“Let’s get him in bed,” she says finally. “Can’t have his parents find this in the morning.”

I kneel down and tell Tiny to get up, but he just keeps crying and crying, so finally Jane and I get on his left side and roll him over onto his back. I step over him, and then reach down, getting a good grip under his armpit. Jane mimics me on his other side.

“One,” says Jane, and I say, “Two,” and she says, “Three,” and grunts. But nothing happens. Jane is small—I can see her upper arm narrow as she flexes her muscles. And I can’t lift my half of Tiny either, so we resolve to leave him there. By the time Jane places a blanket on top of Tiny and a pillow beneath his head, he’s snoring.

We’re about to leave when all of Tiny’s snotting finally catches up with him, and he begins to make these hideous noises that sound like snoring, except more sinister, and also more wet. I lean down to his face and see that he’s inhaling and exhaling these disgusting bubbly strands of snot from the last throes of his cryathon. There’s so much of the stuff that I worry he’ll choke.

“Tiny,” I say. “You gotta get the snot outta your nose, man,” but he doesn’t stir. So I get down right by his ear-drum and shout, “Tiny!” Nothing. Then Jane smacks him across the face, really rather hard. Nada. Just the awful, drowning-in-snot snoring.

And that is when I realize that Tiny Cooper cannot pick his nose, countering the second part of my dad’s theorem. And shortly thereafter, with Jane looking on, I disprove the theorem entirely when I reach down and clear Tiny’s airways of snot. In short: I cannot pick my friend; he cannot pick his nose; and I can—nay, I must—pick it for him.

Chapter two

I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.

those seem to be the two choices. everything else is just killing time.

right now i’m walking through the kitchen to get to the back door.

mom: have some breakfast.

I do not eat breakfast. i never eat breakfast. i haven’t eaten breakfast since i was able to walk out the back door without eating breakfast first.

mom: where are you going?

school, mom. you should try it some time.

mom: don’t let your hair fall in your face like that - i can’t see your eyes.

but you see, mom, that’s the whole fucking point.

I feel bad for her - i do. a damn shame, really, that i had to have a mother. it can’t be easy having me for a son. nothing can prepare someone for that kind of disappointment.

me: bye

I do not say ‘good-bye.’ i believe that’s one of the bullshittiest words ever invented. it’s not like you’re given the choice to say ‘bad-bye’ or ‘awful-bye’ or ‘couldn’t-careless-about-you-bye. ’ every time you leave, it’s supposed to be a good one. well, i don’t believe in that. i believe against that.

mom: have a good d—

the door kinda closes in the middle of her sentence, but it’s not like i can’t guess where it’s going. she used to say ‘see you!’ until one morning i was so sick of it i told her, ‘no, you don’t.’

she tries, and that’s what makes it so pathetic. i just want to say, ‘i feel sorry for you, really i do.’ but that might start a conversation, and a conversation might start a fight, and then i’d feel so guilty i might have to move away to portland or something.

I need coffee.

every morning i pray that the school bus will crash and we’ll all die in a fiery wreck. then my mom will be able to sue the school bus company for never making school buses with seat belts, and she’ll be able to get more money for my tragic death than i would’ve ever made in my tragic life. unless the lawyers from the school bus company can prove to the jury that i was guaranteed to be a fuckup. then they’d get away with buying my mom a used ford fiesta and calling it even.

maura isn’t exactly waiting for me before school, but i know, and she knows i’ll look for her where she is. we usually fall back on that so we can smirk at each other or something before we’re marched off. it’s like those people who become friends in prison even though they would never really talk to each other if they weren’t in prison. that’s what maura and i are like, i think.

me: give me some coffee.

maura: get your own fucking coffee.

then she hands me her XXL dunkin donuts crappaccino and i treat it like it’s a big gulp. if i could afford my own coffee i swear i’d get it, but the way i see it is: her bladder isn’t thinking i’m an asshole even if the rest of her organs do. it’s been like this with me and maura for as long as I can remember, which is about a year. i guess i’ve known her a little longer than that, but maybe not. at some point last year, her gloom met my doom and she thought it was a good match. i’m not so sure, but at least i get coffee out of it.

derek and simon are coming over now, which is good because it’s going to save me some time at lunch.

me: give me your math homework.

simon: sure. here.

what a friend.

the first bell rings. like all the bells in our fine institution of lower learning, it’s not a bell at all, it’s a long beep, like you’re about to leave a voicemail saying you’re having the suckiest day ever. and nobody’s ever going to listen to it.

I have no idea why anyone would want to become a teacher. i mean, you have to spend the day with a group of kids who either hate your guts or are kissing up to you to get a good grade. that has to get to you after a while, being surrounded by people who will never like you for any real reason. i’d feel bad for them if they weren’t such sadists and losers. with the sadists, it’s all about the power and the control. they teach so they can have an official reason to dominate other people. and the losers make up pretty much all the other teachers, from the ones who are too incompetent to do anything else to the ones who want to be their students’ best friends because they never had friends when they were in high school. and there are the ones who honestly think we’re going to remember a thing they say to us after final exams are over. right.

every now and then you get a teacher like mrs. grover, who’s a sadistic loser. i mean, it can’t be easy being a french teacher, because nobody really needs to know how to speak french anymore. and while she kisses the honors kids’ derrieres , with standard kids she resents the fact that we’re taking up her time. so she responds by giving us quizzes every day and giving us gay projects like ‘design your own ride for euro disney’ and then acting all surprised when i’m like ‘yeah, my ride for euro disney is minnie using a baguette as a dildo to have some fun with mickey.’ since i don’t have any idea how to say ‘dildo’ in french (dildot?), i just say ‘dildo’ and she pretends to have no idea what i’m talking about and says that minnie and mickey eating baguettes isn’t a ride. no doubt she gives me a check-minus for the day. i know i’m supposed to care, but really it’s hard to imagine something i could care less about than my grade in french.

the only worthwhile thing i do all period - all morning, really - is write isaac, isaac, isaac in my notebook and then draw spider-man spelling it out in a web. which is completely lame, but whatever. it’s not like i’m doing it to be cool.

I sit with derek and simon at lunch. the way it is with us, it’s like we’re sitting in a waiting room. every now and then we’ll say something, but mostly we stick to our own chair-sized spaces. occasionally we’ll read magazines. if someone comes over, we’ll look up. but that doesn’t happen often. we ignore most of the people who walk by, even the ones we’re supposed to lust after. it’s not like derek and simon are into girls. basically, they like computers.

derek: do you think the X18 software will be released before summer?

simon: i read on trustmaster’s blog that it might. that would be cool.

me: here’s your homework back.

when i look at the guys and girls at the other tables, i wonder what they could possibly have to say to each other. they’re all so boring and they’re all trying to make up for it by talking louder. i’d rather just sit here and eat.

I have this ritual, that when it hits two o’clock i allow myself to get excited about leaving. it’s like if i reach that point i can take the rest of the day off.

It happens in math, and maura is sitting next to me. she figured out in october what i was doing, so now every day at two she passes me a slip of paper with something on it. like ’congratulations’ or ‘can we go now?’ or ‘if this period doesn’t end soon i am going to slit my own skull.’ i know i should write her back, but mostly i nod. i think she wants us to go out on a date or something, and i don’t know what to do about that.

everyone in our school has afterschool activities.

mine is going home.

sometimes i stop and board for a while in the park, but not in february, not in this witch-twat-frigid chicago suburb (known to locals as naperville). if i go out there now, i’ll freeze my balls off. not that i’m putting them to any use whatsoever, but i still like to have them, just in case.

plus i’ve got better things to do than have the college dropouts tell me when i can ramp (usually about . . . never) and have the skatepunks from our school look down at me because i’m not cool enough to smoke and drink with them and i’m not cool enough to be straightedge. i’m no-edge as far as they’re concerned. i stopped trying to be in their in-crowd-that-doesn’t-admit-it’s-an-in-crowd when i left ninth grade. it’s not like boarding is my life or anything.

I like having the house to myself when i get home. i don’t have to feel guilty about ignoring my mom if she’s not around.

I head to the computer first and see if isaac’s online. he’s not, so i fix myself a cheese sandwich (i’m too lazy to grill it) and jerk off. it takes about ten minutes, but it’s not like i’m timing it.

Isaac’s still not on when i get back. he’s the only person on my ‘buddy list,’ which is the stupidest fucking name for a list. what are we, three years old?

me: hey, isaac, wanna be my buddy!?

Isaac: sure, buddy! let’s go fishin’!

Isaac knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do. like lol. now, if there’s anything stupider than buddy lists, it’s lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it’s not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll, like what a lobotomized person’s tongue does. loll. loll. i can’t think any more. loll. loll!

or ttyl. bitch, you’re not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact. or <3. you think that looks like a heart? if you do, that’s only because you’ve never seen scrotum.

(rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.)

I had to tell maura that my mom made me get rid of my instant messenger in order for her to stop popping up whenever i was trying to do something.

gothblood4567: ’sup?

finalwill: i’m working.

gothblood4567: on what?

finalwill: my suicide note. i can’t figure out how to end it.

gothblood4567: lol

so i killed my screenname and resurrected myself under another. isaac’s the only person who knows it, and it’s going to stay that way.

I check my email and it’s mostly spam. what i want to know is this: is there really someone in the whole world who gets an email from [email protected] /* */ , reads it, and says to himself, ‘you know, what i really need to do is enlarge my penis 33%, and the way to do it would be to send $69.99 to that nice lady ilena at VIRILITY MAXI-MUS CORP via this handy internet link!’ if people are actually falling for that, it’s not their dicks they should be worried about.

I have a friend request from some stranger on facebook and i delete it without looking at the profile because that doesn’t seem natural. ’cause friendship should not be as easy as that. it’s like people believe all you need to do is like the same bands in order to be soulmates. or books. omg . . . U like the outsiders 2 . . . it’s like we’re the same person! no we’re not. it’s like we have the same english teacher. there’s a difference.

It’s almost four and isaac’s usually on by now. i do that stupid reward thing with my homework - it’s like if i look up what date the mayans invented toothpicks, i can check to see if isaac’s online yet. then if i read three more paragraphs about the importance of pottery in indigenous cultures, i can check my yahoo account. and finally if i finish answering all three of these questions and isaac isn’t on yet, then i can jerk off again.

I’m only halfway through answering the first question, some bullshit about why mayan pyramids are so much cooler than egyptian ones, when i cheat and look at my buddy list and see that isaac’s name is there. i’m about to think why hasn’t he IM’ed me? when the box appears on the screen. like he’s read my mind.

boundbydad: u there?

grayscale: yes!

boundbydad: ☺

grayscale: ☺ x 100

boundbydad: i’ve been thinking about you all day

grayscale: ???

boundbydad: only good things

grayscale: that’s too bad ☺

boundbydad: depends on what you think of as good

☺☺

It’s been like this from the beginning. just being comfortable. i was a little freaked out at first by his screenname, but he quickly told me it was because his name was isaac, and ultimatelymydadchosetokillthegoatinsteadofme was too long to be a good screenname. he asked me about my old screenname, finalwill, and i told him my name was will, and that’s how we started to get to know each other. we were in one of those lame chatrooms where it falls completely silent every ten seconds until someone goes ‘anyone in here?’ and other people are like ‘yeah’ ‘yup’ ‘here!’ without saying anything. we were supposed to be in a forum for this singer i used to like, but there wasn’t much to say about him except which songs were better than the other songs. it was really boring, but it’s how isaac and i met, so i guess we’ll have to hire the singer to play at our wedding or something. (that is so not funny.)