‘No, Josh. It doesn’t. And you’re making me feel really uncomfortable. Like there’s something you’re hiding from me.’

And then Josh does something Josh never does. He shouts. He opens his mouth and he growls and he says, ‘OK. Fuck’s sake. OK. I pissed myself. OK? I was out running and I don’t know why. I do not know why, OK? But I pissed myself. Like totally through everything. And I couldn’t tell anyone because I was so embarrassed. So I just shoved the kit in the bag and hid it until I had a chance to wash it. OK? Are you happy now?’

Cate sways slightly in the aftershock of her son’s rage. And then she goes to him. She takes him in her arms and she holds him and she says, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I’m sorry. It’s OK.’

She feels his arms around her and his face buried into her shoulder and she realises that he is crying. He says, ‘Mum. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I really love you.’

She rubs the back of his neck. She whispers in his ear. ‘It’s OK, Josh. It’s OK, whatever’s going on, you can tell me. You can tell me. It’s OK.’

‘I can’t tell you,’ he says. ‘I just can’t. Ever.’

And then he pulls himself from her embrace and strides from the room.

52

SAFFYRE

I got a text from Josh at about eight o’clock on Valentine’s Day. It said: Shit storm brewing! Alicia’s sent my dad a Valentine’s card and Georgia’s just opened it. No one’s read it yet. Don’t know what the hell to do.

I replied: Burn it.

He said: I can’t. Dad knows it’s here. I’m going to confront him with it.

He sent me a photo of the writing in the card.

It said: ‘I can’t wait any longer. I’m dying. Leave her now or I’m going to kill myself.’

I thought, Jesus, what a drama queen. I thought, How do these people get jobs where they’re allowed to mess with the insides of children’s heads?

I replied to Josh: Don’t do anything. Just wait.

No, he replied. It’s time.

My heart raced. I felt weirdly sick, like it was my family in jeopardy, not somebody else’s.

I didn’t hear back from Josh for hours after that. It was cold and damp out and there was a light drizzle in the air and I thought, I don’t fancy sleeping out tonight, so I got into my comfy joggers, ate lasagne out of the microwave and watched Shakespeare in Love on the TV. Aaron came back about 11 p.m. and we chatted for a while. And then I got a message from Josh: She’s here! Alicia’s here! At our house! She’s going mental! Can you come over?

I called through to Aaron in the kitchen. ‘I’m just popping over to a friend’s place.’

‘Which friend?’ he called back.

‘Just a friend from school. Lives Hampstead way. I’ll be back soon, OK?’

I got to Roan’s place at about eleven fifteen. It all seemed quiet. I messaged Josh: I’m outside. What’s going on?

He replied: I think I got rid of her.

What about your parents?

They’re out, he replied.

I said: I’ll keep watch.

I walked around the corner and sat on the wall. All was quiet. After about fifteen minutes I saw Roan and his wife come home. They looked tipsy and happy and were holding hands. Then it was quiet again for a while.

I messaged Josh. I said: I think she must have gone home. No sign of her out here. I’ll wait till midnight, OK?

He replied: You’re the best.

I replied with a smiley face and a medal emoji.

Another fifteen minutes passed. A couple walked past holding hands; she held a single rose in her other hand. A man walked past with a small white dog. A woman walked past staring at her phone.

And then I saw something, a movement in my peripheral vision. There was a woman standing right outside Roan’s front door. She had her phone in her hand. She turned slightly and I saw that it was Alicia.

I crossed the street so I was now on the same side of the road as Roan’s house.

I whispered, ‘Alicia!’

She turned and looked at me. I could see she’d been crying and I could see she was drunk. She said, ‘Yes?’

I said, ‘Whatever it is you’re about to do, don’t do it. OK?’

She said, ‘Do I know you?’

‘I used to be a patient at the Portman Centre. I know Roan. And I know what you and Roan have been doing.’

She said, ‘It’s none of your business.’

‘No,’ I agreed. ‘It isn’t. But Josh is my friend. If you do what you’re thinking about doing, you’re going to destroy his life.’

She turned away from me and back to the door.

‘Don’t do it, Alicia,’ I said. ‘Please.’

I heard footsteps then, coming from the other way. I turned, and there was a man coming towards us. He was kind of ambling. Shuffling. As he got closer, I saw it was Clive. Or Owen. Or whatever his name was. I looked back at Alicia. I folded my arms. I stared at her. ‘Please, Alicia, go home!’

As I said that, the door opened and Roan appeared. I darted to the other side of the garden gate, just out of sight. I heard Alicia say something like, ‘You can’t just do this to me, Roan,’ and then her voice went kind of muffled as if someone had their hand over her mouth and then I saw Roan pulling her out of his front garden, on to the street. I wanted to see what was going on but I couldn’t from where I was standing. I turned and saw the guy called Clive or Owen or whatever and he was standing outside his house and he was watching the drama and I ran across. I said, ‘Clive, I need your help. Get me on that roof. Quick.’ And God bless him, he did as he was told, hoisted me up there. And then I could see everything.

I got my phone out and I recorded it. Alicia was going insane. She was punching Roan and he was letting her and she was saying stuff about how she was going to kill herself and it would be his fault and he just kept grabbing her wrists and saying, Shush, shush, please, Alicia, keep your voice down. Please. God. And it was obvious that Roan cared more about his wife finding out than he cared about whether Alicia was going to kill herself or not. And she got louder and louder and I saw him put his hand over her mouth. I saw her bite his hand and I saw him slap her. She tried to slap him back but he grabbed her arms and pushed her away from him, so hard she fell. My hands shook. It was horrible. Like watching animals.

When Alicia finally left, I saw Roan just standing on the pavement, rocking back and forth. I filmed him walking back to the house.

Clive called up. He said, ‘I’m going in now.’

‘Wait, wait, help me down!’ I said.

‘I’ve got to go to bed,’ he said.

‘No, Clive, wait.’

He looked like he was about to walk away and leave me there so I jumped down but misjudged it badly; my leg hit the wall on the way down and I felt my joggers rip. I landed hard on my bum in a knot of limbs and dropped my phone. I was winded; I could hardly breathe and I could feel blood seeping through the hole in my joggers, but I managed to get to my feet. I felt in the grass for my dropped phone then pushed past Clive and ran after Alicia. I wanted to check she was OK.

I had almost caught up with her when I heard the click and buzz of a security camera outside a gated mansion turning to watch me. I ducked down and pulled my hoodie closer around my face, still the invisible girl.

Ahead of me Alicia was picking up speed; she knew she was being followed. I picked up my speed to match hers. But then I slowed down again as I heard muffled footsteps behind me and I saw the long black shadow of a person coming after us.

And I knew, even before I saw their face, whose shadow it was.

53

Breakfast the next morning is lukewarm porridge, a small banana and some kind of unspecific juice – tropical, maybe? Owen thinks he will miss the food when it’s time to go home. He likes prison food. It’s like real food but with most of the challenging elements removed. He likes the way it’s arranged on a tray; he likes not having to think about it. Maybe he’d like prison too, he ponders. Maybe he’d be happier in prison than out in the world having to make decisions about food, having to deal with women looking at him as if he was going to rape them, having to worry about getting a job, a girlfriend. Maybe this was, in fact, his destiny? Maybe they’d find Saffyre Maddox’s body cut up in pieces underneath his bed and he’d suddenly remember that oh yes, he had indeed killed her, case closed, life in prison, no parole. Lots and lots of bland featureless food on trays forevermore. Maybe a cult following of strange women wanting to marry him now he was the cold-hearted murderer of a beautiful young girl. Maybe it would be a better outcome all round.