Of course, I knew Asher would be part of that life. Someday he’d live with Noah full time, and I had to be willing to accept that. When Mrs. McCormick traveled or got older or wasn’t around anymore, Asher’s care would fall to Noah. He wanted it that way, and I admired him for it.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have a family of his own—if he wanted one. He said he didn’t, but was it true? Or was that the guilt talking? Maybe deep down, he did want children, but fatherhood would be yet another thing that came easily to him that his brother couldn’t experience. Maybe he was denying himself the opportunity because he didn’t think he deserved it.

Sighing, I sat up again. All this was useless speculation—I needed to talk to Noah. I needed to be brave, even braver than I had been the night I burst in on him in the shower. I needed to tell him how I felt, what I wanted, and what I was willing to do make it happen.

I was in love with him, and I wanted him to know it.

My heart started to pound again. Our plans for tonight were nothing major, just pizza and TV. He’d promised to watch Law & Order with me like old times. But he hated that show, so I bet he’d be glad to turn off the television and just talk.

At least, that’s what I hoped.

Rising to my feet, I inhaled a few lungfuls of the autumn air. I loved that woodsy fall smell—part decaying leaves, part pine sap, part smoke—and it was so particular to home. It always meant the end of a season, and as a kid, I’d been sad because it meant summer was over.

But today, it smelled like a new beginning.

Twenty-One

Noah

Thursday afternoon, I had just come out of the gym when my mother called me.

“Hello?”

“Nina had the baby,” she said excitedly.

“About time. What’d she have?”

“A girl. They named her Rosie, after my mother. Isn’t that cute?” She sniffed as if she were tearing up.

“Very cute. Everyone’s doing okay?”

“Yes, but I’d like to head over to the hospital and see them right away. Then I told Chris I’d take over at home so his mom can go see the baby. Mrs. Reynolds is picking Asher up from work and bringing him home, but she has to leave by six. Can you head over to the house as soon as possible?”

“Sure.” I had plans with Meg, but I knew she’d understand. And we could see each other later. She could stay over again.

“And do you think you could stay the night there? You’re off tomorrow, right? I hate to put you out, but Nina asked if I could stay over to get the older kids off to school in the morning. That way Chris can stay at the hospital. And Asher really shouldn’t be left alone so long. I’m worried about another seizure.”

I pressed my lips together. My immediate reaction was disappointment tinged with a little resentment—no sex tonight. But as soon as I had the thought, I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. My brother needed me, and all I could think about was my dick? “No problem. Okay to bring Renzo?”

“Of course.”

“Tell Nina I said congratulations.”

“I will. Thanks, dear. I’ll call you later, when I know what time I’ll be home.”

“Sounds good.” After hanging up, I got in my car and texted Chris.

Me: Congrats, jackass. Eighteen more years of sleepless nights.

Chris: What’s sleep?

Me: Maybe try condoms next time. Or keep your fucking paws off my sister, how about that?

Chris: Right now, that seems like an easy task. She is yelling at me to change a messy diaper. Gotta go.

I shook my head and set the phone aside. As Uncle Noah, I’d changed a few messy diapers in my life and it was not an experience I enjoyed much. Give me a dog all day long. Much less messy than a human who lies around in its own pile of turd with a puffy shower curtain strapped to its ass.

But when I got home, I saw that Chris had texted me a photo of him holding his new daughter in his arms, all wrapped up in a little white blanket and wearing a pink stocking cap on her head. Chris looked haggard and sleep-deprived but undeniably happy, and I had to admit the baby was cute. Envy wormed its way beneath my skin. What would it be like to see my child being born? To watch her open her eyes for the first time? To hear her first cries and change her first diaper and be the first male arms to hold her?

Frowning, I told myself to forget about those things and just be happy for my sister and my friend.

After letting Renzo out, I picked up my phone to call Meg.

I hadn’t reached out to her yet today, but it wasn’t because she wasn’t on my mind. Of course she was. Last night had been . . . intense. Sexy and fun in all the usual ways, but different too. It sounds ridiculous, because there aren’t degrees of nakedness—you’re either naked or you’re not—but somehow it was the most naked I’d ever felt with anyone.

This morning, I’d felt almost embarrassed by the things I’d told her. I’d never let anyone know how guilty I’d always felt about Asher. How guilty I’d always feel. Men weren’t supposed to talk about shit like their feelings, especially those that made them feel bad. Men were supposed to be stoic and resolute. Masculinity, in my mind anyway, meant strength and courage and commanding respect. Your psychological burdens were your own to bear.

But it had felt so good to share mine with her. And she’d accepted that part of me, just like she’d accepted the part of me that needed to get angry. I’d once been a dick to Holly after a bad day like that, and she’d burst into tears and told me I was being emotionally abusive. I wound up comforting her. Meg let me get it out, and then she gave me a blowjob.

(No contest there. Meg wins.)

God, she was perfect. Gorgeous and sexy and funny and smart and kind. Accepting and compassionate. Feisty and sweet. I wanted to make her happy, wanted to be that guy who would fight for her, the one who kept her safe and made her laugh and gave her orgasms every night. The thought of some other asshole touching her made my fists clench and my jaw get tight.

But I couldn’t be the one. I just couldn’t.

And she didn’t want me to be. I was fun on the side, not the real thing. She was all set to go back to DC in a few days, back to her important job and fast-paced life and a city full of guys in fancy suits with law degrees and leather briefcases. It was what she wanted.

As for me, I’d have to be content with that one incredible week we shared before she met the love of her life.

Although he’d never love her better than me. Never.

I swallowed hard as the urge to put my first through a brick wall slammed hard into my gut. I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t wonder about the future, the real one or the one I refused to let myself imagine. Because it wouldn’t do any good.

I had a couple more days with her, and that would be that.

I’d get over her eventually.

I had no choice.

“Hi, handsome.”

I smiled and leaned back against the counter. “Is that how you answer all your calls?”

“No. Just yours.”

“How was your day?”

“Good. I went shopping and had lunch with April and Sylvia, then I took run. Now I’m about to get in the shower.”