He struggled to catch his breath, unable to believe the things he’d just told Elliot. Unable to comprehend the truth in them. That’s why he struggled to open up, and that’s part of the reason he feared putting himself out there to them, freely showing how he felt. Yes, he feared needing them, but there was more to it than that.  He’d failed those he loved before, and he couldn’t handle failing Josiah and Mateo.

“I have to go.” It was Tristan who tripped up this time as he walked backward.

“Don’t. We’re finally getting somewhere, Tristan. Talk this out with me. Have you told Josiah and Mateo your fear?”

The word fear cut through him. He didn’t want to be afraid. He thought of Mateo, and realized that fear wasn’t the enemy. Mateo had been scared, but he’d also not let it get in the way of protecting what was his. It was the kind of man Tristan wanted to be for them.

“I have to go,” Tristan said again, only he didn’t move. Elliot breathed heavily as he stood across from him. The corners of his eyes creased, wrinkled as he studied Tristan. He was here because of Josiah. Tristan understood that, but there was something else in his eyes. This mattered to him. And maybe it was only because of Josiah that it did, because they were friends, but that didn’t change the fact.

And in walking away, he was letting someone else down. Elliot. How did he feel about that? He didn’t love Elliot. He appreciated the man, but that was where their relationship ended. Still, it was just someone else he failed, or let down, the same way he did Josiah, Mateo and his mom.  His throat felt locked up and his chest ached. He was so fucking tired of doing this. Of not being the man he wanted to be.

“I can’t stay, but...but I’ll be here early tomorrow, if you can make it.” It was an extra day. They didn’t usually speak two days in a row, but that’s all Tristan had in him to give right now. Elliot nodded yes, and it was the release that Tristan needed.

He turned, heading back for his car. He counted his steps instead of his pulse, because he thought maybe he could breathe again when he reached his car. Each step was one closer.

Tristan slammed the BMW door behind himself, Elliot’s words, the knowledge he probably always knew but hadn’t admitted, still hammering into him. He struggled to tell them he loved them because he feared the words would secure that he’d let them down. Maybe he even feared their love because it meant the same. He’d failed his mother. He’d failed Ben.

Tristan sat up and pulled the phone from his glove box. It had been too long since he called New York, too long since he’d been proactive.

“Shit’s going down here, man,” his contact said rather than hello. “I don’t know what’s going on with Los Deminos but it’s like they’re fucking exploding or something. Someone is taking them out.”

“Who?” Tristan asked.

“Fuck if I know. There’s a target on their back from somewhere. There’s even been some OG’s taken out, who fell out of the game.”

Tristan fought the urge to break the phone in his hand at that. Mateo was far removed. This wouldn’t hurt him.

“Javier?”

“He’s still around. Hell, the way it’s lookin’, you won’t even need me to handle him. If you want your own revenge or whatever the fuck you’re looking for, you need to take action, otherwise someone will do it for you. And I’m tellin’ you, he really isn’t someone you want to fuck around with. There’s this boy of mine, been out of the game like ten years or some shit. He used to be a Demon, real close to Javier. He just fuckin’ dropped off the radar. I ran up on him, and he was freaked the fuck out. Been in hiding for years. He has some kind of shit on Javier. Fucker’s too damn weak to speak up, though.”

Ten years? Mateo would have been with Javier at the time. Josiah could have been there as well. “Find out. I don’t care what it costs, you find that information for me.”

If the man knew something that could somehow hurt Mateo and Josiah, Tristan needed to know about it. He owed his men that. If something was wrong, he needed to be able to help them. “I’ll be in touch more frequently. I want to know what your contact knows.”

There was a part of him who cringed at what he was doing, who felt wrong for it. Was he becoming what he hated? Would he become the same kind of man who hurt his mom or the men he loved? No, that wasn’t it. He also needed to be able to protect his men. He needed to protect the three of them, the way Mateo had always protect Josiah. He couldn’t fail them.