Gabriel wanted to stay and help me explain, which was sweet. But I didn ’t think it was fair to put him in the line of fire. I wouldn’t have been there if I didn’t have to be. So, after sending everyone else home, I sat on Missy’s deck and stared at the newly unshackled pair. I insisted on leaving Jenny hog -tied and gagged for the duration of this discussion. Mama was too shell-shocked to argue, which I thought was a normal reaction to one’s first hostage crisis.

“Um, you probably have some questions for me,” I said finally.

Mama was dry-eyed and mad as hell. “Jane, what is going on? We got a call that you needed us at the house. And that awful woman just kidnapped us right off your front porch. Why would she do that? Why was she talking about vampires? Thank God your friends were here to help us, or I just don’t know what we would have done. Was that your Gabriel? The tall one with the dark hair? He seems very nice. Lovely manners. I don’t think I like the other one, though, the one in the vulgar T-shirt.”

“Mama.” I ignored the part where Mama negated my share in her rescue and stuck to the matter at hand. “Mama, you probably figured out, from what Missy was saying earlier, that I’m a vampire.” My throat tightened around every word. “In fact, if you think back on some of the stuff that’s happened in the last couple of months, you’ll see that there were some pretty big hints.

And I understand why you didn’t see it, because you weren’t ready yet. And I wasn’t ready to tell you. But now I have to. I’m a vampire.”

My mother’s jaw hung slack. She paled. “You haven’t told Gabriel, have you?”

I would have laughed, but it wouldn’t have improved the situation. “He’s a vampire, too. In fact, he’s the one who made me a vampire.”

While they sat, stunned silent, I very quickly told them what really happened the night I was fired, my Shenanigans bender. I described Gabriel’s following me home to make sure I arrived home safe and my car breaking down. I told them about the shooting, though I omitted the identity of the drunken hunter. It just seemed petty now that Bud was dead. I also glossed over the more erotic aspects of Gabriel’s turning me, because I liked being able to look my father in the eyes. I would have to put that off for a while anyway, because looking him in the eyes at the moment made my chest hurt.

I assured them that I hadn’t fed on anyone living and planned to stick to bottled blood as much as possible. I judiciously omitted the Andrea episode. Daddy’s face contorted in alternating waves of rage, sorrow, and overwhelming curiosity.

Mama’s first question was “Have you tried not being a vampire?”

To which I responded, “Yes, for the first twenty-six years of my life.”

My father, who had remained silent and thin-lipped until this point, asked, “Why did you lie to us, honey?”

The hurt in his voice made my throat constrict. “To keep you from looking at me like you’re looking at me right now. Like I’m some kind of freak. Like you’re ashamed of me. Like you’re not going to want me to be your daughter anymore. I was scared, and I didn’t know how to tell you. And after a while, it seemed really difficult to fit ‘Guess what, I’m undead’ into a conversation.”

“But you didn’t just lie once, Jane,” Daddy said softly. “You’ve had months to tell us. You lied over and over.”

All I could muster up was a weak “I’m so sorry, Daddy.”

“Are you all right?” Daddy asked, tears of his own welling up. “Did—did it hurt?”

“Being shot hurt,” I admitted, reaching for his hand. His fingers wrapped around mine without hesitation. The weight that was crushing my chest seemed to wiggle loose. “Getting turned was just like falling asleep. I woke up three days later, and Gabriel took care of me. He saved me. I would have died without his help. Please don’t be angry with him or act weird around him. He’s a good man, for the most part.”

“What can you do?” he asked.

It took me a few seconds to catch up to Daddy’s question. He was asking about my snazzy new vampire powers, not expressing helplessness about my being turned by a guy with “shoves trees on people” tendencies.

“Oh, um, a lot of stuff, except, you know, eat solid food and go outside during the day,” I said.

“Even my pot pie?” Mama cried.

Yes, because in this situation, pot pie was what we should be focusing on.

I nodded. “But the upside is, I don’t have to feed very often. I can lift couches over my head one -handed. I’ve finally stopped running like a girl. I can smell fear. And you saw that I can hold my own in a fight. You don ’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Daddy’s expression brightened. And yes, I intentionally left out the part about the mind -reading, because that tended to weird people out. Plus, it was a hand I didn’t want to tip to Mama.

After a long pause, Mama said, “Well, I don’t know what to say.”

Daddy checked his watch and marked the time. “It took thirty years, but it was bound to happen sometime.”

Mama looked horrified. I started giggling, which made Daddy laugh. Then we just kept braying like donkeys until tears were streaming down our cheeks. I was so glad that dying hadn’t ruined my sense of humor. Or Daddy’s, for that matter.

Mama wasn’t as thrilled. “Well, that’s fine, just fine! ” She cried fat crocodile tears, clumping her carefully feathered Maybelline Great Lash. “You two just sit here and laugh your fool heads off. You have your cozy little meeting of the We ’re Smarter Than Sherry Club, as usual. I’ll just go home and mourn my daughter’s death.”

“I’m not dead, Mama, I’m undead. There is a difference.”

“Well, pardon me for not knowing the right words,” Mama huffed. “I’ve never met a vampire. I don’t know any. No one I know does. Oh, my, what are people going to say? What kind of mother am I to let her daughter get turned into a vampire?”

I snorted. “I’m not asking you to march in any pride parades, Mama.”

Daddy stood, wedging himself in the crossfire. “Now, let’s not say anything we’ll regret.”

“Oh, I think we’re already there.” I was fully prepared to vamp out and leap onto the roof just to complete Mama ’s traumatic-offspring-treachery scenario. She was definitely sending Reverend Neel after me for this one. “You didn’t let me get turned into a vampire. I didn’t let me get turned into a vampire. It just happened. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Honey, please, we’re just trying to understand what’s happening,” Daddy pleaded.

Mama and I trenched ourselves in a sullen silence. Poor Daddy just looked back and forth between the two of us, like some spectator held prisoner at a tennis match.

“How do you expect to live this way?” Mama finally demanded. “How will you work? Where are you going to live? How will you take care of yourself?”

“I’ve been taking care of myself for quite some time now, ” I insisted. “I’m going to keep living at River Oaks, as long as someone doesn’t try to kill me for it again. And I’ve gotten a new night job at a bookstore. I’m going to be fine, Mama. You know, Zeb joined this group, the Friends and Family of the Undead. It ’s like a support group for people who know newly turned vampires. I think it might help you.”

“You told Zeb before you told us?” Mama shouted.

Oh, crap.

“How could you do that?” Mama cried. “We’re your family!”

“He found out the night I rose,” I said. “But no one else knows. Except for some of the vampires I’ve met. And Andrea, a girl who hangs out with a lot of vampires. Oh, and Jolene, Zeb’s fiancée.”

“Zeb’s getting married? Before you?”

Double crap.

“We just need to get you over to Dr. Willis and let him take a look at you,” Mama said, moving to pat my leg, then stopping, her hand frozen a few inches over me.

She was afraid to touch me. My own mother could not bring herself to lay her hands on me. Something inside me greeted quick, quiet death. “There’s not much he can do for me.”

“I don’t have to listen to this,” Mama snarled. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk like this. You can ’t even try taking it seriously, can you? You died, and you have to make jokes, have to make me feel like an idiot for not understanding.”

“Mama, just let me take you home,” I said, reaching for her.

She shied away from me. “No, I think we’ll stay right here. Why don’t you go on home?”

“Well, because it’s not safe for you to be here by yourself. Who knows what Missy has here or whether one of her newbie minions is going to show up? You would be easy prey. I need to stay with you. And technically, I think this is my house, anyway.

When you kill another vampire, that usually means you get their stuff. Besides, you don ’t have a car. How are you going to get home?”

“We’ll have Jenny drive us.” Mama sniffed.

Great, bring up the living daughter. One more thing Jenny had on me—two kids, a husband, and a pulse.

I reluctantly untied my sister. With an indignant squeal, she broke loose from the ropes and pulled her gag away. She was about to scream at me when I clapped a hand over her mouth. “Don’t. Whatever you’re about to say, whatever excuse you’re about to give, don’t. I’m not talking to you for a while. Not until the urge to throttle you goes away. Stay away from the house, and stay away from me. Pretend that I don’t exist. It should be easy enough considering the practice you’ve had.”

“Jane, get your hands off her!” Mama yelled.

I stared at my mother. “You think I’m going to hurt her, don’t you?”

Mama said nothing. Daddy wrapped an arm around her. “Now, Sherry—”