When I didn’t think it could get much worse for me, she grabbed my hand and forced it up her shirt and pressed my palm against her hard nipple. I was so totally wrong about it getting worse.

“I want you, Devin,” she whispered in my ear.

I sat up quickly and snatched my hand back like a rattle snake was nestled inside her shirt.

Why did she have to say things like that to me? I pulled her shirt down and then mine while lying back beside her.

“I think I should probably just go home, Lil. Dad’s got tons of work for me to do tomorrow and I’m gonna to need to be there early,” I said quickly, stumbling through all the words. “You gonna walk me to the door?” I tried to act unaffected.

Holy shit I was affected; about to cum in pants affected, which is just crazy because all I did was touch her tit like some fourteen-year-old copping a feel.

“Don’t leave me, please,” she whispered. “You always leave when we get to this part and I…I just don’t think I can…”She stopped.

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t think I can stand another night alone in this bed, especially with you on my mind. You always leave me like this and I can’t do it anymore, Devin. You’re making me crazy, mentally and especially physically. I just need to know, is there a reason you keep stopping this? Is it me?” I watched her throat work up and down as she swallowed hard. “I know I’m not a skinny girl and I promise to be understanding. Just tell me the truth, are you not attracted to me sexually? I can take it, you know. I’d prefer the honesty.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She thought I didn’t want her. She thought I wasn’t attracted to her. She had no idea of the list of sexual things my body begged me to do to her.

How do you tell the woman who haunts your dreams every night that you can’t have sex with her, ever? No matter how much I fantasized about it, no matter how badly I wanted to rip her clothes off and bury myself deep inside of her, I couldn’t.  I wanted to connect my body with hers in a way that only the deepest parts of my soul could understand.  I was in agony, and it fucking sucked.

How do I tell her that the reason I won’t have her is because it would be wrong? It was wrong because the whole relationship started out as a lie. Technically, it still was a lie. Even though over the last couple of weeks Lilly had beat down every metaphorical wall I had and was now wrapped tightly around my heart, I was still taking her mother’s money. I was still lying to her.

There’s no way she’d ever understand how I felt. She’d never do this to another person. Her heart’s too good for mine. She’s too good for me.

“I guess I just got my answer,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I asked you if it was me and you didn’t say anything,” she sighed loudly. “Go ahead and go, I won’t be upset, I promise.”

She turned her back to me and curled up on her side like she was about to go to sleep.

“Please make sure and lock the door before you leave.”

I was making her unhappy, and I hated it. I kept screwing things up so bad. Maybe that was why my mom left me. Maybe I was too fucked up for her to love me, just like I’m too fucked up for Lilly.

Fucked up or not, I refused to give in. I refused to take her first time away from her like that. It should be special and not with a man who’s being paid to be near her.

Leaving her that way was probably the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I’d never be able to tell her that. As much as I wanted to be completely honest with Lilly, she could never know how this all started.

It’s not that she wouldn’t understand, it’s more than that. I know that if she ever found out, it would kill her. To find out that her mother plotted behind her back, to find out that I would’ve never noticed her had it not been for her mother’s money, and knowing how much she despised money, I don’t think she’d ever be the same. I never want to hurt her that bad.

I slipped closer behind her, spooning her and taking in all her warmth. I just wanted to hold her for a minute before I left. Every time I leave her it always feels like it’s the last time I’ll ever see her. Deep down I know it’s the guilt.

She pressed her ass against me and then started to grind against my crotch.

“You can’t keep doing that,” I whispered hoarsely in her ear.

That must have done something to her because before I knew it, she had rolled over to face me and was reaching down the front of my pants grabbing and stroking me. Like a girl freaking out on a handsy guy, I grabbed her arm and tried to pull her hand away from my cock.