I really should have taken my pants all the way off. This shit is hard! Ooooh, another pun right there, motherfuckers!

I’m basically waddling back and forth with the motion of the swing while at the same time, thrusting my h*ps in and out of Jenny. It’s like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time.

“Oh yes! Faster, faster!” Jenny screams.

Oh my God, the pressure! If I go any faster this swing is going to take me out at the knees! I need to make this swing my bitch and show it who’s boss.

I plant my feet as wide apart as I can with my jeans still wrapped around my ankles, let go of Jenny’s thighs, and wrap my hands around the straps that hang from the ceiling to stop the swing from swaying so much. It takes a minute to get it to stop, and I have to arch my back as far as I can, raise one of my knees, and push it against Jenny’s ass under the swing to finally get it to stop moving.

“Yes! Keep doing that! Rub my ass with your knee, you whore!” Jenny shouts.

I am nothing if not attentive to my wife’s needs right now, so I do as she asks. I hold onto the swing straps with both hands, lean back, keep my leg up, and rub my knee back and forth against her ass under the swing and keep moving my hips, thrusting in and out of her.

Jenny is moving her h*ps and pushing against me as I bang the hell out of her while trying to keep the swing in place. Around her moans of pleasure I hear another loud creak and I roll my eyes.

Seriously, ghost. Cut that shit out. I know you’re there; you don’t need to advertise it. Keep it down while you ghostly masturbate over there!

“I’m sorry I ever said anything about your va**na being floppy. It’s totally not like f**king a sloppy joe at all! You feel so good baby!” I tell her as I continue to pound into her, sweat breaking out on my forehead with all the things I have to remember to do to keep the swing in place.

“Call me a tramp!” Jenny shouts as she lets go of the grip she has on one of the swing straps, slides her hand down the front of her body, and starts moving her fingers against her clit.

Fuck, best day ever! Even with the pervy ghost in the corner and my arm and leg muscles threatening to give out.

“WHO’S MY TRAMP?! WHO’S MY DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP?!” I shout as I pick up the pace and slam into her harder while her fingers move furiously over her clit.

“ME! ME! I’M YOUR DIRTY HOOKER TRAMP! PAY ME, BIG DADDY, PAY ME!” she shouts.

“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT TIP, YOU DIRTY WHORE!”

“YES! YES! GIVE ME THE TIP! GIVE ME THE TIP!” Jenny screams.

I know she’s only a second away from coming which is a damn good thing because I can’t hold off any longer. My balls are about to explode like a f**king geyser.

“I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU A TIP AND LEAVE YOU SOME MINTS! YOU WANT SOME FUCKING MINTS, YOU LITTLE SLUT?!” I yell in excitement as she tightens her thighs around my waist, and I feel her orgasm rush through her and squeeze my c**k like a vise.

“OH MY GOD! GIVE ME THE MINTS! OH FUCK, I’M COMING! MINTS, MINTS, MINTS! YES, YES!”

She’s thrashing her head and bucking her h*ps against me, and there’s nothing I can do to stop the swing from swaying, so I just hold on tight to the straps and thrust into her with all I’ve got, feeling my own orgasm tingle through my balls. I hear another creak, this one louder than all the others.

“YOU LIKE THAT, GHOST? HUH?! YOU LIKE BEING A PERVY CREEPER, JERKIN’ YOUR GHOSTLY GHERKIN?” I shout into the corner of the room.

Just as my orgasm barrels up through me and I start coming, I feel a hand on my ass and scream as loud as I can in fear while still plunging in and out of Jenny.

“EEEEEEEK! I’M COMING! HOLY SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN, I’M COMING AND THERE’S A GHOST TOUCHING MY ASS!”

Mid orgasm, I reach back to swat the ghost’s hand off my ass and hear another creak, followed by a loud ripping sound and this orgasm feels so f**king good right now that I’m not really concerned with the fact that the pervert poltergeist is making so much noise.

While smacking my hand on my ass to keep the ghost away from it, I thrust as hard as I can one last time and the orgasm finishes so good it almost feels like I’m falling.

“OW! SON OF A BITCH!” Jenny screams.

I open my eyes and quickly realize that feeling of falling really was a feeling of falling. I’m sprawled on top of Jenny on the floor with my penis still buried in her and bits and pieces of our ceiling littered in chunks all around us. I reach up and wipe a bunch of white dust off of Jenny’s face and hair, and she ruffles her hand through my hair, dust and debris falling down onto her chest.

I crane my neck and look up at the giant hole in our ceiling.

“Wow, guess I should have secured that a little better, huh?”

Jenny just laughs and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me down to her lips.

“Let’s do it again. Go get the Skittles in the kitchen, a wooden spoon, and two containers of purple Play-Doh.”

Chapter 29 – Va**na Skittles

“Um, Whitney Houston, we have a problem.”

Jenny sits up on her elbows and stares down at me lying on my stomach between her legs with my face resting on her hipbone.

“Problem? What problem? I was almost there, keep going,” she complains, letting her head fall back to the pillows.

“Yeah, and that would be the problem. I can’t keep going, they’re stuck.”

Her head flies back up off of the pillow, and she slides her body up the bed until she’s resting her back against the headboard, my head slipping off of her hip as she goes.

“Stuck?! What the hell do you mean stuck?!” she screeches.

I push myself up onto my knees and point between her legs.

“Stuck, as in, probably not coming out anytime soon because it was too slippery and they just sort of, shot off, deep into the heart of Texas,” I explain with a shrug.

“I’m confused. Are you comparing my va**na to Texas? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” she asks, momentarily forgetting the problem at hand.

“Well, you don’t mess with Texas and everything is bigger in Texas, just like you don’t mess with your va**na and…”

She raises her eyebrow and glares at me.

“Your va**na is NOT big. Or large or in charge. Okay, it’s totally in charge but it’s not large. We will not be renaming your va**na Large Marge so don’t even give me that look. Your va**na is tiny and perfect and warm and cuddly, just like it should be,” I explain.

We had stared at each other for a few minutes and I wasn't not gonna lie, I sort of forgot about the problem for a minute while I stared at her. I had started crawling up the bed toward her when she reminded me.

“Wait, stop! What are we going to do about the Skittles stuck in Texas?”

Two months after the night of the sex swing crash and the “Taste the Rainbow” incident, Jenny and I are doing better than ever. It had taken a trip to the emergency room that night and a vacuum cleaner nozzle to remove the Skittles from the great state of vagina.

Okay, it hadn't really been a vacuum cleaner nozzle but it may as well have. I could have saved us a hundred dollar deductible and our dignity by just using the Hoover at home. Surprisingly, the nurse told us that wasn’t even the strangest thing she’d seen stuck up in someone in the emergency room. While we waited, she told us all about the sorts of things people had jammed up in them and how they had to waddle through the emergency room doors to get it removed.

McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys, grapefruit, cell phones, wine bottles, a dozen ping pong balls, and a whisk.

But the whisk was totally not my fault, and I was doing something else that had absolutely nothing to do with sex and it just slipped. I had been grateful that the nurse who helped us was new and wasn’t aware of mine and Jenny’s frequent flyer miles at that particular emergency room.

Through it all, Jenny and I have learned some very important lessons. Never hire your dad as a private investigator, and Carter cheats when he’s in a diaper changing race.

We've also learned to never keep things to ourselves if something is bothering us, and I've learned to just assume my wife always needs help around the house and she shouldn’t have to ask for it. Our sex life is better and more adventurous than ever, especially trying to navigate around two children’s schedules, but we’re making it work and being very creative. Jenny finally admitted to me that she never really wanted vanilla sex, she just though that now that we were older and parents, it’s what we should do. I honestly would have agreed to boring sex for the rest of my life, but thank the holy jeans I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

My hot, slutty wife is back, and I couldn’t be happier.

“Are you nervous?” I ask Jenny as we stand at the front of the room and wait for everyone else to get here.

“You know, I’m not. Is that weird?” she asks with a smile as she pulls things out of her bag and sets them up on the table.

“Nah, I’m not nervous either. I mean, we’re kind of experts about this shit so why should we be nervous?”

She nods in agreement and sets the bag on top of the table, walking over to me as I organize my notes. She pulls the pad of paper out of my hands and places it on the table, taking my hands and resting them right on top of her tits.

“This is going to be so much fun,” she tells me with a big smile as she stands on her tip toes and runs her tongue along my top lip, giving me the shivers, just like always.

I remove a hand from one of her boobs and place it under her ass, lifting her up so she can wrap her legs around my waist. I turn us and push her back against the wall, sliding my hand down the front of her body and then pushing it back up under her t-shirt, grazing soft, warm skin as I go.

Jenny pulls her lips away from mine and tilts her head to the side so I can kiss my way down her neck to her collarbone. I suck and nibble on the skin while my hand under her shirt pulls the cup of her bra down underneath her breast so I can palm the soft mound and run my thumb over her nipple.

“This is so naughty and dirty. I love it,” Jenny says as I push my h*ps forward and grind my jean-clad erection between her legs.

She locks her ankles together right above my ass and uses the muscles of her thighs to pull me harder against her.

I pull my lips away from her neck and my hand stops its movement on her breast.

“I totally forgot. I have something for you,” I tell her as I let go of her ass and bend backwards for my bag on the table without breaking our connection or moving my hand from her bare tit.

I reach the bag and dig inside for the white box, pulling it out and leaning my body back against hers. I hold the box between our bodies and when she sees it, her eyes light up.

“Ohhhhh, Drew!” she says excitedly as she takes the box from me. I put my hand back on her ass and go back to massaging her boob under her shirt with my other hand while she opens the lid.

She looks inside and there’s confusion on her face for a moment and I explain.

“Well, I figured you wouldn’t be in the mood for Skittles for a while after the 'Rainbow of Fruit Flavor'” evening, so I decided to switch things up.”

Jenny reaches her hand inside the box and pulls out a handful of grape and cherry Dum-Dum suckers.

“I stuck with the purple and red theme, but this time they have handles on them for easier removal,” I tell her with a wink and a wag of my eyebrows.

“I love you so much, Drew Parritt!” Jenny tells me as she tosses the box to the ground and wraps her arms around my shoulders, her hand still clutching the suckers.

“I love you too, Jenny Parritt, my sweet, fuck-hot wife!”

I hear the rustle of a wrapper behind my head, and Jenny moves one arm in front of me, offering me a lick of a cherry sucker. I wrap my lips around the candy and suck while Jenny twirls the stick, making the candy swirl around my mouth.

I reach up and wrap my hand around hers, pulling the sucker out of my mouth with a pop and together, we move the candy to her lips. She runs her tongue all around the outside of the candy just like she does with my dick, and I groan as I watch her tongue and lips enjoy the sucker.

Ten minutes later, we have a slight problem and it involves my pubic hair and a grape sucker.

“Let me just rip it off, like a Band-Aid,” Jenny pleads, looking frantically toward the door of the room. “They’re going to be here any minute, and I don’t think it would be good if you spent the entire hour with your hand down your pants.”

I glance at the clock and then back at her. “Well, they would never forget their first class, that’s for sure.”

After our trip to the emergency room two months ago, we had been approached by one of the doctors and he asked if we would consider doing a sex seminar for married couples once a month at the local community college. We could talk about whatever we wanted, use whatever visual aids we needed. We just needed to teach couples how to have more active sex lives and put a spark back in their marriage.

“I am not ripping this thing off, do you have any idea how much that would f**king hurt?” I ask her.

She glares at me and puts her hands on her hips.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Forgot about the whole Brazilian thing. Have I mentioned how much I love it, by the way?” I tell her, trying to suck up as best I can. “Maybe you should just suck it off,” I plead with her.

“We’re in a classroom! I’m not getting down on my knees and putting my face in your crotch five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up,” she complains.

“You just put your hand down my pants with a wet sucker in a classroom five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up! What the hell is the difference?!”