Caleb: I can’t imagine being an artist. One, I don’t have the skill. I’m a horrible drawer. Two, I don’t have the imagination. Nothing speaks to me the way baseball does, but now I don’t even really have that anymore.

Caleb: I won’t lie, I’m bummed about my hand. I was excited as hell when the minors wanted me, even talked myself into doing it and trying for the majors, but now that’ll never happen. The fracture wasn’t enough that I need surgery, but I messed up a tendon and nerve. So yeah, my grip is gone. I’m screwed.

Caleb: Anyway, I guess it will all work out. Good thing I have a backup plan, and there’s always coaching. Now I’m rambling. Good night.

Me: I hate that you lost baseball, especially since I know you’re not a fighter. Whatever/whoever it was about must have been something special if you put your dream on the line for it.

Me: Also, the walls aren’t THAT thin. Ass.

Caleb: They ARE that thin. Maybe you should pipe down, and maybe one day I’ll tell you the story about my hand—if you’re lucky.

Me: Dear Ghost Roomie, you get to see me this week. How excited are you?

Caleb: I’m not.

Me: LIAR!

Me: You miss me, and you know it.

Caleb: Missing you is a stretch. I haven’t known you long enough as a roommate to miss you. I do miss your cookies though. ;-)

Me: Uh huh. Trying to use a euphemism there I see, but you failed—you’ve never had my COOKIE, now have you? Nice try, loser.

Caleb: It’s the thought that counts.

Me: YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT MY VAGINA?

Me: Is THIS flirting?

Caleb: This is me running on energy drinks and naps for the last two days. Cut me some slack, yo.

Me: I heard you come in about midnight last night after your mysterious Sunday out. I was THIS close to bothering you, but I didn’t want you to see what I sleep in. Now I’m glad I stayed away.

Caleb: NAKED? Do you sleep naked?!

Me: Wouldn’t you like to know. ;-)

Caleb: Honestly? Hell yes.

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

Caleb: Not just your retainer but zit cream too? Be still, my beating heart.

Me: Right? You’re welcome. Keep that one for later.

Caleb: Remember how you offered for your friend to grab my bike for me?

Me: I do.

Caleb: Well…

Me: Spit it out.

Caleb: My old roommates are threatening to have it towed, saying I’m blocking their parking. Think you could help me out?

Me: You don’t come home, you don’t call, yet you want favors. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

Caleb: Is that a yes? I really need it to be a yes.

Me: Please hold.

Me: Okay, Robbie can help.

Caleb: And he’ll take good care of my baby…right? I can trust this guy?

Me: Do you really have a choice right now?

Caleb: No. I can’t believe these guys are being such dicks about everything. They keep saying it’s because I left them “high and dry”, which is complete bullshit. Fucking dicks.

Me: YEAH YOU TELL THEM

Caleb: You done?

Me: Yes.

Me: Sorry they’re dicks.

Caleb: It is what it is.

Me: I’ll get everything taken care of with the bike, don’t you worry. Go back to your “gas station duties”.

Caleb: What’s with the quotation marks?

Me: Well…I have this theory.

Caleb: What was it you said earlier? Spit it out.

Me: I have this theory that you’re really a stripper and you’re just embarrassed and don’t want to tell anyone about it. That’s why you work such crazy hours and come home smelling like old ladies and sadness.

Caleb: LMAO

Caleb: Are you serious?

Me: Dead.

Caleb: Holy fuck. *dies*

Caleb: Zoe, I am NOT a stripper. I work at a 24hr gas station and that’s ALL I do. I promise.

Me: I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be surprised if you came home covered in glitter and wearing a G-string. *shrugs*

Eight

Me: Mittens is an asshole.

Caleb: Oh god, what did he do?

Me: Turns out I’m a sympathy puker.

Me: He puked on my floor, and then I puked on my floor trying to clean it up. Like, I still love him and all, but I also kind of hate him right now.

Caleb: Shit. He probably ate too fast. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, Zoe. I promise I’ll be at home more often and all the kitten duty won’t fall to you.

Caleb: I’ll make you dinner.

Me: You already cook for me. Try again.

Caleb: I’ll…hmm…

Caleb: I’ll touch your butt.

Me: Who’s really getting the most of that one?

Caleb: That wasn’t a no…

Me: We’ll see. ;-)

Caleb: How about…I’ll TAKE you out to dinner.

Me: Did you just ask me out on a date? I thought we talked about you trying to stick your ham in my meat wallet.

Caleb: No. Do not say meat wallet. And it’s not a DATE date, just like a roomies date. Ya know, for not sucking.

Me: But…what if I like sucking?

Caleb: Did you just make a blow job joke?

Me: …Yes.

Caleb: I…I was not expecting that.

Caleb: You never stop surprising me.

Me: Is that a bad thing?

Caleb: Not at all.

Caleb: Unless you’re surprising me with herpes or something. Then that’s bad.

Me: Noted.

Me: DID YOU USE MY BODY WASH AGAIN?!

Caleb: Define use…

Me: DID YOU SQUIRT IT ON YOUR LOUFA AND USE ALL MY GODDAMN BODY WASH, CALEB MILLS?!

Caleb: Define all…

Me: CALEB!

Caleb: ZOE!

Me: CALEB!!

Caleb: ZOE!!

Me: DOCTOR SCOTT!

Caleb: Uh…what? This is Caleb still.

Me: No. Noooooo. Puh-lease tell me you’ve seen that movie.

Caleb: What movie?

Me: THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER!

Caleb: Field of Dreams?

Me: Omg. You would. You fucking would.

Me: No. Try again.

Caleb: The Sandlot?

Me: NO DAMMIT.

Me: The Rocky Horror Picture Show. OBVIOUSLY.

Caleb: The what?

Me: You’ve never watched Rocky Horror?

Caleb: I have not.

Me: That’s it. We’re doing it.

Caleb: It? Like sex? Are we having sex?

Caleb: How did this turn into us banging?

Me: No! We’re going to see Rocky Horror. It’s a whole experience—toast and rice and water guns and yelling. You’re going to love it. We’ll go this month.

Caleb: I don’t know how we went from talking about movies to sex and now toast. Are you drunk?

Me: We were never talking about sex!

Me: And no, I’m not drunk. I wish.

Me: Bring me wine.

Caleb: No.

Me: You’re so mean.

Me: So, are you in for Rocky Horror?

Caleb: Sure. I guess. When is this?

Me: Third Thursday of every month. Midnight.

Caleb: MIDNIGHT? Are you off your damn rocker, woman? No way. That’s way past my bedtime.

Me: IT IS NOT. You don’t come home until one or two in the morning half the time.

Caleb: But my hours are changing, remember? I’m implementing a new bedtime. Right after Wheel of Fortune, I’m hitting the sack, no ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Me: Are you an ass man, Caleb?

Caleb: …No.

Caleb: Fine. Yes.

Caleb: I’m ASSuming you caught that?

Me: You’ve ASSumed correctly.

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

Caleb: Did you just really send me a picture of a donkey?

Me: What? You said you were an ass man.

Caleb: You are SUCH a smartass.

Me: Excuse me, I prefer smartdonkey.

Caleb: *rolls eyes*

Me: Rocky Horror date is set. That’s where you can take me for making me clean up your kitten’s puke. You owe me…

Caleb: *sighs* Fine.

Caleb: I gotta go back to work now. Smoke break’s over.

Me: You smoke?

Caleb: Gross. No. But they don’t know that. ;-)

Me: You’re incorrigible.

Caleb: You’re not erroneous.

Me: I see what you did there…though I don’t think that’s the right context.

Caleb: It’s the thought that counts.

Me: Okay, okay. I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday. Thank you.

Caleb: I see you got my gift. You’re welcome.

Caleb: Also, do you have any idea how expensive 6 bottles of that body wash is? Roughly six billion dollars.

Me: Wait a second here…6 bottles? I only see 3.

Me: Holy crap. Did you go for the buy 3 get 3 free deal and KEEP THEM?

Caleb: Maybe…

Me: So yes.

Caleb: Hey, you can’t blame me! That stuff smells amazing. I mean, even I’d lick me right now.

Me: I would too.

Caleb: You’d lick me too?

Me: NO.

Me: But also maybe yes.

Me: Wait…nah.

Caleb: I’m going with yes as your final answer.

Me: Aren’t you supposed to be working?

Caleb: I’m at study group.

Me: Oh shit. Then why are you texting me? Go learn something.

Caleb: Because you texted me first, and then you started talking and just wouldn’t stop.

Me: Are you trying to tell me I never shut up?

Caleb: In the nicest way possible.

Me: You’re so good to me, Ghost Roomie.

Caleb: I’m not a ghost for much longer. Just two more damn days and then I’m free.

Caleb: Convince me not to rage-quit.

Me: Hmmm…I’m not sure I can do that without specifics here.

Caleb: I put in to have the night off when that horror movie you want to take me to is playing, but they fucking scheduled me anyway. Assholes.