* * *

Zach: Hi, I’m Zach, I’m a mood killer.

* * *

Me: Hi, Zach. Thanks for being so forthcoming with that information AFTER you begged me to be your texting best friend.

* * *

Zach: So, what did you knit me?

* * *

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Zach: ARE THOSE PENIS POTHOLDERS!

* * *

Zach: You dirty, dirty girl.

* * *

Zach: I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Thank you for that.

* * *

Me: You likey?

* * *

Zach: I likey.

* * *

Me: I’ll think of you every single time I use them.

* * *

Zach: You’re too kind. They’re a wonderful gift I doubt I’ll ever receive.

* * *

Me: Hey, Zach?

* * *

Zach: Yes?

* * *

Me: I…I didn’t mean to bring up your mom. I had no idea.

* * *

Zach: Don’t sweat it. You’re still my favorite penis potholder maker…this week.

* * *

Me: Is there anything else I should know about you? Any other subjects that are off the table?

* * *

Zach: I hate clowns and bunnies. That’s about it.

* * *

Me: I’m sorry…BUNNIES?! How is that possible?

* * *

Zach: Don’t judge me. I’m sure there’s something weird out there that you’re afraid of.

* * *

Me: I can’t think of anything like that. Mine is just normal stuff, like spiders and snakes and volcanoes.

* * *

Zach: Volcanoes…but those are part of nature.

* * *

Me: So are bunnies!

* * *

Me: Also, have you seen Dante’s Peak? *shudders*

* * *

Zach: That movie isn’t even kind of scary!

* * *

Me: YES IT IS!

* * *

Me: Fine. What kind of movies scare you?

* * *

Zach: Normal ones, like Alice in Wonderland, Zootopia (BUNNIES), and Pinocchio. And Trolls.

* * *

Me: Trolls? As in the animated movie?

* * *

Zach: STOP JUDGING ME!

* * *

Me: There is no way I’ll ever not judge you now.

Zach: I’m so bored. Work is killing me today.

* * *

Me: I’m sitting in an accounting class. I win in our game of suckage.

* * *

Zach: Ouch. I bow to your bravery, my fair queen.

* * *

Me: …

* * *

Me: Did you just say that? Is your brain poisoned from all the video games? What type video games ARE you playing?

* * *

Me: Are you secretly twelve? Because I feel like that’s something a twelve-year-old would say.

* * *

Zach: Who in the world taught you how to socialize? Do you say the first thing that pops into your head? Are you deranged?

* * *

Me: My mother. Sometimes. Possibly.

* * *

Zach: You are incredibly exhausting.

* * *

Me: But still awesome.

* * *

Zach: And humble. We can’t forget that one.

* * *

Me: Check you out, having my back and all. BESTIES FOR LIFE.

* * *

Me: *whispers* But really…did you just say that? Are you still living in your parent’s basement?

* * *

Zach: Yes, I really said it. I might have fibbed about my video game playing. It’s frequent…obnoxiously so. I tend to play RPG games, but no, I don’t live in a basement. I work in one.

* * *

Me: Because that’s not still weird…

* * *

Zach: If it makes you feel any better, I own the basement I work in.

* * *

Me: Your street cred IS improving.

* * *

Zach: Oh thank god. I was worried you would never bug me ever again.

* * *

Me: Wish in one hand…

* * *

Zach: Aren’t you supposed to be paying attention in class?

* * *

Me: Yes. Now shut up.

* * *

Zach: *sends you a thousand cat pictures*

* * *

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time.

Me: Cake, brownies, ice cream? GO!

* * *

Zach: Yes.

* * *

Me: NO! Pick one! HURRY!

* * *

Me: I’m at the store getting ready to check out and I NEED TO KNOW. I can’t decide. Help a cute, hangry girl out, would ya?

* * *

Zach: How about…a brownie cake with ice cream.

* * *

Me: I think I just came.

* * *

Zach: I am known for my skills.

* * *

Me: Stop it. I’m in the middle of the damn grocery store. Save that talk for later. ;-)

* * *

Zach: Wait…really?

* * *

Me: OMG no. Pervert.

* * *

Zach: YOU STARTED IT.

* * *

Me: I need you to pick between CAKE, BROWNIES, and ICE CREAM.

* * *

Zach: Umm…brownies. With chocolate and vanilla ice cream on top. Chocolate sauce drizzled over it. And sprinkles.

* * *

Me: I hate you.

* * *

Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

* * *

Me: I put it all in my cart.

* * *

Me: It will be your fault when I fall into a sugar coma.

* * *

Zach: You can thank me later.

* * *

Me: You promise to come to my funeral?

* * *

Zach: And recount all the marvelous memories we’ve had together, including where I gently pushed you to feast upon magical desserts. I’ll lean down to your casket and whisper, “You’re welcome.”

* * *

Me: BRB, dying.

Me: Entertain me, squire!

* * *

Me: Did I say that right?

* * *

Zach: Good enough for me.

* * *

Zach: Would you rather have 1,000 puppies who barked constantly or one who hated you and never let you pet it?

* * *

Me: What in the actual hell is wrong with you?!

* * *

Zach: You HAVE to pick. It’s the only rule of Would You Rather.

* * *

Me: I asked you to entertain me, not torture me.

* * *

Zach: Tick tock.

* * *

Me: FINE. One puppy who hated me. Even though it’s the saddest thing ever, I know I couldn’t stand the barking of a thousand adorable, fluffy puppies.

* * *

Zach: I think that would be a wise decision.

* * *

Me: More entertainment, stat. I love my roommate to death but she just put on the dumbest show ever.

* * *

Zach: Which show?

* * *

Me: Something about boys in trailer parks and propane.

* * *

Zach: Oh, well, okay then. I was not expecting that answer.

* * *

Me: I wasn’t expecting to have to sit through this painful show.

* * *

Zach: Do you want to build a…

* * *

Me: SNOWMAN. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN.

* * *

Zach: No. I hit send too soon. Stop it.

* * *

Zach: AS I WAS SAYING…build a tiny house or an elaborate tree house?

* * *

Me: Are you literally the devil? Do you have horns and hooves and evil minions?

* * *

Zach: What did I do now?

* * *

Me: 1. I have acrophobia, fear of heights. 2. I’m claustrophobic. 3. ARE YOU THE DAMN DEVIL?!

* * *

Zach: *dies of laughter*

* * *

Zach: How in the hell did I manage to unknowingly hit on your two greatest fears at the same time?

* * *

Me: Because you’re evil incarnate.

* * *

Zach: I’m not even sorry. *dies again*

* * *

Zach: Distraction tactic—what’s your favorite kind of cereal?

* * *

Me: Cap’n Crunch. Hurts so good. Yours?

* * *

Zach: Lucky Charms. Because just like me, they’re magically delicious.

* * *

Me: *stares*

* * *

Zach: Fine, fine. It’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I just wanted to use that cheesy line.

* * *

Me: Did you even say it with a straight face?

* * *

Zach: Hell no.

* * *

Zach: Okay, what’s one place you’d love to visit?

* * *

Me: Easy. Alaska.

* * *

Zach: Are you a winter woman?

* * *

Me: Kind of. I’m more of a fall gal. I’m slightly obsessed with Halloween.

* * *

Zach: No.

* * *

Me: Yes?

* * *

Zach: That’s my favorite holiday. Ever. Fuck birthdays and Christmas and presents. I want Halloween. Give me spooky and candy any damn day.

* * *

Me: We’re a match made in heaven.

* * *

Me: Please tell me you dress up.

* * *

Zach: I was The Green Arrow last year. You?

* * *

Me: Belle…for the last three years.

* * *

Zach: I was the red Ranger for six years when I was younger.

* * *

Me: I was the pink one for four.

* * *

Zach: Is this…meant to be?

* * *

Me: We’ll see.

Four

Zach: You should know I have accomplished approximately zero things today. Like, I don’t even have pants on. Happy Wednesday!

* * *

Me: You sit around in your house with only your panties on?

* * *

Zach: I do not wear “panties”, thank you very much. I wear manly boxer briefs.

* * *

Me: With weird characters on them, don’t you?

* * *

Zach: How did you know that?

* * *

Me: I have a brother, remember? Underneath his clean-cut teacher getup is a pair of Marvel underwear.

* * *

Zach: Marvel? Seriously?

* * *

Me: You not a Marvel fan?

* * *

Zach: I’m an X-Men and Deadpool fan. That’s about it.

* * *

Me: Sigh. Ryan Reynolds. I can get behind him…or on top of him…or underneath. Whichever he prefers.