mack’s basement because it seemed fitting to have this whole thing end the same place it began.

Well, and because no one else would let him stay. Del and Yan both said he needed to face this one alone, Malcolm had other plans, and there was no way he was going to the Russian’s house. Who knew what digestive horrors awaited there?

Mack had let him in, handed him a bottle of whiskey and a blanket, and told him he’d cut off his balls if Gavin threw up anywhere but in the toilet.

Now he was awake, the bottle of whiskey unopened and untouched on the coffee table, and a pair of eyes he didn’t recognize were staring openly as if he were an exhibit in a zoo.

“Are you sick?” The little girl had dark pigtails and clutched a pink stuffed rabbit. “Uncle Mack says you’re sick.”

Gavin cleared his throat. It felt like sandpaper. How was it possible to have a hangover without alcohol? “Uncle Mack?”

“Yeah, he’s my uncle.”

“And you are?”

“Lucy.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Lucy put her hand on his forehead. “You don’t have a fever. Your breath is kind of stinky, though.”

Despite the clanging in his head and the empty cavern where his heart used to be, Gavin managed to crack a smile. “I’m sure it is.”

“Uncle Mack told me to give you this.” She pulled a green apple from the pocket of her sweatshirt.

Gavin puffed out a laugh. “Where is Uncle Mack?”

“Upstairs with my mommy and daddy and my sisters.”

The clanging in his head became a jackhammer as a stream of sunlight broke through the blinds to the French doors that led to the backyard and pool. “Well,” Gavin said, sitting. “Thank you for my apple. Would you ask Uncle Mack to come downstairs?”

“Okay!” Lucy skipped away, leaving Gavin with a spiking panic that he’d been too rash yesterday. That he should have turned around and gone back the instant he left. That he should have just begged for forgiveness. But he couldn’t do that. Not anymore.

Thudded footsteps on the stairs announced Mack. He rounded the corner and smirked. “You alive?”

“I didn’t drink anything.”

Mack raised an eyebrow. “Wow. You have changed.”

Gavin dry washed his face. “I didn’t know you have a niece.”

“I have several. My brother’s kids.”

“Didn’t know you have a brother, either.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Gavin acknowledged that with a nod. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“When does your plane leave?”

Right. New York. As if he cared about any of that right now. “Couple of hours.”

Mack dropped into a game chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Leaving was a bold move, Gav.”

“Del didn’t seem to think so.”

“Well, you did sort of violate the number one rule.”

“Don’t talk about book club?”

Mack looked sideways. “OK, the number two rule.”

“Don’t let the Russian shit in your bathroom?”

“You weren’t supposed to re-create the book, smart-ass. We told you that.”

Gavin stared at the apple in his hand. “However this turns out, I w-w-want you to know that I appreciate everything you and the guys have done.”

He was a different man than he’d been before book club. He recognized his own faults and shortcomings. He was more confident in expressing himself. And, yeah, he was a better lover.

But it still wasn’t enough. Love isn’t enough.

“What’s your next move?” Mack asked, standing.

“I have to catch a plane. After that, I have no idea.”

The ball was in Thea’s court. All he could do was wait.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Thea awoke in the guest bed. Her neck was stiff from the awkward position she’d slept in because she’d fallen asleep reading. All night she dreamed in Regency England, but the people were real.

And when she woke, so was the shame.

“You want coffee?”

Thea glanced over her shoulder. Liv stood in the doorway. “Sure.”

Liv wandered in and sat down on the bed. “What are you doing in here?”

Thea stood and walked to the window. “You know what I did all night?”

“Smashed the wall?”

Thea managed a laugh. “No. I thought about Mom.”