“I wasn’t drowning anything, just having a few with my favorite cousin. So, how’s Aunt Peggy?” I changed the subject quickly.

“She’s OK, I guess, same ole mom. How’s Uncle Herald and Jenny? She still a ball buster?”

We continued to catch up. I never mentioned the fact that we were about to lose everything and I never said anything Lilly, even though she stayed on my mind the entire time.

I couldn’t help but wonder if she was OK. Did I hurt her? Does she hate me? Fuck it. I hope she hates me! Maybe it will make it easier to let her go. This bipolar inner monologue continued for hours.

I checked my phone constantly to see if I had any missed calls. I wanted her to call so bad, but at the same time I hoped she wouldn’t. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and beg for her forgiveness, but I could never speak to her again. It was that simple.

That night, while sleeping on Alex’s horrible broken down couch, I had another nightmare about Lilly turning into my mother and leaving me. I woke up at two in the morning more hell bent on cutting all ties with Lilly than I was before I went to sleep. It would be hard to do. When I told Lilly that I was addicted to her, it was the truth, but she was one habit I was determined to break.

Twenty

Flashbacks

“Lil, what’s up with you?” Shannon asked.

“Nothing I’m just tired.” I rolled back over to attempt to go back to sleep.

After Devin literally loved me and left me, I cried, got angry, took a shower to wash away the disgust, and then I got in my bed where I had been ever since.

“Mrs. Franklin’s really worried about you, Lil. You never miss work, and if I’m being honest, if you don’t start eating soon, I’m going to call your mother.”

“Please don’t torture me more by calling her. I’ll eat in a while. I just really need some sleep.”

She said something else, but I just ignored her and went back to sleep. When I opened my eyes again it was dark outside. Someone was ringing my doorbell and banging on my door like a crazy person. I kept waiting for Shannon to answer it, but apparently she wasn’t there.

I wrapped my blanket around myself and dragged ass to the front door. I slung it open and was surprised to see Jenny standing there.

“Dayum! You look like ass, Lil. Are you sick?”

“No. I’m just tired. Is something wrong?”

The minute I saw her standing there I thought instantly of Devin. I suddenly had a horrible thought about something bad happening to him. Even though his name was like fire in my throat I had to ask.

“Are Dad and Devin OK?”

“Oh yeah, everyone’s fine. Dad’s at home and Dev went to Florida.”

Oh my God! Did he move to Florida? Am I really never going to see him again?

I started to panic.

“For good?” The words squeaked out.

“Hell no! He just went to visit our cousin, Alex. He should be back in two days.”

I was pissed at myself for being so relieved.

“Well, what’s up?”

“I got a date!” She squealed like an actual teenage girl.

“What? Come in, come in! Tell me everything!”

I pulled her into my apartment and for the first time in days I felt normal as she proceeded to tell me about this guy named Justin who asked her to the school dance.

“I know its last minute, but could you please help me get dressed. I have no idea what to do,” she shrugged innocently.

“I’d love to! Call Dad and make sure it’s OK for you to sleep over and then we can spend all day tomorrow shopping and getting you ready. What time is Justin picking you up?”

“He’ll be at my house at six.”

Jenny called and of course Dad was OK with her crashing at my place for the night. Shannon came home soon after that. We had Chinese delivered and then spent the night watching chick flicks. I tried with all my might not to talk about Devin or much less think about him. I failed horribly at the last part. I kept thinking about his spontaneous trip to Florida and if it had anything to do with me. I kept wondering if he was even thinking about me.

I went to sleep that night feeling a little better. For some reason, Jenny being with me made things easier. It was the next best thing to having Devin there.

The next morning we got up early, had a quick breakfast, and then headed to the mall. This shopping thing was getting more fun every time I went. We got our hair and nails done and finally, when we were about to give up, we found a gorgeous emerald green knee-length dress that Jenny agreed to wear.