He’s out of breath when he finally stops talking.

I’m smiling so hard my cheeks ache. I had no idea he felt this way. No idea.

I wait a few seconds to make sure he’s done; then I finally respond. I’m pretty sure he can hear from my voice alone that I’m smiling. “First of all, it’s hard to believe you were ever insecure. And second, I think you’re pretty epic, too, Miller. Always have. Even when you were scrawny and had acne.”

He laughs a little. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I can hear him sigh. “Glad I got that off my chest, then. See you at school tomorrow?”

“Good night.”

We end the call, and I don’t know how long I sit and stare at my phone. I can’t even process the gravity of this. He actually has real feelings for me. He’s had feelings for me. I can’t believe I’ve been so oblivious to it.

I eventually unlock my screen because I need to call Aunt Jenny and tell her every bit of that conversation. I’m scrolling through my contacts when it hits me.

I can’t call her. I can never call her again.

When is that finally going to sink in?

Lexie doesn’t even have a chance to fasten her seat belt before I assault her with the news. “I kissed Miller Adams, and I think maybe we’re a thing now.”

“Wow. Okay,” she says, nodding. “But . . . what about Shelby?”

“He broke up with her two weeks ago.”

She takes a moment to let this sink in. I back out of her driveway, and she’s staring forward, thinking hard about it. Then she looks at me and says, “I don’t know, Clara. Seems a little quick, like maybe it’s a rebound.”

“I know. I kind of thought the same thing, but it doesn’t feel that way at all. I can’t explain it, but . . . I don’t know. I get the feeling he didn’t have this kind of connection with Shelby.”

I can feel her giving me a look. “I’m your friend, so I feel the need to say this, but you sound kind of crazy right now. He dated Shelby for an entire year. You made out with him once, and you think he has more feelings for you than he does for her?”

It does sound insane, but she wasn’t there. “You know me better than anyone, Lex. You know I don’t fall for guys like this. I think you should take me a little more seriously.”

“Sorry,” she says. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe Miller Adams is madly in love with you, and his twelve-month relationship with Shelby was some kind of move to make you jealous.”

“Now you’re just making fun of me.”

“It was just a kiss, Clara! You’re acting like the two of you are official already. Of course I’m making fun of you.”

I do see the ridiculousness of it from her point of view. But I still think she’s wrong. I drop it, though, because she won’t understand it. “It was an amazing kiss, though,” I say with a smile.

She rolls her eyes. “Good for you. Just don’t make it official yet. It’s not official, is it?”

“No. I don’t guess so. All we did was kiss. He didn’t even ask me out on a date.”

“Good. When he does ask you, pretend you’re busy.”

“Why?”

“So it doesn’t seem like you like him this much.”

Her advice is confusing. “Why wouldn’t I want him to know I like him?”

“Because he might lose interest. You’ll scare him away.”

“That makes no sense.”

“It’s just how guys work.”

“Let me get this straight. If I like a guy, and he likes me, we have to pretend not to like each other, or we’ll stop liking each other?”

“Hey, I didn’t make the rules,” she says. She falls back into her seat in kind of a slump. “I can’t believe this. We’ve always been single together. This is going to change our friendship.”

“No, it won’t.”

“It will,” she says. “You’ll sit by him at lunch. He’ll start meeting you before and after school. You’ll be too busy to hang out with me on weekends.”

“You work all the time, anyway.”

“Yeah, but I could have a day off someday, and you won’t want to spend it with me now.”

“Next time you have a day off, I’m going to spend it with you.”

“Promise?”

I hold up my pinkie, and she grips it just as we’re pulling into the school parking lot.

Lexie nudges her head. “Gross. He’s waiting for you.”

Miller is standing next to his truck in the parking spot next to where I always park. Just the sight of him waiting for me makes me smile. Lexie groans when she sees Miller smiling back at me. “I hate it already,” she says.

She gets out of the car as soon as I put it in park and looks at Miller over the hood. “How serious is this thing between you two?”

Oh my God. I scramble out of the car and look at Miller, wide eyed. “Don’t answer that.” I turn to Lexie. “Stop it.”

She’s looking past me, at Miller. “Got any single friends, since you stole mine?”

Miller laughs. “I’m sure I can scrounge up a couple.”

Lexie shuts her door. “Only a couple?” She winks at me, then starts walking toward the school by herself. I feel kind of bad, because she’s right. Things will change between us a little bit.

“How was your night?” Miller asks, pulling my attention back to him.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither,” he says, hoisting his backpack up higher onto his shoulder. He leans in and kisses me, just a quick peck on the mouth. “Were you up all night thinking about me?”

I lift a shoulder. “Maybe.”

He walks with me toward the school. “Is Lexie serious? Does she really want a boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. She’s my best friend, but I still can’t tell when she’s kidding or when she’s serious.”

“So it’s not just me?”

I shake my head just as Miller opens the door for me. Once we’re in the hallway, he reaches down between us and grabs my hand like it’s second nature. I might be biased, but I like how we fit. He’s taller than me by at least five inches, but our hands clasp together comfortably.

It feels so right . . . until it doesn’t.

Forty-five days. That’s how long they’ve been dead, and I have no idea how I can possibly walk through these hallways, smiling like I didn’t just lose two of the most important people in my life. It fills me with guilt because my mother never smiles anymore. Neither does Jonah. Not only have I stolen lives because of my disregard for Aunt Jenny’s safety while she was driving, but now I’ve stolen the smiles of all the people my father and Aunt Jenny left behind.

I head toward Jonah’s classroom, and Miller walks with me, holding the door for me when we reach it. Jonah is the only one inside when we walk into the room, still hand in hand.

Jonah is staring at our hands, and again, I feel the guilt coursing through me. How long will it take until I don’t feel guilty for feeling happy? Shouldn’t I be in a depression every second of the day? Not just at intervals? I pull my hand from Miller’s as I set my stuff onto my desk.