The guys were dead silent.

I was not going to cry.

I went on. “And somebody threw a brick through her window. Somebody here. Somebody who has dedicated his life to helping others. Somebody who’s supposed to be a hero.”

I started pacing.

“It doesn’t matter that I’m not actually a whore—whatever that even means. It doesn’t matter that I’m not even remotely intimidated by this bozo. It doesn’t even matter that there’s no point in going after me like this. It’s—what?—weeks before the captain makes his decision between me and the rookie. We all know what he thinks about women. We all know what we all think about women. I’m out. I’ll be gone before you know it anyway. So whoever this asshole is, he’s going to a lot of trouble to accomplish something that’s already pretty much a done deal.

“Here’s what does matter: What this guy is doing is wrong. You can’t do what we do and see the kind of suffering we see every damn day and still want to create more of it in the world, can you? You can’t do what we do for a living and not know the simple difference between right and wrong. That’s what has me so, so pissed. We’re supposed to be the heroes. We’re supposed to be the helpers. The caretakers. The good in the world. What the hell can I believe in, if I can’t believe in you?”

Oh God. Now there were tears on my face. Humiliating.

It just made me angrier.

“I know we’re all just human. I don’t expect you to be perfect. But I expect you, at the very least, to be better than that.”

And that’s when I had an idea. Not a perfect idea. Maybe not even a good one. But it was the best I could come up with in the moment.

“So I’m making everybody a deal,” I said, wiping my face again. “Pick your best guy, and let’s go outside right now to run the course. I will beat him. I’ll beat anybody here. I’ll prove myself to all of you—again, for the thousandth time. And if I don’t win, I’ll quit. I’ll quit right now, this morning, and you’ll never see me again, and all your lady problems will be over.”

The guys were all frowning at me.

“But I will win,” I went on. “And when I do, the asshole stalker in this room needs to make a choice to be a better human being—and cut it the hell out.”

The guys looked around at each other.

“And if he doesn’t—if he manages to run me out of here in the end? At least every single one of us will know that I deserved to be here.”

I was so angry, but the guys just looked sorry. They’d been standing at ease, but then, almost like a school of fish in unison, they all took a few steps closer. Then the captain, of all people, was holding his arms out to me. “You know what you need, Hanwell?”

“Group hug,” the guys all assented, lifting their arms, too.

Were they mocking me? Were they being sarcastic? They looked so earnest, but that couldn’t be right. I smeared the tears off my face with my impatient hands, then pointed at them all, like, Keep back. “Do not hug me. Nobody in this room hugs anybody.”

Then I took a few steps backwards, as if my pointing finger were a gun and I was the villain making my escape.

One by one, I made eye contact with every guy in the room.

That was my goal, I guess. To make sure that no matter what, everyone would know exactly what they’d lost.

The guys were all silent at the notion.

Then the captain said, “Is this really necessary?”

Case jumped in with, “You’re too short to beat anybody on that course, Hanwell.”

“Don’t do this,” Six-Pack said.

“There’s no way you can win,” DeStasio said.

That’s when the captain stepped forward. “Nobody wants you to quit, Hanwell. You don’t have to do this.”

“Apparently, I fucking do,” I said. “Now, pick somebody. And then send him outside.”

* * *

I STOOD OUT back in the parking lot, surveying the course, and waited.

A few minutes later, the captain showed up and said, “That was a hell of a speech.”

I held still, eyes on the course.

“It could be somebody on a different shift, you know.”

“It could be,” I said. “But it isn’t.”

“I can’t imagine any of our guys would do that to you.”

“Maybe it was you,” I said, not looking over. “I’m pretty sure you told my old captain that women in the fire service would be the downfall of human civilization.”

The captain leaned forward until he caught my eye. “It wasn’t me, Hanwell. Do you want to know why?”

I shrugged, not looking over.

“I did say that to your captain. But in the short time you’ve been here, you’ve made me change my mind.”

I looked down.

I believed him. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting it. “So you say,” I said.

“The guys don’t want to take your challenge. They say you don’t need to prove yourself. They want me to give you a pass.”

“I won’t take it.”

“That’s what I told them.”

“Go back in and tell them to pick somebody, then,” I said.

“Who gives the orders here, Hanwell?”

“You do, sir. So go back in and act like it.”

The captain went in, and a few minutes later, they sent out Case.

“Nope,” I said, the minute I saw him. “That’s just insulting.”

“I’m the choice,” Case said with a shrug. “Deal with it.”

“Case,” I said, “you could not run this course if your life depended on it.”

“That’s why we all picked me,” he said. “Nobody wants you to lose.”

“I’m not going to lose,” I said. “Now get back in there and pick somebody real.”

A few minutes later, the rookie came out.

“Why didn’t you call me?” he asked, referring, I supposed, to the brick.

“What would you have done?”

He shook his head, looking out at the course. “I don’t know. Helped you sweep up, maybe.”

“Maybe it was you who threw it,” I said then.

“You couldn’t possibly think that.” He searched my eyes.

I shrugged. “Maybe you’ve been nice to me this whole time to throw me off your trail. Maybe you secretly want me gone.”

“Trust me,” he said. “I want you the opposite of gone.”

I looked away. “I don’t trust anybody anymore.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Owen said. “Nobody wants you to.”

“Why are you out here, anyway?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be inside, deciding?”

“They’ve already decided.”

I turned to him. “Who is it?”

He shrugged. “It’s me.”

I let out a bitter laugh. “Of course it is,” I said.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

I was marching toward the course. “Call the guys. Let’s get this done.”

The guys gathered near the pull-up bars.