We crawl through the open spot in the fence into the side where history is pulsating with memories of our first time, second time, third time . . . you get it. Collin scans the area for any wanderers or birds with cameras on their heads before coming back to undo my belt buckle. It’s so dark someone could murder us and get away with it, which we prefer—the darkness, not the murder part. I pull him into a rough kiss and I don’t doubt that whenever he’s kissing Nicole he’s pretending she’s some other guy—maybe even me—and as I kiss him now I pretend he’s someone else, and it’s just so fucking sad.

He hands me a condom and I rip open the wrapper with my teeth.

7

HEART-TO-HEARTS AND

HEARTBREAKS

   It’s only been a day and I desperately need to see Collin to stay sane. I know he’s working two jobs—one as a busboy at an Italian restaurant, the other as a stock boy at a bodega—and doesn’t get a lot of sleep. But I need him as badly as I should be pushing him away. It’s too weird a mix of ugly and hopeful.

Collin has a few hours free before work, so at 2:00 he meets me at the track field where I watched trains speed by with Thomas. I look around for him lying on the grass or sitting on the bleachers, thinking about how he can be the architect of his life, but Thomas is not here. It’s okay, it’s okay: I have Collin, my first gateway to honest happiness. I tell Collin I chose this spot so we could run around and get him in shape for basketball tryouts, but when we race he’s so far behind, and it reminds me of Thomas losing too. But unlike Thomas, Collin doesn’t just quit, be it a job or a dream or a race. He charges on to the end and then throws himself onto the grass beside me.

“Can we talk about it?”

His question throws me off. “About . . . ?”

He looks around before tapping my scar. “Was it really that bad?”

“Yes.” I lie back and stare at the sun until it hurts. “Life felt like it was going to be too long. I wanted out.”

“It wasn’t because of me, right?” he asks quickly.

I shake my head in the grass. “Not completely. I’m not some kid who was pissed someone didn’t want him back.” Except I was. Even having forgotten all the things that led to Aaron 2.0. I was still aching for a Leteo procedure because of fear and disappointment in someone who couldn’t love me back. And I was despicable enough to try and play my suicide card to forget heartbreak. “There were a lot of reasons. But trying to live when my father refused to stay alive—because of who I am—broke me in a way I don’t think will ever be fixed.”

“I was so pissed at you, Aaron,” Collin says. “Nicole told me what you tried to do. I was stuck on this level of Vigilante Village and I was this close to throwing my controller at the TV. But I kept it together because I didn’t want to ruin her the same way I wrecked us. I always thought we would be the endgame, even when I knew I couldn’t afford to be that person.”

“You walked away from me.”

“It’s taken me a few months to realize how badly I miss you. I know I’m living a lie, but I’m thinking about this kid, Aaron. My son. What is having a gay dad going to do to him? I sometimes think I’d be better off not being in the picture at all, but I can’t get myself to be a deadbeat dick either.”

I sit up. “What do you want from me? Are you going to bounce again?”

“I can’t promise anything,” Collin says, which is basically promise-speak for Don’t count on me. He sits up with me and—for a second—holds my hand. “I just want you to be alive when I figure it out.”

So, I have another maybe to wait around for. Maybe Collin will stick around or find me again later in life. Maybe Thomas will come out for me. Maybe I’ll get another do over from Leteo. Of all the maybes, Collin’s making me happy is the safest bet.

We return to the track field the next day, but this time we sit on the bleachers to reread The Dark Alternates before the last issue drops this week.

Collin flips through Issue #5, the happiest I’ve seen him since I told him my mom was cool with me being gay. All his money goes to Nicole and the kid so he’s only been able to read each issue at the store and always in a rush because of customer demand. His smile fades when he reaches page twenty-four, where Thor is beaten bloody by his Dark Alternate and left for dead in a pub.

“The day we got jumped,” Collin says. “I was so fucking scared for our lives. I really thought that was it.”

“That’s how I felt when my friends ganged up on me,” I say.

“Why did they do it?”

I ask myself this every fucking hour. Hate, ignorance, feeling betrayed—I don’t know, but they turned against me and there’s no taking it back or forgetting. But I answer honestly: “They didn’t like my friendship with Thomas, that guy you saw me with at Comic Book Asylum. They had the wrong idea about us.”

“Did anything ever happen between you two?”

I won’t tell him we kissed. “He’s straight,” I say. That’s what Thomas claims, and I roll with it to protect him. If my instincts are right and he does come out to me, I don’t want to have betrayed his trust. He never betrayed mine.

“That sucks,” Collin says. “Everything happens for a reason, right?”

Collin is the reason. Full circle.

After missing him yesterday—Collin had a doctor’s appointment with Nicole before work—we didn’t get to hang. Now we’re back at the track field for the third time. We get ready to run a lap when I see Thomas on the bleachers eating Chinese food. With Genevieve. It’s like a sucker punch. I can’t breathe. I have never been so hurt seeing someone else so happy.

She cracks open a fortune cookie. I hope it reads: you’re just asking for heartbreak again.

Thomas brought Genevieve here, one of the more public places where he thinks, and I hate the idea that he is sharing his thoughts with her. Maybe he’s even taken her up to his roof to watch movies, shirtless. If it has gone that far, I don’t have it in my soul to be happy for them, especially when he’s bullshitting her and she’s bullshitting herself again.

I take off, hoping to get the fuck out of here before I can be seen, but then Collin calls my name and both Thomas and Genevieve look around and find me. Thomas doesn’t take his eyes off me, but Genevieve’s eyes dart back and forth. Her face falls when she sees Collin.

I jet out of there even faster and don’t stop until the corner of the next block.

Collin catches up to me. I’m heaving and spitting over a trash can, pressing a hand against my aching rib cage.