We were in science and using the Bunsen burners for the first time. I’d always wondered what they were, but we hadn’t been allowed to touch them until today. I liked the smell of gas when we turned them on, it reminded me of Nana’s old oven. Mr Skinner taught us what to do. Bunsen burners all have a hole and that’s important. When the hole is closed it makes a yellow flame, but when it is open it makes a hot blue flame. Basically, it’s all about combustion. Gas can be dangerous, though, and so can flames obviously, so when I came back from the toilet and saw Kelly holding the flame up close to Taylor’s hair, I had to do something.

They said her nose was broken this time. I don’t even remember doing it really, I just wanted to get her away from Taylor. Mr Skinner pulled me off her and asked what happened and I said I didn’t know. He yelled at me not to lie and that he’d seen me, but I wasn’t lying. All I can remember is Taylor and Kelly’s faces too close together. It was like something just snapped inside of me. I love Taylor. I won’t let anyone hurt her. I didn’t have a choice.

Mr Skinner dragged me by my blazer to the headmistress’s office. I hadn’t been inside of this one yet but I wasn’t scared. They’re all the same and they can’t do anything to me, not really. It was all very dramatic, like I was in a film or something. Except that if it had been a film, I would have been the hero. Instead, because it was real life, I was the bad guy who had to sit on a hard chair in the corridor and wait there while they called Mum.

Taylor appeared with the nurse – she’d bumped her head when I pushed her out of the way to save her. She didn’t look very happy. Her face was all red and puffy from crying, but she was all right, thanks to me. The nurse told her that her mum would be there soon to pick her up. The nurse didn’t say anything to me and neither did Taylor. We’ve never run out of words to say to each other before and it made me feel sad. I asked her if she was all right but she just stared at the floor. I was about to ask her again when she spoke.

‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ she said.

Which I thought was very ungrateful.

‘Why not?’ I asked her.

‘Because you have to use this,’ she said pointing to her head, ‘not these.’ She held up her hands. ‘What do you think they’ll do to me if you’re not here? You’ve ruined everything.’

Her words made me feel sad and cross at the same time. I could see she was upset, so I just kept quiet and stored up my crossness. There was so much inside me that it made a pain in my tummy.

Taylor’s mum arrived and gave Taylor a big hug. I was really worried that she’d be upset with me too, but she gave me a hug as well, so I knew that she still loved me. I think she does love me. Not as much as she loves Taylor, but quite a lot. She asked me if Mum was coming to get me and I said that I didn’t know. Taylor’s mum and my mum don’t really talk any more since the bracelet incident.

Taylor’s mum spoke to the headmistress in her office. We could hear every word through the glass door, which made me think that the PRIVATE sign on the outside was pretty stupid. The school couldn’t get hold of my mum or my dad and in the end they let Taylor’s mum take me home.

Taylor didn’t talk to me as we walked out of the school or as we got in the Volvo or even when we arrived outside my house. Taylor’s mum looked at me in the back seat as though she didn’t understand what I was still doing there, but then I asked her if she could come with me and explain to Mum what happened because I was scared. Her face changed then, like it went all soft and her big green eyes looked sad and kind at the same time. She told Taylor to stay in the car, not that Taylor had even taken her seat belt off, she was just staring out the window. She didn’t even say goodbye.

Taylor’s mum followed me up the path and knocked on the door, the doorbell hasn’t worked for a while. When nobody came I looked up at her and she smiled down at me. She’s so pretty and kind and her outfits always match as though the clothes she wears are meant to be worn together. She knocked again. Then when nobody came, she asked if I had my door key. I said I did but told her that I was still scared, which wasn’t even a lie because I was a bit. I knew Mum and Dad would be really angry. I’d also made a promise to Nana that nothing like this would ever happen again. Now that she’s dead, I don’t know whether it means I broke my promise or not.

I called out for Mum once we were inside but nobody answered. Then I saw her. Just her feet at first, sticking out from behind the sofa, as though she was hiding but not doing a very good job. When I got closer, I saw that she wasn’t hiding. She wasn’t moving, her eyes were closed and her face was in a big puddle of sick on the carpet. I screamed for Taylor’s mum because I was genuinely scared. Mum looked like she was dead for real, just like when she was all broken at the bottom of the stairs. There was a horrible smell too. The sick was all down her chin and on her clothes. Taylor’s mum said not to worry and that Mum wasn’t well but would be OK. I had to help her get Mum upstairs, then she told me to go and get Taylor from the car. I could tell Taylor didn’t want to come in but she did. She still wouldn’t talk to me though.

We sat on the sofa and Taylor’s mum told us to put the TV on and to stay downstairs. I turned it on, but neither of us really watched it, the sound was too low to block out the noise coming from above. Taylor’s mum took my mum into the bathroom to clean her up. Mum cried very loudly and then she started shouting all kinds of things.

The three things she shouted that I remember the most are:

1. Fuck you. (She said that a lot.)

2. Get out of my house you bitch. (It’s not her house, it’s Nana’s.)

3. I don’t need your bloody help.

The third one was the silliest of all because clearly she did need help from someone.

I’ve never heard Mum speak to anyone except Dad like that before. She also called Taylor’s mum a snob. A snob is someone who thinks they’re better than you. I don’t think Taylor’s mum thinks that, even though she is a much better person than my mum, she’s the best mum ever. It was a horrid afternoon, but a little secret part of me was pleased because it meant we’d all forgotten about me being suspended.

Taylor and her mum didn’t leave until Dad got home. He said ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ a lot, like he didn’t know any other words to say. Then when they left he asked if I wanted chicken nuggets for dinner. We ate sitting on the sofa in front of the big TV, which was still on but still not being watched. Dad forgot the ketchup but I didn’t say anything. He didn’t make Mum any dinner and I think I know why. While we sat there not watching TV and eating our chicken nuggets without ketchup, I realised for the first time that Dad probably wishes Mum was dead just as much as I do.

Now

Friday, 30th December 2016

‘How are we doing, Amber? Still got some fight in you I see. I like that.’

My hospital room seems a shade darker than before. I want to scream as Edward touches my face. I want to disappear so that he can’t see me or ever find me again.

‘And breathing on your own now, that’s such good news, well done you.’