She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around, along with the rest of her depressed, too-much black eye make-up posse. I quickly stuck the straw of my cherry slush in my mouth and pointed my thumb at Liz.

"What did we miss, kids?" Drew asked, coming up behind us a few minutes later with his arm around Jenny as the rest of us just stood there staring at the door where Carter had disappeared.

I turned around to face him and his shirt that said, "I shaved my balls for this?"

“Somebody just tried to kill me,” I told him in a horrified voice.

“What? Who?” Drew asked.

"Tasha." Liz said with disgust.

Jenny immediately looked guilty.

"Oh shit! She was here already? Claire, I'm so sorry. Tasha is all my fault.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You know that crazy bitch?” Liz asked.

“We went to college together and she called me a few weeks ago and said she'd be in town and wanted to get together. That's why she was at the sex toy party. She was only supposed to stay for that weekend but she decided to stick around longer. I had no idea she knew Carter until a little bit ago. She asked me if I knew Carter and said she was an old friend and wanted to say hi. It wasn’t until after I told her where you guys were going to be tonight that I remembered she used to date a guy named Carter. That's why we came up here. I really thought we’d get here before her so I could fix this. "

Drew removed his arm from around Jenny and turned to face me, jumping into action.

"Okay, Claire, here's what we need to do first. Do you know how to throw a punch?" Drew asked as he grabbed my arms and stared seriously into my eyes.

"What? No. What are you talking about? I'm not going to fight her," I said with a roll of my eyes.

"You don’t understand. I’ve known this freak for years. Did she threaten you?" Drew asked.

"Yeah, that cum dumpster said she'd kick Claire’s ass," Liz told him.

"Oh it's on now! It's on like Frogger!" Drew shouted in excitement.

"Don't you mean Donkey Kong?" Jim asked as he stood behind Liz and slid his arms around her waist.

"I never really liked Donkey Kong. So it was never on. Frogger just works better for me."

"Drew, nothing is going to be on. I have never been in a fight and I'm not going to start now. Carter took her outside and is hopefully telling her to go to hell. Problem solved," I said.

Drew looked at me in horror. "Claire, I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation. Now, as much as I hate Tasha like a fire burning rash on my dick, she's still hot. And Claire, you're a total MILF."

I looked at him in confusion. "Drew, what the hell does this have to do with anything?"

"It's like you don't even know me Claire," Drew said sadly with a shake of his head.

He let go of my arms and stepped back, wiping an imaginary tear from under his eye.

"Jim, help me out here man. I'm too upset to continue."

Jim untangled his arms from Liz and took a step forward to pat Drew on the back.

"As Drew has pointed out Claire, you're hot. And while we all agree that Cray-Cray needs to be put in her place, unfortunately, she’s hot too. And you're both chicks with long hair. And we're in a restaurant that has approximately four different flavors of Jell-O in the back room," Jim explained seriously.

"Oh my God are you f**king kidding me?" Liz asked. "This is about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O?"

"Liz. It's ALWAYS about wanting to see two chicks fight in a pool of Jell-O. Never, ever forget that," Drew said without any trace of humor in his voice. “Jell-O is delicious.”

Liz looked over at me. "You know, even though these two morons are speaking with their dicks right now, you should probably learn how to hit something. You know, just in case Carter can’t talk any sense into her. If she comes back in here, obviously we’ll all take her out, but what if she sneaks up on you when you’re unloading groceries from your car? Or jumps up from your backseat while you’re driving down the highway?" she asked.

“Oh my God, what is wrong with you?! This is not helping me AT ALL!” I screeched.

“Alright, that was probably an exaggeration. Besides, her tits are too big to squeeze down in the backseat of a car. You’d totally see her first,” Liz replied with a shrug. “And now, you can learn how to pop one of those implants without breaking a nail.”

This was really not happening was it? I didn't want to learn how to fight. I should have kept my mouth shut with the twat face giant va**na comments.

Drew turned to face me and put both of his hands up in the air with his palms facing out.

"Alright, strap on your brass balls and hit me," Drew said, widening his stance.

I stood there with my hands on my h*ps looking around at everyone. They all stood there waiting for me to punch Drew’s hands.

"This is the dumbest idea ever," I complained.

"Come on Claire, let 'er rip. Then you can go outside and tear her shit up like a Cyclops," Jenny said.

"Cyclops?" Jim asked.

"You know, that other name for like, a hurricane or tornado. Cyclops."

We all cocked our heads at her in confusion.

Drew sighed. "It's cyclone, baby."

I took that moment to wind back and punch Drew’s hand so I could take him by surprise. Drew looked at me in confusion while I bounced back and forth on my toes like a boxer. That felt good. That felt really good. I hit the shit out of his hand. Bring it on bitch!

"Claire, what the f**k was that?" Drew asked.

"Scared you didn't I? That was my fist of fury, BITCH!" I yelled.

Drew put his hands on his h*ps and stared at me.

"You have the punching power of a drunken baby. I hope you throw down your va**na harder than that. Otherwise, I feel bad for Carter’s penis."

"Why are we feeling bad for my penis?"

Carter came up behind me before I could tell Drew that my va**na and Carter’s penis were none of his business.

"So what's up, man? What the hell did Slut Bag McFuck Stick want?" Drew asked.

Carter sighed. "Oh just to tell me what a big mistake she made turning her va**na into a twenty-four hour seven-eleven. And how "you don't know what you got till it's gone."

"Wow, she quoted a Cinderella song. She's not afraid to bring out the big guns is she?" Liz asked.

Everyone was laughing and making a big joke about this, but it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all. That bitch wanted to kill me. Or at least punch me in the face. Did everyone forget about that fact already? She wanted to punch me. In the face. With her FIST.

"I hate to break up the fun, but Crazy Train wants to beat up my face."

Liz gave me a reassuring look.

"Calm down Long Duk Dong. You may punch like a grandma after drinking a forty-ounce, but remember Claire – you know how to take a punch. That's what's most important here right now," Liz said with a pat to my back.

I looked at her in confusion for a few seconds before I remembered what she was talking about - drunken Fight Club night last year.

"I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.

"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten-thousandth time. And while I’m all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.

"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker."

Jim started laughing as he remembered back to that night. It wasn't my finest hour. I punched even worse when I was drunk, barely even grazing Liz’s skin. She, however, could punch like a WWF wrestler on steroids.

"Oh yeah, that's right! That was one of the best ideas I’ve ever had while drunk. We punched each other back and forth until you started wheezing and yelled, "I am Claire’s internal bleeding and you need to cut this shit out!"

Carter looked back and forth between us just shaking his head in disbelief.

"Don't worry about our girl, Carter. She went a good ten rounds before she tapped out," Jim said with a laugh. “And you’ll be happy to know I got it all on video.”

“Was there Jell-O? Tell me there was Jell-O?” Drew asked excitedly.

***

My shift ended a few hours after that and I desperately needed a drink after tonight's events. I threw my apron behind the bar and everyone moved back to a large table so we could all sit together. After we sat down at the table, Carter told us what happened outside. Tasha claimed that she made a huge mistake and she wanted Carter back. He laughed in her face and told her to take her crab-infested va**na back to Toledo. He also informed her that he had always wanted me, even when he was with her and now that he found me, he was never letting me go.

Cue the applause.

I lost track of how many drinks I consumed the rest of the night. Every time I set my empty glass down it was magically refilled. I think Carter knew I was stressed about the Tasha situation and wanted me to just relax and have a good evening.

Or he wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me.

My lady bits started jumping up and down, clapping her hands and screaming, "Yes please!"

I kept looking towards the door expecting Tasha to come charging back in. After a while though, I didn't know which door she would come through since there were at least thirty of them when I looked in that direction.

I glanced down into my glass, trying to count the ice cubes and lost track after one.

Wow, what did they put in this vodka?

Carter kept looking over at me and smiling and it took everything in me not to straddle his lap. I really wanted to make some sort of move, but I didn't know the first thing about that crap. My hand was on his thigh and I slowly moved it upwards. I stopped just a few inches below the bulge I couldn't stop staring at. I want to rub my va**na all over that shit.

Yes, I was aware that I was sitting here at a table full of people, just staring down in Carter’s lap like it was a desert oasis and I hadn't sipped water in months.

I thought about things I could whisper in his ear that might turn him on.

"We should have the sex."

Carter laughed and kissed my cheek.

"I thought that out loud didn't I?"

"Yes, you definitely thought that out loud," he said with a smile.

I turned away from him and grabbed Liz’s arm, pulling her up with me.

"Be right back," I mumbled to the table in general.

I pulled Liz over to the bar, about ten feet away from the table.

"I don't know how to sex," I complained.

"Um, what?" Liz asked.

"I mean, sexy. I don't know how to sexy."

Liz laughed.

"You mean you don't know how to be sexy?"

I just nodded. Liz got me. My best friend was the best ever. She was so pretty and nice and pretty.

"Hon, you're doing just fine. In case you hadn't noticed, Carter hasn't been able to keep his hands off of you all night. And you couldn't see it, but when you put your hand on his leg, he kept swallowing and staring off into space like he was trying not to jizz in his pants."

I was starting to panic. Which was probably the booze talking but so what? I didn't know the first thing about seducing a guy. I was going to make a total fool of myself.

"You're seriously freaked out about this?" Liz asked, all traces of humor gone from her face when she saw how worried I was.

“I feel like I’m going to puke I’m so nervous.”

Liz sighed. "Claire, you're a hot bitch. You could stand there and do nothing and he'd still want to hump your leg. You just need some confidence. Repeat after me, "I am a dirty, dirty slut."

Liz stood there with her hands on her h*ps waiting for me to comply. I looked back nervously at Carter but he was deep in conversation with Drew.

"This is ridiculous," I complained.

"What's ridiculous is that you don't think you can be slutty. Do you honestly think I would be friends with you if I thought there wasn't a dirty whore lurking in there somewhere? Give me a little credit please. You are the quintessential lady in the streets, freak in the sheets."

“You need to stop quoting Urban Dictionary,” I told her.

Carter had probably been with lots of women. Women who could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and dance on a pole. Liz meant well, but I just didn't know if I could pull this off.

"You're starting to piss me off. Just say it. I am a dirty, dirty slut."

I rolled my eyes. I might as well do what she says or she'll never let it go.

"I'm a dirty, dirty slut," I mumbled quietly.

Well, that did feel a little good saying it out loud. Maybe Liz was on to something.

"Come on dirty girl, you can do better than that. Do it again, and put your va**na into it," Liz encouraged.

I took a deep breath and said it a little louder. Thank God there was music playing and people talking.

"Wow, did you see that?" Liz asked. "Carter’s disco stick just shriveled up and died. You suck at this, and not in a good way. Again!"

I clenched my fists at my sides and my breathing sped up. I could be a dirty slut; I could be dirtier than a hooker at a gang-bang.