He took a step back then as he shook his head, leaving me reeling again as he walked toward the living room wall and then pivoted on his heel, stopping instantly. His hands scrubbed at his denim-covered thighs, and he made this terrible noise in his throat that made me want to go to him.

“There’s more to the story, isn’t there?” he asked me softly, forcing me back to the present.

“Yes.”

Here it was.

“I’m sorry, okay? I want you to know now that I’m sorry for… being dumb and young and for letting it happen, okay?”

I loved him more than ever when he nodded without hesitation.

“When I was seventeen,” I started, “you were in your second season in Dallas… Boogie and I went to go visit you. We went to see a game. We went out to eat with two of your teammates, and you had brought Jessica along. I’d already met her before. I sat next to you, I guess. I don’t know, maybe I had been talking to you too much instead of letting you talk with everyone else… and Jessica came up to me in the bathroom and said… she said… stuff. About me being an inconvenience. About you not having time for me. And she said some other things. I had to go sit in Boogie’s car afterward. You guys thought I was upset about Mamá Lupe.”

I’m telling you this to make you feel better. You’re young, but it’s not going anywhere. He doesn’t like you like that, okay? You’re a baby.

Fortunately, I didn’t tell him more than that. I didn’t have to, and I didn’t really want to.

Mostly because, with each word out of my mouth, that normally placid and easygoing face melted into one so serious, one so… so… thunderous… there were thunderstorms brewing behind his eyes and thunder bubbling beneath his cheekbones… and I forced myself to rush ahead.

“I believed her, Zac. Maybe not at that moment, but then you stopped answering my texts like two weeks later. You went to my graduation and everything was fine; then you came home again and she was with you, and then it seemed real. That’s when I stopped getting your messages, and it broke my heart… and I just... I tried after that, you know, texting you. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t a big deal and that I’d give you time to not bother you, but I still never heard back from you, and it broke my heart even more. Then I got embarrassed and started telling Boogie I was busy when he’d invite me to go see you… I moved… and the next thing I knew, it had been years. But I never stopped following your career or anything; I always kept up with everything. I was still… maybe not your number one fan but at least in the top five. I’m sorry, Snack Pack. I’m sorry I believed her, and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, but I was ashamed—”

He was there.

His “kiddo” was sighed into my hair the moment his arms wrapped around my shoulders, his cheek settling against my head.

Zac hugged me tightly, so fucking tightly I wouldn’t be able to take a deep breath, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care, I didn’t care, I didn’t care. And my own cheek was against his chest as regret and pain and disappointment in myself and in Jessica, and even a little bit in Zac, filled my lungs.

Disappointment for all the things I could have had for years but hadn’t. But what else was there to do or say? Nothing. Because it was in the past, and all I could do now was be here and present like I could have and should have been all those years ago.

“I’m sorry,” I told him again. “My feelings were hurt, and I didn’t want to bother you any more, even though I knew you cared about me, but it was just easier to not try than to have it get thrown into my face.”

His arms tightened even more, pulling me in so close there was no escaping his presence or the light mix of cologne and that natural Zac smell that filled my nostrils at being so close to him. “You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry about, you hear me? Nothin’, Peewee. I’m sorry.” I was pretty sure his nose pressed against my head, because his voice got even quieter, like his mouth was muffled in my hair. “I’m sorry I spent time with somebody capable of that in the first place. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder or bother Boog more. I’m sorry I got so busy I guess I thought you didn’t want me around either and I let the years go by. I haven’t been a good friend, and I’m so damn sorry about that too. But none of that was any of your fault, you understand? It’s mine.”

His arms loosened as his head pulled backward, and he aimed those pastel blue eyes at me. Anguish showed in the lines of his forehead and mouth. “I do wish you would’ve told me she said somethin’, but I must’ve not been a good enough friend then either if you didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me.”

His words punched me right in the chest. “No. No. You were always such a good friend, even when you had a lot going on. You had barely been in the NFO for like two seasons, and you were busy and getting busier and…” I’d been in love with you and hadn’t known what to do with myself. That was the truth. But I wouldn’t say it. It wasn’t like I was ashamed. If he put the pieces together, he’d figure it out on his own. There just wasn’t a point in me bringing it up.

One of those big quarterback hands cupped the nape of my neck under my hair, and his gaze turned even more intent. “I’ll never believe that,” he told me. “And nothin’ is gonna make me feel better. You don’t need to make excuses for what I did and for what I didn’t do. This was Jessica’s fault for sure, and I hope she gets what’s comin’ to her eventually—I think she will, if the face Enzo was makin’ at her meant anything—but at the end of the day, this is my fault.”

“Zac—”

“I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m so damn sorry for all of it.”

“No, it’s my fault too. I was just so sad after Mamá Lupe died and—” I gulped, and my shoulders bobbed under his forearms. “—I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you more. I’m just…. I was just used to people getting busy and forgetting about me. And I guess I convinced myself that you had only been nice to me because of the snake thing that I don’t even remember.”

Zac’s mouth went flat, and I saw his Adam’s apple bob. “I didn’t like you so much because you saved my life, kiddo. Bein’ around you has always made me happy. Even when you were a baby, you were always makin’ me laugh.” His head tilted forward, and I barely heard him, but I did. “You still do. That’s why I… that’s why I’m always botherin’ you. You make everything fun. Everything good. You’ve always been my favorite girl, kiddo. Hands down.”

I wasn’t sure if he smiled first or if I did, but what I did know was that I loved him with my whole heart, even though I knew better.

At least he loved me too. In his own way.

Chapter Seventeen

Me: I’m going to be late getting home. Get dinner without me. Sorry to bail, but I’ll make you some almond cake to make it up to you. XOXO

I sent the message with my right hand, leaned back against the seat I was in, and sighed.

I couldn’t fucking believe it.