When I see the stretch of beach ending, I’m disappointed, but only for a fraction of second. As soon as the cars rolls to a stop, I’m being turned around on Shane’s lap to face him. I have no time to catch my breath before his mouth is consuming mine. His hands are tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. Our expelled breaths bounce off the inside of the car, joining the rush in my ears to create a sound unique to me. To us.

Dying to get as close to him as possible, I spread my legs as far as the confined space will allow and begin to ride the ridge behind his fly. He moans into my mouth and grips my bottom, urging me to go faster. His hips start pumping upward between my thighs, driving my bottom into the steering wheel so hard, I hear a far-off beeping and know it’s coming from our car.

“No, no. I need to get closer,” Shane pants against my mouth, before nearly ripping off the driver’s side door to get it open. He drags me from the car and pushes me back against the hard surface, partially heated by the purring engine. Running his teeth along the line of my neck, he slips his hand between my thighs to massage me through my underwear. “Are you wet enough, girl?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Thank Christ.” He takes a condom from his pocket, hurriedly freeing himself from his jeans to roll it on. All the while, he’s watching with rapt interest as I drag my panties down my legs. When I start to pull the dress over my head, he stops me. “Leave it. I’m going to make you come in that dress. Then I’m going to f**king burn it.”

Confused by his harshly spoken words, I start to question him, but he hikes me up against the car, propping me there with his hips and drives into me hard. Our simultaneous groans are short-lived because he hooks his arms beneath my knees and yanks my legs higher, making me go light-headed at the pressure of him buried deep inside of me. He bites into my bottom lip and draws it back as he starts to thrust. It’s a different, forceful side to Shane and this new, wild, living thing inside of me responds to it. I dig my fingernails into his shoulders, prop my heels on his ass, and beg for it with my body.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” His breath hitches as I start to match his rhythm, meeting each shove of his hips with a twist of my own. He lets me participate for a moment, then pins me against the car with a growl. “Every goddam time is better than the last. How the hell am I supposed to walk away from that? From you?”

I can’t answer that. Not only because I’m avoiding any thought of us parting ways, but because he’s filling my body over and over, making it so I can’t think beyond the oncoming release. It’s gathering in my belly, and I welcome it by latching onto Shane’s mouth, knowing his kiss will push me the rest of the way. It’s the extra push he needs, too. As soon as my tongue licks into his mouth, I feel him start to shake. Or maybe that’s me. I don’t know…I can’t tell anymore where I stop and he begins. I’m dragging him closer, he’s plastered to my body, and still, still, he’s too far away.

“Shane,” I sob, my heart feeling paralyzed.

“I know. I know,” he grates against me neck, biting the flesh there and finally sending me spiraling. “Let me have it all. No hiding from me. God, Willa.”

The car no longer exists behind us, we’re just clinging together as we free-fall. Holding one another as something that goes beyond physical response shudders through me and into him. My chest is squeezing so tightly that I’m gasping for air. I don’t know if there’s a name for what I’m feeling, but I know if he lets me go right now, in this moment, I absolutely will not survive it.

We stay that way for long moments, letting our bodies calm, even if there is no chance of calming our minds or thoughts. I’m wrapped around Shane who has gone so still, I’m starting to feel a little alarmed. Just as I start to ask him if he’s all right, he slams a fist onto the roof of the car, then drops his head onto my shoulder.

“Dammit, Willa. I didn’t see you coming.”

He holds my hand on the ride home, but we don’t say a word.

Chapter Twenty-One

Shane is working late tonight, thanks to a bachelor party and a thirty-person pub crawl that stopped crawling once it got to the Claymore. I waited in my room as long as I could, restlessly watching the sky darken, not sure if I should wait for him to get off or go out on my own. While the afternoon on Bull Island had started out incredible, it had left something unsaid hanging in the air between us. I don’t like it, the not knowing. Not having everything on the table. My whole life, I’ve been the queen of avoidance, but secrets between Shane and I stretch and widen with every second that ticks past. Every time we’re together it seems like we’re interminably close, but when I can’t see or touch him, he feels eons away.

Thundering laughter below my feet sends me striding across the room to snatch up my messenger bag. I just have to get out of there and think. No more pacing around in this white-lace room, trying to figure out me and Shane when the answer has been the same since the beginning.

I squeeze through bodies inside the pub, trying to keep my eyes on the door, but they unerringly stray to Shane behind the bar. Dim bar light spilling over his dark hair, he’s nodding absently at the smiling girl who’s shouting to him over the music, but he looks distracted. Like he’s already picturing himself a thousand miles from the smell of alcohol, the sloppiness of the crowds. I think of him today, how his voice had changed when he explained the mechanics of driving manually. He doesn’t belong here, taking orders. He should be giving them. Behind a steering wheel, without a single thing to hold him back.

As if he can sense my specific thoughts in the midst of hundreds, his head snaps up and he’s searching through the crowd. For me? Yes. Our eyes lock with one another’s and the bottle of vodka he’s pouring drops to the bar. He wants to come after me. I can see it. Not that it’s unusual for me to go out this late, to explore Dublin at night. But I understand the look because things are different now, aren’t they? We’ve turned into a couple, even though we weren’t supposed to. Temporarily inseparable. Mustering a smile, I wave to him and keep walking, as if there should be no questions asked about my leaving this late, without him. Really, there shouldn’t be. That’s what I keep telling myself as his eyes burn a hole into my back.

As soon as I’m outside, I take a deep, gulping breath, feeling as though I’ve been underwater for the last two minutes. My feet start moving in the direction of the park, where I know there will still be a healthy crowd even at this time of night. I want to watch other people, witness their expressions and listen to their problems, so I don’t have to think of my own. I need a distraction. I need my sister.

After walking another block, I sit down on a bench across from the Liffey and dig my phone out of my bag. Ginger answers on the second ring.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.”

I close my eyes, the comfort of her voice wrapping me up like a flannel blanket. “How’s my niece? Is she cursing like a sailor yet?”

“Not an f-bomb to speak of. Truth be told, we’re starting to get worried.”

My mouth twitches. “Aw, you know us Peet girls. All in our own time.”

We’re silent for a moment, and I can hear someone singing softly in the background, presumably to Dolly. When I realize its Derek, my throat closes up. I miss them so much. I know if they were standing in front of me, they would read me like a book. They would know the right words to say, or at the very least, Ginger would feed me chicken pot pie. But they can’t fix this situation with Shane for me. I’m an adult now, I went into it with my eyes open, and I have to take the inevitable pain that comes along with it.