It was Halloween a few days later and Ada showed up to the party at Ewan’s house dressed as me, wearing a black corset, a tiny black skirt, knee-high boots, and shining skin. Her friends leaned in, laughing.

“And what are you supposed to be?” they asked.

I grinned back at them with her teeth. “Whatever you want,” I said.

I had Ada walk straight to Ewan’s room, depositing her body on his lap. He wrapped a freckled arm around her as people flowed in and out of his doorway.

“I’ve been feeling bad about what I’m doing to my girlfriend,” he confessed.

Oh fuck, I thought, feelings. I wonder how the conversation would have gone if he could have reached Ada in that moment. She probably would have reciprocated; she always responded to honesty and vulnerability, she was sweet like that. But I had her body that night, and so he had to deal with me and I really hate when people talk about feelings.

“Is that why you were all fucking weird the other night?” I asked. He made a face and I shoved my finger into his ribs. “I don’t need that nonsense. Next time you’re in a mood like that, just don’t fuck me at all.”

Ewan stayed serious and looked into Ada’s eyes, his voice matter-of-fact. “What you and I have, it’s more than fucking,” he said. “I’m basically in a relationship with you.”

I swore to myself when he said that—I could already feel Ada’s heart pounding. Stupid, stupid girl.

I turned inward for a moment, just to deal with her. She was twisting her hands together in the marble room, his words still ringing against the walls. “No,” I said, before she could get a word out. “Don’t even fucking think about it.”

“But, As?ghara, he just said—”

“No!” I glared at her and she fell silent. I could see I was crushing her, but there was no other option. I couldn’t allow her hope any room to breathe; I had to choke it out. I was protecting her.

“Allow me to handle this,” I told her. “Stay here.”

I turned back out and gave Ewan a sharp look, keeping my voice loose but cutting. “That’s too bad for you,” I said. “Because I’m not in a relationship with anyone.”

Ewan laughed and shook his head. He looked tired. It was not the last time he would look for Ada only to be met with me.

“So, what do you want to do?” I asked him. “You want to stop?”

He looked up at me and shifted his face, locking away his emotions, returning to the way I liked him. “It’s Halloween and I’ve got a horny nineteen-year-old in a slutty black costume sitting in my lap,” he said. He was twenty-seven then. “What do you think?”

“Good,” I answered, and kissed him with Ada’s mouth. I wasn’t done playing with him. It was ideal—Ada didn’t have time to think about Soren or what he’d done, even though she was back on the same campus where it happened. I had barely thought about my own birth myself. I was busy trying out new toys, like getting Ada drunk for the first time. Had I known earlier how useful alcohol would be in lubricating my relationship with Ada and bringing us together, I would have stocked her life with bottles. But that first time happened completely by accident—she drank too many Smirnoff Ices on an empty stomach, because I was still having her starve herself, and she was already halfway drunk by the time she agreed to try some margaritas at the club.

Ewan wasn’t out with her that night, so Ada’s friends dropped her off at his house after the club. It was winter, but she was wearing a flared miniskirt and black boxer boots. It was three in the morning and Ewan’s door was bolted shut from inside his room. His housemates were still awake, but Ada didn’t want to talk to any of them; she just wanted to sleep. It was too cold to walk up the hill to her dorm, and their living room was filthy, so she couldn’t crash on a couch. She banged on his door and called his name, but Ewan didn’t answer.

“You know he’s drunk and passed out,” I told her. “Biko, just kick the fucking door down.”

I liked drunk Ada because instead of arguing, she actually agreed with me. She needed to sleep, his room was the solution, and the door was an obstacle that needed to be removed. Simple. She’d also taken karate lessons all semester, so it was perfect. The alcohol made her more like me, cold and steady, and Ada timed her roundhouse kicks to land with precision on the painted wood of his door.

The noise brought Ewan’s best friend downstairs. “What the fuck’s going on?”

Ada waved her hand at the door. “Ewan’s passed out and I need to sleep, so I’m kicking it down,” she explained. I giggled inside her.

The best friend looked from Ada to the door, then nodded. “Okay.” He held out one of the McDonald’s sandwiches he was holding. “Want one?”

They ate and talked, and Ada excused herself to smash her heel into the door every few minutes. I am still not sure how much of her was me that night, to be honest, but I can tell you it was a lot more than usual. We were synched and it was beautiful.

The bolt to Ewan’s room went into the wall, so when the door finally broke, it did so at its hinges, the doorframe cracking and shuddering as it gave way. Ada squeezed through the small space and climbed into bed with Ewan. He cracked open sleepy blue eyes to smile at her.

“Unbelievable,” I muttered at him. “Breaking down the door doesn’t wake you up, but me climbing into bed does.”