“Shhh, you fathead,” Lily hissed, obviously taking the phone back. “Nobody can know that we’re talking to her.” For a moment there was silence as if they were both listening for sounds, then Lily spoke again. “Is Romero there with you?”

I laughed. “That’s why you’re calling? I thought you wanted to see how I was doing,” I said in a mock hurt voice.

“Of course I want to know how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine.” There was a pause. Deciding to stop torturing her, I added. “And Romero isn’t here.” I glanced at Aria and she whispered ‘upstairs’. “He’s at Aria’s place, discussing important mob business with our husbands.” Sarcasm dripped from the words. “Do you want me to go upstairs and ask him to talk to you?”

“No!” Lily blurted. “He’ll think I’m in love with him.”

“Aren’t you?”

Silence. Poor Lily, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was no chance in hell that Father would ever allow an alliance between my sister and a mere soldier, especially one from New York. Love just wasn’t something that mattered.

“How do I know if I’m in love?” Lily whispered after a while.

Yes, how? I hadn’t been in love with Sid or anyone else. I wasn’t in love with Matteo.

Right?

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“Aren’t you in love with Matteo?”

“Why would you think I was? I ran away, remember?”

“But you’re married now.”

“Marriage doesn’t equal love.”

“It did for Aria,” Lily said. My eyes darted to Aria who was frowning at me.

“You’re right. Maybe you should ask her then.” Before Lily could say another word, I handed the phone to Aria. “Lily wants to know how it feels to be in love.”

Aria took the phone from me, her blue eyes full of concern. She listened to Lily for a moment before she said, “That’s hard to put into words. Love is when you feel safe in someone’s arms, when he’s the first thing you want to see in the morning, love is surrendering. You risk getting hurt but you don’t care. You are willing to give someone the power to break your heart. Love means seeing someone at their worst and still seeing the good in them, love means someone is perfect for you despite their imperfections.” She grew quiet, eyes distant.

I didn’t have to ask; I knew about whom she was thinking. I swallowed hard. I could have never said what Aria had just said. Unwantedly an image of Matteo’s cocky grin flashed in my mind. I’d definitely seen him at his worst that day he’d tortured the Russians.

“But how do I know when I’m in love?” I heard Lily’s whine through the phone.

Yes, how?

“It’s a gradual process. I don’t really know when exactly I started loving Luca. For a long time I thought I hated him.”

I pushed to my feet, suddenly restless. This wasn’t a topic I felt comfortable with. It made my chest feel tight, made me start to panic in an odd way. I hurried into the kitchen and made myself another cup of coffee. After a couple of sips, I returned to Aria who gave me a questioning look. I raised my cup as a way of explanation. “Here,” she said, handing the phone back to me.

“So what else is new?” I asked lightly.

I could practically hear Lily roll her eyes. “Are you going to come to our Christmas party?”

I opened my mouth to say yes, because I’d always been there, then I realized I probably wasn’t wanted anymore. “I don’t know. Things are difficult at the moment.”

“You mean Father doesn’t want you to come.”

“The only reason I would want to come are you and Fabi. I don’t care about anyone else. And maybe you and Fabi can come visit New York in the New Year.”

Lily was silent. “Father said he won’t ever allow us to go to New York again after what you did.”

That shouldn’t have shocked me as much as it did, I suppose. Of course he wouldn’t let Lily out of his sight. He couldn’t risk another one of his daughters turning into a slut. “We’ll figure something out. I’ll ask Matteo if we’re going to Chicago.”

Facing Father again was the last thing I wanted to do. For all I cared I would never set foot on Chicago ground again, but the idea of never seeing Fabi and Lily again was even worse.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” I said. “Now give me Fabi before Father realizes you’re talking to me and not Aria.”

“Hi,” came Fabi’s voice.

“I bet you’ve grown another two inches since I last saw you.”

“When I grow up I’ll be at least 6 feet tall,” he said proudly.

“6 feet 4 at least. You’ll probably be taller than Luca.”

“That would be so cool. I could kick everyone’s ass. Everybody would have to be nice to me and respect me.”

I smiled wistfully. Soon enough people would do that anyway. The cute boy would be replaced by a ruthless killer. “That would be cool,” I agreed. “So do you have any new knives?”

Fabi had a huge collection of knives. A bigger collection of knives a ten year old should have. Of course Father supported my brother’s fascination with weapons.

“No,” Fabi said, sulking. “Father is angry at me.”

“Because of me?”

Fabi didn’t say anything at first but I knew he was shrugging in that cute way he had. “I don’t like how he screamed at you.”

“I don’t like it either, but you have to try not to make Father angry too often, Fabi. I don’t want you to get punished.” Now that I wasn’t available as Father’s favorite punching bag, I worried Fabi might have to bear the brunt of his anger.

“Okay,” he said. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

We hung up and I handed the phone back to Aria.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded half-heartedly. “The party is next weekend, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess I’m not invited?”

Aria grimaced. “Even Luca and I aren’t sure if we should be going.”

“Why?”

“Things are really bad right now. Luca has enough trouble in New York. And he doesn’t want to deal with Dante Cavallaro or Father in addition to that.”

“Fabi and Lily will be really sad if you don’t come to visit.”

“I know,” Aria said with a sigh, leaning against the backrest. “That’s what I’ve been telling Luca. I even suggested I could fly over alone with Romero, so Luca could take care of business here.”

“Let me guess. He hated that idea.”

Aria laughed. “Yeah. He doesn’t trust the Outfit and won’t let me go there without him.”

“I kind of have to agree with him. I wish we could go together though.”

“Maybe next year. Father can hardly stay mad at you forever.”

“Father will still be mad at me when he’s roasting in hell.”

***

As expected, I wasn’t invited to my family’s Christmas party. Officially, Father couldn’t have denied me entrance as Matteo’s wife, but not only would that have been very awkward but Matteo also didn’t want to risk taking me back to Chicago so soon. That night after my body had won over my brain once again and succumbed to Matteo’s charm, I lay naked in his arms, his chest pressed up against my back. I wasn’t sure why I always fell asleep with his arms around me, and worse why I was sometimes longing for his closeness during the day too. So far I’d managed to resist that second notion at least.