“Yes, baby. That’s right, let it out.” He strained above me.

Then he was cursing himself.

He sped up which only intensified my release. I barely heard him saying something and making his own noises when finally, he let out a loud growling noise. His body jerked as he slammed himself hard and deep into me. Then everything stopped.

He held onto me like his life depended on it and I felt his whole entire body shaking. My legs were shuttering like crazy as a few more ripples of pleasure rolled through me.

We were breathing like we had just run a marathon. He lifted is face from my neck and a tiny bead of sweat dripped from his forehead and landed on my chest. Time stopped as he stared down at me like it was the first time he’d ever seen my face. He studied my face so critically that I was beginning to wonder if I’d transformed into someone else during my orgasm. I sure as Hell felt like a new woman.

He stayed on top of me and inside for a few seconds longer, before finally pulling away. I instantly felt his loss and I wanted to hold him to me, but instead he jumped up and started putting on his clothes. Suddenly, I felt too exposed and the embarrassment started to set in. I grabbed at my blanket to cover myself.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” I asked when he grabbed for his shoes.

“I said I needed to stop!” He growled at me and it made me jump.

He had never yelled at me and now he was mad. How could he be so mad after something so wonderful had just happened? I still felt tiny hints of spasm and delight and yet he was standing in front of me putting on his clothes like there was a fire and yelling at me.

“I’m sorry, I…,” I started.

“What if I’ve knocked you up?” He jerked his shirt over his head. “I said I didn’t have a condom, but you just kept pushing me to keep going!”

“But, Devin, I can’t…,” he cut me off again.

“Do you think I wanna get stuck with you like that?” He pointed at me and I caught his disgusted face as he bent down to tie his shoes.

In that moment a tiny piece of me died.

Pain shot through me, his words cutting so deeply that I was positive I was bleeding to death.

I didn’t even have time to tell him that it was impossible for me to get pregnant before he grabbed his keys and ran out my bedroom. I heard the front door opening and then I heard it slam shut… just like my heart.

I’d never in my life felt so used and disgusting. The look in his eyes at the thought of being “stuck” with me, it was tragic. Here I was, spilling my heart to him and giving myself to him in every way I could, and he was obviously pushing me away the entire time. I threw myself at him, and a man’s a man, they can only turn it away for so long, right?

He didn’t want me, but I was there and I was ready and what kind of stupid asshole would turn down a wet and ready female?

I fell back into my pillows and cried like I hadn’t cried since I was fifteen. I cried like it was freshman year all over again and I was being ridiculed for being the fat kid. I cried like I swore I’d never cry again and I made a promise to myself in that moment that this would really be the last time. I was done, done with everyone, especially Devin. I would never let myself get this hurt again. Never!

Nineteen

Heartbroken Heartbreaker

It had been three days since I last saw or spoke to Lilly and I was miserable. I missed her. I’ve never really missed anyone before, well except my mom, but I think the hate I had for her got me through. I don’t hate Lilly. I love her. I can say that to myself now. I’m in love with Lilly and it fucking sucks.

I don’t know why I freaked out on her like I did, I wasn’t even mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because for the first time in my life I lost control with a woman. I’ve never in my life done that. My only excuse is that sex with Lilly was amazing. She was amazing.

Every time I closed my eyes I could still see her squirming beneath me with her eyes closed and her mouth open in pleasure. I could still hear her moaning my name and panting as she, for the first time, experienced an orgasm, an orgasm that I gave her with my body. Just thinking about it got me turned on and so for almost two days I walked around rock hard daydreaming about Lilly. I hadn’t jacked off that much since I was thirteen.

I was in the middle of one of those daydreams while trying to change the oil in a little four-door Honda, which reminded me of Lilly, when, like a dumbass, I was suddenly covered in all the old oil that was inside the car.

“Damn!” I pulled myself from under the car to find my dad laughing down at me.